Blogs

By ERIC BARTON

Christmas is long over, but there's still one more gift: this video of KMBC Channel 9's Larry Moore reading to a bunch of kids who couldn't care less.

Only two of the collected brood of children make it through the story. The one on Moore's left looks like he might have had a bit too much Benadryl that day. And the other, well, it looks like Moore has him in a death grip. The others do like his viewers probably did before this segment and find something better to do.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Well met, O people of Earth’s past few days! It is I, Lord Magnus, time traveler from SEVERAL DAYS IN THE FUTURE! I greet you as a fellow traveler — OF TIME! Though you shall live to see the FUTURISTIC YEAR 2008, I say to you, the world is a very different place — far stranger than you could possibly know. The after-holiday sales during your prehistoric last-week era were UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME. I was able to acquire a FUTURISTIC PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY using a special fiduciary instrument that we of the future call a CHRISTMAS CHECK FROM MY NANA!

KNEEL BEFORE THE AWESOME MAJESTY OF MY NEW PLAYSTATION 2 HAMMER WIRELESS GUITAR CONTROLLER! Lo, the masses shall behold the power of my shredding and tremble! Unencumbered by the wired controllers of the ancients, I will become the master of Iron Maiden’s “The Number of the Beast” on the "Hard" difficulty setting — REAL SOON NOW!

To me, your era is three days in the past. But you have yet to experience the FINAL AWESOME WEEKEND OF 2007. How I envy you! Would that I were able to relive that glorious time! Friday night's monthly CRITICAL MASS pitted the ancient cyclists of last week against the terrible forces of nature! Specifically, the great storm that we of Earth's future remember as THAT SNOWSTORM THAT HAPPENED LAST THURSDAY NIGHT! Though my frame is unsuited to the physical demands of biking, I attended with MY FRIENDS TROY AND KYLE. We took my dad's old hip flask and filled it with plum schnapps Kyle stole from his grandma's house. WE GOT TOTALLY WASTED in the Sunfresh parking lot at 4001 Mill at the 6 p.m. launch and made it only about four blocks.

Saturday began an epic THREE-NIGHT SERIES of music performances by SPLIT LIP RAYFIELD. We, the people of my era, prefer the BUTT ROCK OF THE 1980s — but Split Lip Rayfield is an AWESOME BAND, and I resolved to see Saturday's magnificent ALL-AGES PERFORMANCE AT THE BOTTLENECK. Yea, though the band blazed that night with the fiery power of the ages, I DRANK WAY TOO MUCH PABST and THREW UP ON THIS DUDE FROM INDEPENDENCE. Woe betide he who soils the boots of CRAIG or crosses Craig's FRIENDS FROM TRUMAN HIGH. Following an exchange of DRUNKEN SHOVING, we were all EJECTED FROM THE SHOW. People of Earth's several days' past, I beseech you: In the scuffle, I shall totally DROP MY WALLET, which contains my FAKE I.D. Please, my ancestors, retrieve my velcro Korn wallet and return it to the address within — I am totally offering a $10 REWARD!

Without money, I was compelled Sunday to resort to playing FREE POOL AT OVERTIME at 9083 Metcalf in Overland Park — every week on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday, the tables are free ALL DAY. When finally I was asked to leave for failure to make a purchase, I went home and PLAYED GUITAR HERO. Would that I had not quit my job at Papa John's! Learn from my example, O my ancestors, and totally do not lose your cash and debit card in a drunken weekend shoving match.

Enjoy your last days of 2007, and I shall see you again — in the VERY NEAR FUTURE!

By DAVID MARTIN

Thousands of logo-festooned Midwesterners will travel to celebrate the outstanding seasons of their college football teams. The Missouri Tigers face Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl in Dallas on January 1. Two days later, the Kansas Jayhawks line up against Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl in Miami.

Here’s a guide for fans who may be making the trips to states governed at one time or another by a Bush boy.

Population
Dallas: 5.5 million
Miami: 3.9 million
Edge: Dallas

Average January low temperature
Dallas: 34 degrees
Miami: 59 degrees
Edge: Miami

Great embarrassment
Dallas: Assassination of JFK
Miami: Endurance of Castro
Edge: Dallas

Most appalling local resident
Dallas: Mark Cuban
Miami: Mickey Rourke
Edge: Dallas (Rourke was pretty good -- and therefore less appalling -- in Sin City)

Leading man
Dallas: Larry Hagman
Miami: Don Johnson
Edge: Dallas (Hagman gets bonus points for JFK cameo)

Reality-show taskmaster
Dallas: Kelli Finglass (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team)
Miami: Ami James (Miami Ink)
Edge: Dallas

