Kansas City News Blog

STUFF TO DO THIS WEEKEND FOR LESS THAN THE COST OF A DOWN-PAYMENT ON A CHEESEBURGER
If you’re like me, you’re nearly broke enough to consider applying to be Jerry Mazer’s intern and breaking into the subprime cheeseburger loan market. (I just totally squicked myself out even writing that.) Of course, I do have my own milk crate to sit on and, according to my girlfriend, am more than capable of talking in a wheedling, whingey voice. This would not be a paid internship, would it? You’d be sitting on your milk crate outside Barnes & Noble right next to Jerry, so you could totally absorb Jerry Mazer’s Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Non-existent Cheeseburgers, and he would be all hot and sweaty, and people would shout “GET A JOB!” at you all day.

Ha ha! This started out being a guide to economical fun in Kansas City, and it spontaneously morphed into a hateful, somewhat repellent, diatribe. Tip for budding writers: This is why English teachers made you outline your essays in advance. And now everybody needs to point to the doll and show the counselor where this blog touched them. But before I change the subject: I am now addressing the first person who ever chuckled at Jerry’s request for a “down-payment on a cheeseburger” and forked over a handful of change with a wry grin, thereby activating the reward pathways deep inside Jerry’s nucleus accumbens and reinforcing his behavior forever: I totally keep a shovel in my trunk for the day I meet you hitchhiking and figure out who you are.

You know what’s neither hateful nor gross nor totally off the subject of free stuff to do this weekend? Free movies! The Lesbian and Gay Community Center at 207 Westport Road has a free screening of Steven Spielberg’s Stanley Kubrick fan-fic production, Artificial Intelligence: A.I. This not-as-bad-as-you-remember film starred Haley Joel Osment before he started looking like this:

And Jude Law before he started looking like this:

It’s a heartwarming coming-of-age film about a young robot (Osment) learning the ways of robotic panhandling from Cheeseburger Joe (Law). William Hurt appears and makes low grumbling sounds deep in his chest. There is also a scene featuring Robin Williams as some kind of computer-generated, advice-giving Patch Adams kiosk, which is an excellent time to go to the restroom or step outside and make a few phone calls. That is free advice from me, for which I do not expect compensation in the form of pocket change. The screening is tonight at 7.

Photographer Michael McClure exhibits a series of circus portraits at Missouri Bank's branch in the Crossroads Arts District, at at 122 Southwest Boulevard. Total cost to you: zero dollars!

Another thing that is free: riding a bicycle. You don’t have to pay for fuel, unless you count the food that powers your muscles. For instance: cheeseburgers. Those are totally not free, and may require some sort of down-payment. Saturday at noon, area bikers meet for Cruise the Creek, a 5-mile bike ride on the paved creek trail and the gravel trolley trail.

"First Sunday" Family Fun Day at the Kansas City Museum, 3218 Gladstone Boulevard, means not having to solicit spare change and test the patience and goodwill of Banana Republic shoppers – because it’s totally free! All you have to do is bring along kids ages 3 to 12, and admission for the whole group is waived. This illustrates the persuasive power of accessorizing with children. Does Jerry Mazer have kids? Because I’ll bet he would make tons more money by hauling them down to the Plaza to look all hungry and pathetic and -- oh, my God -- I just loaded myself up with the image of Jerry Mazer procreating. I hereby apologize to each and every reader of this blog. -- Chris Packham