Hello! My name is Scout. I am an American short-hair kitten, and I love to pounce on things! Among the things I enjoy attacking: your feet under the blankets, jingle mice from the pet store, other kittens and houseflies. I like to swat at them with my tiny little paws. My owner is named Chris, and he is always coming and going. Tonight, he is going to see Time Bandits, Terry Gilliam’s 1981 comedy about an English boy who has exciting adventures with a group of diminutive time travelers! It’s screening at 8:45 p.m. at the Central Branch of the Kansas City Public Library, 14 West 10th Street, as part of the Off the Wall Film Series.
While he’s gone, I’ll be injecting 300 milligrams of Clomid, 20 milligrams of Nolva and .25 miligrams of L-Dex directly into my cute little scapular deltoid muscles. I use anti-estrogens for two weeks before I start the cycle to avoid the worst side effects. The clomiphene citrate stimulates testosterone production, because anabolic steroid use suppresses my little testosterone cycle! In three weeks, I’ll be sheathed in lean muscle bulk!
On Saturday, Chris is going to the Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop and Farm (at 1100 Kansas City Road in Olathe) for the Wild West Show and Fiesta Bullwhacker. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Historical re-enactors portray cowboys, Indians and mountain men. There’s going to be food, fun children’s activities and stagecoach rides ... what? What’s the matter? You think that sounds stupid? Because I WILL FUCKING TEAR YOUR STUPID BITCH HEAD OFF IF YOU DON’T QUIT STARING AT ME, YOU FUCK!
I’m sorry. I don’t know what comes over me sometimes. Ever since I started on my 12-day cycle of Nolvadex, I’ve been feeling ornery!
You know what else makes me feel ornery? When my kitty box is dirty! I like to make my little poops in clean litter and then cover it up, the way I learned from my mommy. Saturday at 10 a.m. at the Anita B. Gorman Conservation Discovery Center at 4750 Troost, you can learn all about animal poops from a presentation called What's That Scat? Learn how to track animals in the forest by their poops. It’s a walk-in program for all ages! And if Chris doesn’t scoop out my poops and add some fresh fucking litter to the box I SWEAR TO CHRIST I WILL FUCKING RIP HIS HEART OUT OF HIS FUCKING CHEST AND SHOW IT TO HIM BEFORE HE DIES! I WILL SLASH OPEN HIS FEMORAL ARTERIES AND WATCH HIM BLEED OUT ON THE FLOOR! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Oh, heavens. Every now and then, I really “fly off the handle.” My friend Tony down at the gym has a funny word for it. He calls it “’Roid Rage.” Sometimes I think that should be my new name. Tony just got some boldenone undecylenate from his scrip doctor. I love it ever so much! It is basically Dianabol without the 17-alpha-methyl group – just as anabolic as testosterone but only half as androgenic! I’ll go and pick up a few vials when Chris goes to Saturday’s September Slam at the Platte County Fairgrounds, at the Intersection of highways 92 and 273. It’s a demolition derby! Including a rollover contest! It starts at 6 p.m. And if Chris isn’t out of the house by 5 p.m. so I can conduct my fucking business, THEY ARE GOING TO FIND HIS HEADLESS CORPSE IN A DITCH BECAUSE I WILL FUCKING KILL HIM – AND OH MY GOD I HAVE A SPLITTING FUCKING HEADACHEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
--Chris Packham
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