Blogs

By ERIC BARTON

Few people would've called The Kansas City Star's former owner, Knight Ridder, a bastion of great journalism. But one thing Knight Ridder didn't do is send Kansas City jobs overseas.

The Star's current overlord, McClatchy, is firing nine employees in Kansas City and sending the jobs to India. The Star broke the news today about the layoffs in a brief on the second page of the business section. The article says that Star President and Publisher Mark Zieman sent a memo to employees indicating that nine people who do advertising production work would lose their jobs. The work will be sent to Infosys Technologies in Bangalore, India.

McClatchy has been outsourcing advertising production work overseas at many of its papers. And there have been rumors for months within the Star's offices that such a move would be likely here.

McClatchy treasurer Elaine Lintecum, who's listed on the company's Web site as a media contact, declined to comment for The Pitch. She said, "I recommend that you call The Kansas City Star," before abruptly hanging up.

New Star Publisher Mark Zieman and Jennifer Kisser, who heads the advertising services department, did not immediately return a phone call from The Pitch.

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

Yesterday, former Chiefs defensive lineman Joe Phillips resurfaced online with a rant as disturbing as one would expect from someone on the lam in Oregon. This falls on the heels of the equally disturbing story of former Chief Bill Maas and other former and current athletes that make the sports page -- the "toy department" of every newspaper -- resemble a police blotter.

Which begs the question: why do I watch sports? After all, we root for incomplete human beings.

As a kid, I was blissfully ignorant of the foibles of athletes. In part, this was the naïveté of a child. But the news media of my youth also shielded me from the obvious, as they were unwilling or unable to publish stories about the private lives of those who played in public.

Then I grew up.

You learn that athletes live imperfect and occasionally quite disturbing personal lives. Or, like many of us do, attempt to gain a slight advantage in their profession through unethical means. Even if I wanted to be ignorant of this, today's media coverage will not let me.

I wish I could say that I follow sports with the enthusiasm I had when I was a kid. On occasion, I respond to athletes' personal issues with cynicism and snark because it's easy and lazy. Like some, I occasionally withdraw from the 24-hour news cycle, as it is simply exhausting to read about yet another athlete behaving poorly. Sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just care whether "my" team wins. As Jerry Seinfeld said, I root for laundry.

I do find myself following sports in a more nuanced way on occasion.

I root for Brian Bannister to defy the radar gun and find success as a result of his guile, as I
identify with those who need to overcome physical limitations with their mind. I root for Zach Greinke to overcome his personal difficulties and anxiety, as I too have personal difficulties and anxiety I must overcome. I even root for Billy Butler to become so valuable as a hitter that we amused by his limitations in the field and on the base paths, as I pray the assets that I occasionally exhibit outweigh my numerous defects.

I root for incomplete human beings because I understand and appreciate that I am incomplete myself.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY, Israel. When you were established, John McCain was already sitting on a donut-shaped prostate cushion.

Ding your little bell if you love banana seats: Some cyclists gathered in Brookside for "The Ride of Silence," honoring their dead cycling brethren and cistern. No speaking during "The Ride of Silence," please. The article touches on oversized novelty Mayor Mark Funkhouser's plan to earn a Platinum designation for Kansas City from the League of American Bicyclists. Just like Portland, Oregon! I lived in Portland, so let me just say: NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Kansas City, I love you, but that's like gross (but sweet!) old Helen Thomas wanting to be Audrey Hepburn. FULL DISCLOSURE: I ride a bike to work. But: As a member of the conservative John Birch League of Strict Constructionist Bicyclists, I would like to take this opportunity to dissociate myself from the sweaty "ONE LESS CAR" bike hippie subculture.

GM Hates Asthma Babies: General Motors could cancel health care and life insurance benefits for all striking workers at the Fairfax assembly plant as early as June 1st. They've already canceled benefits for striking workers in Lansing, Michigan, so they come to the table with a solid reputation for dickishness. SRSLY, General Motors, there are children involved here, many of whom have asthma. Asthma! Would you literally knock the Primeval Mist inhaler out of the hands of wheezing toddler? If you earn enough Dick Points, do you get a poncho or something?