Excellence in reporting
Dallas: Dan Jenkins
Miami: Edna Buchanan
Edge: Miami

Coaching legend's state
Dallas: Dead (Tom Landry)
Miami: Bitter (Don Shula)
Edge: Dallas

Memorable sports-related movie
Dallas: North Dallas 40
Miami: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Edge: Dallas

Quarterback-turned-analyst
Dallas: Troy Aikman
Miami: Dan Marino
Edge: Dallas

Bowl title sponsor
Dallas: AT&T
Miami: FedEx
Edge: pick 'em

National Anthem singer
Dallas: Kilgore College Choral Group
Miami: Katharine McPhee
Edge: Miami

Pre-game activity
Dallas: Petty Theft (Tom Petty tribute band), House of Blues, Dec. 31
Miami: King Mango Strut, Dec. 30
Edge: Miami

Tourist area to avoid
Dallas: Victory Park/West End
Miami: Ocean Drive, South Beach
Edge: Miami ("More sunburned Midwestern yahoos here than anywhere this side of the St. Louis arch," one Miami expert tells us; but it'll be sunny)

Tourist area to embrace
Dallas: Deep Ellum
Miami: Little Havana
Edge: Miami (Cuban food, art galleries, cigar stores)

Best dining for fat-cat alumni
Dallas: Abacus
Miami: Prime 112
Edge: Dallas (Abacus chef Tre Wilcox appeared on Top Chef)

Best place for those without a ticket to watch game
Dallas: Vickery Park
Miami: The Ale House
Edge: Miami (The Ale House in North Miami Beach is seven miles from Dolphin Stadium -- and near water)

Penalty for disorderly conduct
Dallas: $500
Miami: 60 days
Edge: Dallas

So that's 10 for Big D, six for Miami and one tie. Congratulations, Tiger fans. You may have been left out of the Bowl Championship Series. But your eventual arrest will be less painful.

By ERIC BARTON

Terry Lee Franz probably hasn't had what you'd call a good year. The 52-year-old from Overland Park told police back in may that he was stabbed by his wife during an argument. That's not what you might expect from Mrs. Claus.

Franz is known as the Santa of cars, a guy who gives away free rides to the needy. He got his first bit of national fame from this CBS News report.

Despite his seemingly rough year, Franz and his organization, Cars 4 Christmas, are still giving away cars to those who need them.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

FRIDAY: From 3 to 6 p.m. at the Replay (946 Massachusetts in Lawrence), play pinball for free. Whoops, you lost a ball. Don’t worry: You won’t have to plug in another quarter — because the pinball is free! Whoops – lost another one. You’re not good at this, are you?

SATURDAY: It’s Over, the ACBS and OK Jones play at the Brick (1727 McGee, 816-421-1634).

Jah Roots, 77 Jefferson and Co-Signers play at Californos (4124 Pennsylvania, 816-531-7878)

Outlaw Jake and the Chain Gang, Abracadabras, All Sorts, Attack on Uranus at Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club (3402 Main, 816-753-1909).

SUNDAY: Family Bowling Night at Ward Parkway Lanes (1523 West 89th Street). From 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., bowl for $2.70 per person per game. Shoe rental not included. Enjoy wholesome fun with the whole family; if your daughter’s shoe goes over the line, mark it zero, next frame, or she’s in for a world of pain.

By PETER RUGG

This sign on the Boulevard says it all.

Ralph Roades was pushing his restaurant/hotel at Lake of the Ozarks when he figured it out.

“I just wanted to get some business in,” says the 56-year-old publisher of Wide Open magazine.

So began Roades’ signature brand of promotion. He’ll carry it on in Kansas City for the first time this January when he raffles off a free breast augmentation surgery at a bike show running January 12-13 at the 3-Trails Expo Center. It’s the third year of the bike show, but the first time you can win your old lady a new pair of breasts.

“I needed to add something special. I was just going to give away a $5,000 check because I couldn’t find a plastic surgeon out there to do it,” Roades says. “Then I ran into Carol and Michelle from Fantastic Plastic Surgery out in St. Louis, and they said they’d set up a draped-off booth at the show. You can get a consultation right there if you want.

“It’s something for the ladies, you know? You give away the bike that’s a lot of maintenance. They don’t have to change the oil on these or grease them or nothing. This is a maintenance-free prize.”

Roades describes the promotion as an almost historic moment. “You know, in the old days it all used to be beer and titties. No one has ever given away breasts at a bike show before. We’ll see how all the others copy it now.”

