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The test was done using the signature Australian grape, Shiraz. In addition to Yellow Tail, the five competitors were Four Emu, Alice White, Little Penguin, Black Swan and Mattie’s Perch. All are available throughout the KC metro area.

From first to last, the esteemed panels' judgments.

1. Black Swan 2006 ($8.39)
Where the animal is found: Black swans are native to all southern regions of Australia
What the label says: "Black Swan boldly exhibits flavours of black cherry and peppery spice, blended in harmony to create an elegant, remarkably smooth wine."
What the tasters say: At the beginning it’s very smooth tasting, but the aftertaste has a big kick and is very peppery. The kick stays with you even after you swallow. By far, the most complex of the group. The only wine here that qualifies as elegant.
Scenario under which to buy: When you're going to a higher-end party and want to impress but don't have a budget of more than 10 bucks.
Total Score: 24 (out of a possible 35)

2. Little Penguin 2006 ($8.69)
Where the animal is found: On the coastlines of southern Australia and surrounding islands.
What the label says: Savor the splashes of chocolate, spice and juicy strawberries on the nose. The flavor has equally impressive dark, sweet fruit.
What the tasters say: Not much nose but full-bodied and very sweet. There’s definitely a lot of cherry sweetness in this wine. Slight rubbery flavor on the end, like you’re drinking it while also chewing the plastic cork. Almost overly sweet.
Scenario under which to buy: It makes the perfect red wine for any girl that loves cosmos and whites.
Total Score: 21

3. Alice White 2007 ($7.69)
Where the animal is found: Kangaroos are ubiquitous (yet also endemic) to all parts of Australia.
What the label says: Alice White Shiraz offers deep black plum and berry aromas, robust, spicy flavors and a long, savory finish.
What the tasters say: Very even, very smooth but you never get a pow or change in flavor. Slight fruit and wood flavors, almost too slight. It’s inoffensive.
Scenario under which to buy: When you need a really safe wine that nobody will hate.
Total Points: 20

4. Four Emus 2006 ($5.99)
Where the animal is found: Like the kangaroo, emus are found across all of Australia though they tend to avoid larger urban areas
What the label says: The Shiraz is full of plum and sweet fruit flavors. Hints of black pepper and cloves add complexity.
What the tasters say: Light, not much flavor and slightly sour. Tastes artificial. What I imagine Astroturf to taste like. Very chemically. Fake fruit flavor, like licking a pineapple after a monkey has licked it.
Scenario under which to buy: When it's heavily discounted and you want a wine that reminds you of Tang.
Total Score: 17

5. Mattie’s Perch 2006 ($6.29)
Where the animal is found: Koalas live in mainly eastern Australia, with the density thinning farther from the coast.
What the label says: This shiraz has a bright, clear, and deep red colour, with aromas of plum with vanilla, and delivers fresh blackberry flavours with a touch of caramel
What the tasters say: No real flavor which is bad for tasting but good in the sense I could drink this all night. There’s nothing to it. No zap. The only flavors I get are slightly chemical.
Scenario under which to buy: When you're going to a bum-wine party but want to bring something one step up on the scale in quality.
Total Score: 15.5

6. Yellow Tail 2006 ($7.39)
Where the animal is found: The more remote and arid a place is, the more the wallaby tends to like it, thus they’re often found in the outback and middle of the country.
What the label says: Ripe cherries and strawberries, spice and vanilla aromas. This bold Shiraz is well-balanced, with earthy tones and lingering fruit on the tongue.
What the tasters say: Bleh! Horrible. No nose and has a ghetto sweetness. Tastes like pulled pork sautéed in Welch’s grape juice. Terrible chemical cherry. Tastes like melted rubber. Tastes like silica gel. Tastes like an ass someone put cherry lip balm on.
Scenario under which to buy: When you need a gift for someone you don't care for and they're shallow to think that any brand they've heard of before must be good.
Total Score: 9

The Verdict:
Make no bones about it, the Yellow Tail stank. It got the lowest score on every person's sheet. It was disgustingly chemical. Like a wine with a Botox injection. Black Swan was the winner, but its spiciness divided the panel, one person thought it was much too dry and peppery to drink in any large amount. If you liked Yellow Tail last time you drank it but it's been a year or two, Little Penguin is probably the choice for you now. Four Emus, Alice Waters and Mattie's Perch tasted pretty much like what a $7 bottle of wine is supposed to taste like.

Five of the wines would fit in perfectly at your next barbie. Just stay away from the one with the wallaby on its label. Wallaby's don't like crowded places anyway.