The 2008 Sewer Olympics: Actually, this is pretty gross: The Duck Derby returns to Kansas City on June 29th. Thousands of rubber ducks are released into Brush Creek in the Plaza, where they will be washed by the current through shoals of poo to the finish line where, presumably, they will be collected and burned as biohazardous waste. The DUCK DERBY, you guys! Sponsored by RED Development, and benefiting the Children's Therapeutic Learning Center. I know Brush Creek is like Kansas City's "Seine," but seriously, Country Club Plaza, your idyllic waterfront is gross and pooey.

Such a brave, pretty man: John Edwards bravely stepped up and endorsed Barack Obama the minute he knew he'd be safe from vengeful Hillary Clinton. Seriously, imagine the political retaliation that would have ensued if she'd won the nomination and, God forbid, the presidency. I'll bet even Obama-endorsing Oprah Winfrey would have fled the country. When I think of the Clintons, I don't think "non-vindictive." Mathemagically, it would have been like I, Claudius times I Spit on Your Grave.

The Edwards endorsement comes on the heels of Obama's 41-point loss in shoes-optional West Virginia. A chief adviser for John Edwards with the Kentucky Fried nickname David "Mudcat" Saunders said, "For Barack Obama, I think he ought to kiss Johnny Edwards on the lips to kill this 41-point loss." GROSS, David "Mudcat" Saunders.

Now that this thing is all sewn up, we can focus on the issues. Specifically: horribly old John McCain. Obama is way too classy to make age an issue in this campaign, but here's the thing: I am not running for president. So I'm totally free to say that John McCain is THIS OLD: He still uses virtual reality goggles and haptic gloves to GO INTO CYBERSPACE where HE IS LIKE A GOD!!!!!

And this is CYBERSPACE:

I think the skull is the website where McCain orders his cases of Ensure adult formula.

BILL O'REILLY MELTDOWN DANCE REMIX, YOU GUYS!

Probably NSFW unless you have headphones. Also: Awesome.

By LORNA PERRY

You'll need a permit for that

Our region’s latest and ever-increasing encounter with Midwestern twister weather begs a certain question: What’s a homeowner to do when a sizable chunk of their house blows away during a tornado?

In Gladstone at least, the answer is to immediately apply for permits from the city. There can be no dumpsters delivered and no repair work done on your house until you are granted permission from the city. Otherwise – in between those nail-biting calls to the insurance company and trying to keep the ol’ chin up – you might find your torn-up-house-owning ass fined.

That's at least according to this comment thread over at the Argument Machine.

Obviously, house permits and the like exist for a reason. Nobody wants to see a dumpster in their neighbor’s yard for half the year or a house with a million additions slowly unfold across the street. But c’mon. When disaster strikes, let’s hope most cities have a policy in place to help homeowners deal with their new reality.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

SADAKO WINS WEST VIRGINIA

In a shock upset, vengeful spirit Sadako Yamamura crawled out of a West Virginia well and beat presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama in the state's primary in a landslide two-to-one victory. But Obama supporter former Colorado Gov. Roy Romer said it is now impossible for Sadako to overcome Obama's lead. "The math is controlling. This race, I believe, is over," Romer said in a conference call sponsored by the Obama campaign.

The horrifying Japanese wraith, who has campaigned across the United States on a platform of existential dread, vowed to continue unstoppably shivering and clawing toward the Democratic convention in July.

GOOD GUYS WIN IN 2008: Oh, my God, you guys, Democrat Travis Childers defeated Republican Greg Davis in a Mississippi special election last night — and it wasn't even that close. For some perspective, that's roughly equivalent to George W. Bush being unanimously elected president of Cindy Sheehan. But it's so weird that analogies actually break down and you have to resort to surrealism and say that it's like floaty apple bowler hat guy, train coming out of the fireplace. That's according to Rasmussen polling, with a margin of error of floppy clock dangling off a tree branch. Here's a preview of the next two nonsurreal paragraphs: I'm going to prove that the United States is transforming into France without resorting to math.