If the breasts aren’t enough to get you in the door, the event will also feature motorcycle awards, live music, the Wide Open Calendar Girls and Playboy model Debbi Davids.

Roades will give another free pair away at a February show in St. Louis. He plans to notify the winners by calling their phone number immediately after the drawing and broadcasting the conversation over the PA system. Roades also plans to use before-and-after pics in an upcoming issue of the magazine. The headline is already set: Breast two shows in the Midwest.

“If you got 12,000 people at a show, and 3,000 of them are women that register, that’s good odds. You can’t get them odds at a boat.”

You can buy tickets to the show on the magazine's site or, appropriately, at Hooters.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Facts about U2’s mononymous front-man, Bono:

-- Bono is the founder and celebrity hood ornament of the (PRODUCT)^RED campaign to expand opportunities in poverty-ravaged African countries and to combat the spread of diseases such as malaria and AIDS.

-- Bono is only four inches tall.

-- Bono was hatched from a pheasant egg and washes his tiny face in a sink made from a nutshell.

The (PRODUCT)^RED campaign fights poverty in Africa by harnessing the greatest strength of the Western world, which is shopping for useless shit. So far, the project has consisted of the distribution of red-colored luxury products like iPods and Armani wristwatches.

Now, the campaign is finding expression in the medium of Hallmark greeting cards. So, (Happy Secretary’s Day)^RED, impoverished people of the earth. As (PRODUCT)^RED moves beyond its former glam mandate into the realm of things your mom might buy – we’re thinking Hallmark Cards, Hummel figurines and Osh Kosh B’Gosh jeans with elastic waistbands – Bono came to Kansas City very quietly last week to congratulate Kansas City’s favorite rich-spoiled-brat-held company on its new enterprise in the manufacture of philanthropic birth announcements.

We’re not 100% sure what happened at the event, so we’re just going to go ahead and claim that Bono danced like this:

As a service to area shoppers, The Pitch offers the following reviews of (PRODUCT)^RED consumer goods:

Hallmark Greeting Card. One of the (HALLMARK)^RED cards. Outside, it says, “Wishing You a Day.” Inside, seemingly as a kind of afterthought, it says, “Made for Dreaming.” According to the (HALLMARK)^RED Web site, it electronically bleeps “Over the Rainbow” when you open it. Wish your favorite couple congratulations on the occasion of their gay marriage while simultaneously alleviating famine and disease a world away.

(iPOD)^RED

Playlist includes Red Sovine, Simply Red, and the Red Elvises. HAHAHAHA! As a service to the color-blind, all three tracks plus the (iPOD)^RED conform to the accessibility regulations stipulated by the Americans with Disabilities Act.

(HEALTHY WHITE BABY)^RED

Weighs 12 pounds, portable, easily stowed in vehicle while shopping or dining in restaurants. Responds to shaking with reduction in excitability. NOTE: Do not shake. All babies delivered with certificate of authenticity and individually numbered by the Social Security Administration.

(ARMANI)^RED Inspi(red) Wristwatches

Stylish and impeccably designed, they make pulling out your cellphone to check the time obsolete – just look at your wrist, which is the bendy section between your arm and the hand you’re using to draw a heart over the “i” in your signature inside this Hallmark card:

Outside, it says, “You’re Always a Bright Spot in My Day.” Inside, as a reminder to the character played by Guy Pearce in Memento of what he just read two seconds ago, it says, “Always.”

While we here at The Pitch have been Photoshopping "Free Mustache Rides" shirts on everyone and their mother to commemorate the end of Kansas AG Paul Morrison's career, the folks at the Wichita Eagle are a bit more mature. They made a holiday-themed music video.

By CRYSTAL K. WIEBE

Tonya Harding warms up to customers at Grinders.

Bad girl figure skater-turned-boxer Tonya Harding came to town last Friday to sign autographs at a mixed martial arts fighting event. Before she headed to the National Guard Armory in Kansas City, Kansas, she agreed to have a beer with me at Grinders. She showed up wearing a shirt emblazoned with the word “Redneck.” Here are some highlights from our conversation.

I heard you partied down in Kansas City last night.
We just went to a friend’s restaurant and bar and had dinner and then had a few drinks and I signed a few autographs for some people.

Did people recognize you?
Yeah, yeah. And the owner announced that I was there and that I had pictures and if they wanted one they could come get it.

Do you remember what the restaurant was called?
I don’t remember. Sorry. I was just the passenger in the car and so I just went where they took me. But I remember it was a Mexican restaurant and they had really, really good food. [Her handler revealed later that it was Dicarlo’s Mustard Seed.]

