By OWEN MORRIS
Its official name is Charles Shaw, but most people know the Trader Joe's wine better as Two-Buck Chuck. As its nickname suggests, the wine costs two dollars in many states, though it's three in Missouri due to tax laws.
But none of that really matters, because here's no Trader Joe's in Kansas City. But after picking up some bottles of Two-Buck Chuck while I was in St. Louis recently, I decided to find out whether there were any competitors in the same price range a little closer to home.
I quickly learned that apart from wine coolers and bum wine, there isn't much available for under five bones. But at the second liquor store, I finally found two wines to compete against the Charles Shaw: Fish Eye and Papio, both of which cost $4.99.
So with three Merlots and just over $13 spent, a few friends and I got to drinking.
Fish Eye Merlot
Fish Eye has gained more attention this past year because its maker, The Wine Group, figured out it would be much easier to sell people a big box of it all at once than trying to get them to buy four individual bottles. Even more ingenious, they charge $19.99 for the three-liter box, which works out to the exact same cost per bottle as I paid. So no savings for buying in bulk but hey, the company did run television advertisements during The Oscars and Grey's Anatomy last year.
How Does it Taste: "Cirtus plus apple plus mud," said one taster. "Doesn't smell like wine but like a good wall plug-in," said another. "Not velvety at all. Not pleasant at all. Not [insert any word for good here] at all, at all, at all."
Best Quote Summing it Up: "Trying a little too hard to make me like it. Desperate for attention. Like Robin Williams."
Charles Shaw
The standard in cheap-as-hell wine or, as the Bronco Wine Company likes to call it, "extreme value" wine. The company was originally able to take advantage of a 1990s wine glut in California. Through its exclusive deal with Trader Joe's and a couple of decent showings in wine tastings, it became "the nation's best selling wine," according to Trader Joe's. By all accounts the oversupply of good wine has ended, and Trader Joe's quality has slipped in recent years. But it's still only three bucks!
How Does it Taste: "Sour as the sourest of dispositions." "Tastes dirty. Smells like bad breath." "Sour but the second taste was a little better."
Best Quote Summing it Up: "Like being hit with a wine-soaked gym sock."
Papio
Papio is Latin for baboon , and this wine is all about monkeys -- there's even one on the label. Winemaker Erik Schultz says that's because "monkeys are playful, sociable animals and are a nice reminder of what wine should be all about: having fun." The one wine on this list without a multi-million dollar ad campaign or distribution deal, Papio is also the only wine on the list that donates a percentage of its proceeds to charity. It gives a portion of all income to the African Wildlife Foundation to protect monkey habitats. Though at only $5 a bottle, it's not clear how big a donation that could be.
How Does it Taste: "Like number one [Fish Eye] but better nose and less dread-inducing." "Inoffensive and slightly entertaining, like Pirates of the Caribbean."Smells like a catbox but a clean catbox!"
Best Quote Summing it Up: "Best of the bunch! Which is like being the prettiest waitress at a Denny's. It's nothing to brag about."
The final verdict showed the Papio to be the least shitty most popular of the three. All agreed, though, that it's totally worth it to spend a dollar or two more and step up into the price range of Yellow Tail's competitors. That is, unless you really like monkeys.
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