Put a mammal of the Felidae family and one of four "big cats" in the Panthera genus in your tank: Now that gas costs as much as something really expensive — let's say it costs as much as the Complete Oxford English Dictionary, and filling up your car is equivalent to putting the Oxford English Dictionary in your tank every single week — American businesses and energy-independence think tanks are importing tiny little European cars into the United States, parking them under bright lights, and nervously circling around and poking at them. As it turns out, the Smart Car two-seater, which looks like a teeny, brittle deathtrap, is surprisingly safe, earning the top rating of "good" for front and side crash protection from the Insurance Institute for Highway Tests. So I guess there are still M. Night Shyamalan surprise endings in this crazy old Bruce Willis-is-a-ghost world.

The irony, of course, being that the very politicians who derided France in the runup to the war in Iraq, with their Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast and Freedom kissing undercover cops in airport men's rooms, devised and implemented an energy policy that is actively transforming the United States into France. Because, listen, you guys, I saw Paris this one time, and that city is crawling with Smart Cars. Also, fuckin' good bread. And in France, if you want a new heart valve, you just reach up and pluck it. There's really only one drawback I can think of to our inexorable transformation into the new France:

Cute-ass shit: Smoke the hamster can fit an amazing amount of food in her chubby little cheeks, and I could just die, this is so very, very precious:

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

An NBA team just might someday call Kansas City home. After all, we are one of the largest media markets without a major winter sport, and we recently built the Sprint Center, a downtown arena containing amenities that Kemper Arena lacked (also, the Sprint Center isn't haunted).

However, there is one problem: We do not deserve a professional basketball team.

After the NBA draft, Kansas City fans treat a former college star's existence as if that player entered a witness protection program. Royals' rain delay coverage on FSN (a/k/a "The Best Damn NASCAR Crashes") draws higher ratings than the NBA's playoffs, the only part of the NBA season that anyone ever admits to watching.

As a public service, here's an overview of the teams remaining in the NBA playoffs and why Big 12 fans should care:

The Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers play in the first Eastern Conference series. The Celtics, led by former Jayhawk Paul Pierce, proving that he has blossomed after the stifling influence of Roy Williams and Jeff Boschee.

Elsewhere in the Eastern Conference, the former champs Detroit Pistons are formidable and face the Orlando Magic, who has Keyon Dooling on their roster, a reminder that Missouri once fielded a competitive basketball team.

In the West, the Los Angeles Lakers finally have surrounded Kobe Bryant with a championship-caliber roster. Texas' Chris Mihm sits on the Laker bench where he checks out women who also don't ever appear in a playoff game. They face the Utah Jazz, a team facing immediate elimination if there is a conspiracy to boost the NBA's television ratings.

In the other Western Conference matchup, the defending champion San Antonio Spurs have won four championships in an almost anonymous fashion. Former KU star Jacque Vaughn plays for the Spurs, where he continues to refuse to shoot open jumpers. They face the New Orleans Hornets, who are led by point guard Chris Paul. KU's Julian Wright, who opted to play for a NBA championship for millions of dollars instead of a NCAA championship for no pay. Some in Lawrence think he regrets that decision.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

King Hillary of West Virginia: At his current pace of superdelegate endorsements, Barack Obama is on track to officially, numerically win the Democratic nomination by June 3. His team apparently mapped out the candidate's delegate strategy early in 2007, and I assume the plan extends all the way into the last year of his second term as president in 2015, including possible retorts to the accusations that he's become a "lame duck." For instance: "Am not."

Nonetheless, Fail Candidate Hillary Clinton is doggedly barreling ahead like the tough little fireplug she is. My feelings are best expressed in the lyrical idiom of Photoshop Elements 3.0:

By far, the most amount of time and work I've ever put into saying something mean. Daily Briefs: The only Web feature that cares about you.

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously:Yael Abouhalkah thinks you should WAKE UP, PEOPLE! And DESTROY YOUR TELEVISION! It's an ARTIFICIAL CONSTRUCT, and all it does is teach you to PASSIVELY CONSUME! Seriously, this reads like the unpracticed cynicism of an undergrad political science major. With a headful of Noam Chomsky. And a hackey-sack. I guess mass-media has let Yael down just one too many times.

