Kansas City Blog

Make rules: I don't drink beer from boots. Don't chug. Don't shotgun. Don't hoot. Like that. Walk into a bar as if you've been there before. When entering a crowded joint, know your poison. Order simply and clearly. If the bar is uncrowded, if the bartender is smart and attentive, ask for recommendations.

It's important you stick by your rules. Not only so you don't end with marker drawings on your face but so people don't come to think of you as a pushover and can't be upsold into ordering something you don't want or buying expensive shots for the entire bar. As for pretending like you've been to the bar before: A beloved regular would never harass a bartender for quicker service or order an incredibly complicated drink and then not tip.

Some more advice:

Lose the urgency, too. Drinking should not be the event in itself.

This is one I struggled with. When you're young, drinking is an exercise in avoiding detection so speed is of the essence. As you get older the opposite is true -- drinking becomes an exercise in self-control, of sipping purposely slow to stay alert, save money or just savor an exquisite liquor. That's why it's so important to move drinking beyond Coors Light and Keystone and other beers that reward quick drinking. You can't chug a wine. (At least not pleasantly.)

Every once in a while, you'll turn around and you'll encounter that guy, any one of many guys, really -- the shouter, the stumbler, the puncher, the teary guy, the sleepy drunk, the ass-grabber, the chest-poker, the jabbermouth, the spitter, the wobbly fool. One version or another, he's always there. Really look then. Understand that that guy doesn't know what he is, doesn't know what he looks like, what people say about him.

Remember if one of your friends is "that guy" it is your responsibility, as a friend, to tell him. If the antisocial behavior continues, do not reward it. It's not your responsibility to risk physical harm and legal trouble because your friend can't control himself and picks a fight with a stranger. Make a rule not to hang out with that person until he changes and remember from above: Don't break your personal rules.

Finally, when you've graduated into the realm of adult drinking, it's time to own a proper book on the subject. The best one was coincidentally published by Esquire more than 50 years ago. The Handbook For Hosts (both the 1949 and 1953 edition are excellent) is a timeless look at throwing a party, making cocktails and mastering every other skill a true drinker needs. Good luck!

Hat-tip to Daily Fork for finding the Esquire article. Image via Flickr: Amanda Cee.