Leviticus 21:19 is pretty funny, too. Back when I used to believe in God and baseball, I'd go to Royals games and hold up my JOSHUA 5:3 sign. It's the only Bible passage I ever cite: "So Joshua made flint knives and circumcised the men at the Hill of the Foreskins..." These days, I'm into Scientology and women's figure skating, but it's still the only Bible passage I ever cite, because it's the all-purpose Leatherman multitool of Biblical references. The Hill of the Foreskins, people.

Wayne Godsey, president and general manager of KMBC, is so mad about Kansas City's crumbling, Civil War-era sewer system that he reaches the expressive limits of monosyllabic television news writing and becomes unexpectedly Bible-y: "Kansas City residents and businesses are about to pay for the sins of their fathers," he says. He's plainly blaming your dad — and calling him "sinful" — for not solving the problem so that he, Wayne Godsey, wouldn't have to. While we're all paying higher sewage fees so we can avoid the sales taxes Godsey opposes, I think we should remember our dads, and also the brave men who had to march up a certain hill back in Bible-Shakespeare-Renaissance Festival days. When John McCain was a lad, har har.

By CRYSTAL K. WIEBE

What's the most touching thing you can imagine running across with your mom on Mother's Day? How about the Midwest Bang Bus?

On Sunday afternoon on Frederick Avenue in St. Joseph, my family and I pulled up behind The Bang Bus. In the back window was the clever warning, "If she's a rocking don't cum a knocking." The case on the spare tire advertised Truckershos.com, "the truckers web site." The otherwise nondescript black van had Missouri plates. I wondered what the male driver had done for his mom that day. Did he take her for a ride in the Bang Bus?

Later, I checked out the Web site. Slogan: "If it's got tits or tires, it will give you problems." Too bad the site itself has little of either. There are some photos of gals in tight shirts and bikini tops but no actual nudity -- yet. Most of the site is still under construction, but its makers promise in an intro that live video, chatrooms, Web radio and games like Donkey Kong are all coming soon: "Our mission here at truckershos is to provide you, the trucker, with as many tools, information, and entertainment as possible to make life on the road as stress free as we can." What a relief.

By PETER RUGG

Glass  

Fox blamed owner David Glass, who they say blames the team’s failures on the restrictions of a small market, then assembles a team of untested or fading players. Read the evaluation here.

BY DAVID MARTIN

A company that failed to win a multi-million-dollar contract is suing the City of Kansas City,
Missouri, and a rival.

Perfect Output, a minority-owned company based in Overland Park, says the city acted in bad faith when the council rejected its proposal to manage the city’s document flow. In a suit filed last month, Perfect Output says the city behaved in “an arbitrary and capricious manner,” costing the company $13.5 million.

The suit also faults a competitor, Ricoh Business Corporation. Perfect Output claims that Ricoh caused the city to deny approval of the contract by distributing false information and causing “inflammatory and racially motivated news coverage.”

In 2005, City Hall asked for bids on a job to supply photocopiers and handle other document needs. A selection committee ultimately recommended Perfect Output, and negotiations on a contract began.

Accusations of favoritism and interference tainted the process, however. City Auditor Gary White would later determine that Ricoh and Perfect Output had helped draft the requests for proposals and had personal contact with members of the selection committee. A councilman, Terry Riley, also intervened on Perfect Output’s behalf, at one point summoning a city staffer to his office to discuss a potential subcontractor’s minority status. Reporters started asking questions about Perfect Output’s bid proposal, which was significantly higher than Ricoh’s. (City officials said Perfect Output was promising do more if it got the job.)

Amid the controversy, the city’s Finance and Audit Committee voted in 2007 against entering into a contract with Perfect Output. The process is back at square one after the city decided to reject all the proposals.

White’s audit faulted the city for having inadequate procedures for awarding contracts and for doing a poor job of following the guidelines it has. Casting a wide net of blame, Perfect Output’s suit claims the audit was “erroneous” for holding the city to a process that hadn’t been adopted.

“How do you hold someone to a standard that isn’t in place,” Perfect Output’s attorney, Janet Blauvelt, tells me. “It’s a sham.”

The city denies wrongdoing. In an answer to the suit, the city’s attorneys say the council did not abuse its discretion by deciding not to award the deal to Perfect Output. No contract was breached because no contract existed, the city says.

A Ricoh official said the company had no comment.

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

After decades of progressive futility, Royals fans long ago gave up on the present. Instead, some look longingly at memories of successful Royals seasons, while others look to the farm system for a distant utopia where Deyton Moore makes the Royals successful again.

Me? I prefer alternate reality. In an effort to determine whether the Royals will appear in the playoffs, I have played a simulation of the next five years using the computer game Baseball Mogul 2009 to determine whether the Royals will appear in the playoffs.

A one-time thing?  

2008: 77-85. Hitting .235, Jose Guillen fails to live up to his massive contract. But unlike Emil Brown, he doesn't shoot a local television personality with a gun. The Philadelphia Phillies defeat the Cleveland Indians in five games, becoming the first World Series champions in history to be booed during their victory parade.

2009: 79-83. Alex Gordon finally breaks through with a big season, collecting 107 runs batted in, just in time for his salary arbitration hearings. Tampa Bay defeats Philadelphia 4-1 in the World Series, celebrating in front of a half-empty crowd in a poorly lit domed stadium.

2010: 93-69. The Royals lose Zach Greinke to the Washington Nationals in free agency but remain competitive throughout the year, failing by one game to gain the AL Central crown. The Yankees fail to make the post-season again, prompting the firing of Brian Cashman, Joe Girardi and, for old time's sake, the corpse of Billy Martin.

2011: 66-96. Alex Gordon signs with the Braves in the off-season after driving in 128 runs batted in for the Royals. Behind Gordon, the Braves defeat the resurgent Yankees in five games in the Series. David Glass defends not re-signing Gordon, saying that the Royals provide "Always Low Prices. ALWAYS!"

2012: 48-114. Royals finish with worst mark in their history, as David Glass readies to move the franchise to Bentonville, Arkansas, to reduce travel costs. The Yankees defeat the Dodgers in a thrilling World Series, leading to a ticker-tape parade in Manhattan in which the crowd cheers new manager Derek Jeter and wife Miley Cyrus.

Also that year, Barry Bonds is inducted into the Hall of Fame, becoming the first player in history to give his induction speech via close-captioned television from a minimum-security prison.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Making voting more like airport security: Like drunken sex and accidental conception, voter disenfranchisement begins in the parking lot outside Sidepockets, or, if you're on a budget, at home. Sedalia Republican Stanley Cox wants to have a constitutional amendment on the August ballot enabling election officials to demand elaborate proof of identification and citizenship in order to vote in the state of Missouri. This is ostensibly about Mexicans, and — I guess — the fear that Mexicans will attempt to overthrow the United States by voting it out of office. It could happen! Remember when people were afraid of killer bees advancing across the American Midwest? That totally happened, too. We have to protect the virginal sanctity of the ballot, obvs, and disenfranchising actual Americans is just a side effect, like flipper hands on thalidomide babies.

Did I mention that every Missouri resident could potentially have to go diving for new state-issued ID before November's presidential election? Remember back in the olden days when the Supreme Court was all "in love" with voter rights and probably, like, wanted to marry it? That is a thing of the past, along with midwifery and tipping your pilgrim hat to the scrivener. The current Supreme Court refused to overturn an Indiana voter ID law, and guess who was turned away at the polls during the Indiana primary? If you guessed "Illegal Mexican workers," you're close — just substitute the words "illegal," "Mexican" and "workers" with the word "nuns," and then refer back to the thalidomide flipper hands I cited in the previous graf.

Corncob-pipe-smoking Democrats speak: America's future boyfriend, Barack Obama, does not have time to conquer West Virginia because he is going to be in Missouri on Tuesday. Besides, the sheer concentration of backward racist hill-folk in the Appalachian states makes it hard for an obvious Muslim terrorist elitist America-hater to achieve electoral victory. Here are some actual quotes from some of Hillary Clinton's hardworking whites, along with some artist's conceptions of what they might look like.

"I've got 50-some guns, and I wasn't crazy about Obama's talk about small towns ... Besides, Obama just doesn't sound right for an American president."

"Obama takes the cake because of, you know, who he is. [He has a] Muslim name ... He's just a mistake any way you look at him."

"Is he Islamic or is he not? I know he's tried to talk about it but he hasn't looked anybody in Wayne in the eye and told them."

"I can't stand him. He's a Muslim. He's not even pro-American as far as I'm concerned."

"Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and ... whites in both states who had not completed college [are] supporting me."

"His father was a Black Muslim Kenyan. His mother is a white atheist from Kansas. Barack was schooled in a Jakarta Muslim school ... The Bible warns of the devil in sheep's clothing. If you want to put the fox in the hen house to guard the chickens, then go ahead and elect Barack Obama."

Your 28800-baud government at work: Broadband Internet access in the United States is a gigantic embarrassment, unless you take nationalistic pride in placing 15th worldwide. WHOOO! USA! Telecom deregulation has yielded a duopoly in America, while "socialist" countries — such as France — have a robust, competitive broadband marketplace. GO BACK TO FRANCE, FRANCE! Also, GO BACK TO FRANCE, CANADA, because even Canada treats broadband Internet access as a core infrastructure element, like highways and and aqueducts.

Hillary in the House: Do these people know they lost? I'm not a hateful man. Once, I gave some money to a hobo or a charity or something. But I sincerely hate each and every person in this video, particularly the shrill man-harpy at the beginning who's so enthusiastic about women "cleaning up the house." Imagine that you had to live with that guy, like, because of a court order, or something. And you had an ankle bracelet that electro-snitched when you strayed beyond a certain radius. And you had to hold hands with him. And he wouldn't stop singing this song:

BY DAVID MARTIN

U.S. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver’s hairline has made a dramatic comeback.

The 62-year-old politician and minister is rocking a full head of hair in television spots that encourage residents to build rain gardens. Robust growth covers a forehead that had started to become exposed when Cleaver was mayor of Kansas City in the 1990s.

The congressman, it seems, got his new hair in surgery, not a wig shop. Cleaver spokesman Danny Rotert says the congressman is not wearing a hairpiece. Asked if Cleaver had undergone hair transplantation, Rotert said: “He may have.”

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

The Dodgers know general admission. So why don't the Royals?

Something other than the Royals offense was missing during KC’s 4-1 loss to Baltimore. I sat in the “Outfield Reserve” seats, the area formerly known as Left Field General Admission. The crowd was passive to the point of indifference, and it added to the dull, non-descript nature of the game itself.

Then it hit me: for all the talk of the return of the powder blue uniforms, why not bring back General Admission?

I sat in General Admission for some of the more memorable regular season games in Royals history. I was there when Willie Wilson helped clinch the AL West crown in 1985 with a game-winning single. And I witnessed an 18-inning game that began with Nolan Ryan and Bret Saberhagen and ended with GA fans suffering from sunburn and the effects of alcohol withdrawal.

When the Royals were successful (and even when they were not), the people seated in General Admission were, after several adult beverages, as entertaining as the game itself. Were they drunk and rowdy? Yes. Did the area resemble the bar in Star Wars on occasion? Absolutely.

Han would've sat in general admission.

Nevertheless, there was a camaraderie that existed in GA that is noticeably absent from Royals crowds in recent seasons. Fans cared about the team, in part because they saw each other every day or amused each other with their antics.

Most of all, sitting in General Admission was fun, something sorely missing from the current Royals experience.

By ERIC BARTON

University of Kansas prof David Perlmutter did well on Jon Stewart's Daily Show last night, holding his own in a discussion about how the blogosphere is dominating politics.

But the real news for Jayhawk fans? Stewart's nearly subliminal Jayhawk battle cry before the interview begins.