What’s your poison of choice?
I don’t like to talk about that.

But [referring to what she ordered], you like Coors, don’t you?
I like to drink beer. I mean if I say one kind, another kind, whatever. You don’t say names of what you like. You just say I like beer.

That leaves you open to an endorsement deal, right?
Well, you never know.

How do most people react when they recognize you? Are they cool?
People are really cool. They want to come up and shake my hand or at least say hi. A lot of people want to get my autograph. I mean, it’s really cool. Without the support of the people, where would I be? You never know.

[At this point, the waitress brings the beer. Tonya says she doesn’t need a glass.]

What have you been doing today?
Just watching TV, watching the weather reports. Because I leave first thing in the morning. But I love snow. I absolutely love snow, so I’m looking forward to it coming in tonight.

Do you get hit on a lot?
Hit on?

Yeah. Do you get guys coming on to you?
Oh, uh uh. I mean, not that I know of anyway. I mean, I don’t know, I don’t pay attention to that. Most people just want my autograph or come and say hey while I’m watching the news or something.

In your career, you’ve continued to get out and be in the spotlight. I’m not sure if everyone would have necessarily kept doing that.
Well, you know, I don’t necessarily go out to get in the spotlight or anything like that. People tend to put me in the spotlight a lot of times. I really like my privacy and my private life, but I guess I do put myself out there for like doing these events and everything… Like when I go to the boxing matches, I can learn from what I watch. And doing the exhibition boxing; that helps pay the bills. Not a lot, but it helps pay a little bit of them.

[As Tonya talks about why she got into boxing, the guy in the photo at right comes up to the table and asks her to sign a T-shirt. “Sure,” she says. “See what I mean?”]

What are you working toward now?
Just trying to succeed in anything that I do and be successful. For all of the naysayers or negative people out there, the best revenge is success. So, I look toward success every day. Even if I haven’t accomplished total success, I feel successful myself. I feel good about me. And I do look forward to every single day.

A lot of the people at the office wanted me to bring you back for our Friday happy hour.
[Laughs.] Well, if I didn’t have anything else to do, I would.

Is this the kind of place that you’d hang out in back home?
Um, not in this kind of neighborhood. I mean I don’t really go out and hang out too much or anything. I might go out to the bowling alley and see my girlfriends that work there and maybe bowl or something. Go to the local pub down the road or something maybe once every few months or something to say hello or maybe listen to music. Other than that, I’m a home girl. I like sitting out in the front yard by the fire pit having a fire. If it’s raining, you put a tarp up. If it’s not, you’re out there sitting by the fire and listening to the radio and drinking beer, you know, and having friends over. That’s the type of person I am.

What’s the proper way to take a punch?
I really don’t know how to say anything like that. I’m a professional boxer, I’m not a fighter. My hands are lethal weapons. If somebody touches me, I can’t touch them back. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I was tooling around on your Web site…
Which one?

It's TonyaHarding.com.
Not mine.

The one with the fantasy stuff?
The only thing, I don’t actually have a Web site … TonyaHarding.com is not mine. I’ve tried to have it shut down for many, many years. So, please, please, people go to that, what is it – what is it that one? It’s not Yahoo. [Her handler says “YouTube.”] YouToo. Go to YouToo and just type in Tonya Harding. It shows me actually skating.

By NADIA PFLAUM

According to Barack Obama campaign volunteers, his is the first presidential candidate with a headquarters on the ground in both Kansas (Lawrence) and Missouri (in KC).

I stopped by the Kansas City office at 3911 Main during an open house on Wednesday night to survey the scene.

Tom Kessler, a 28-year-old Cerner employee, was kind enough to answer my questions as three other volunteers answered phones and typed on keyboards in an office decorated with handmade signs and U.S. maps.

TK: You know, I'm a recovering Republican. I actually voted for Bush, I'm embarrassed to say that now.

Pitch: What made you feel embarrassed to say that?

TK: I started feeling uneasy around the Axis of Evil time. It's been getting worse and worse over time … The whole, "let's double-down on Iran sentiment" that was coming out of the White House kind of spooked me because it was such a tremendously bad idea on every possible level … I feel Obama's the only one with the courage to take on the really tough issue of what are we going to do about countries who have nuclear aspirations. We need to actually start a dialogue with those countries and find the underlying interests that need to be met in order for those countries to have a peaceful nuclear program....

Pitch: Wasn't Hillary kind of aghast at that answer?

TK: Oh, that was considered a gaffe at the time. I think Obama lost a lot of support at the time because of the way the media covered it. It wasn't considered presidential to say you'd actually dialogue with those countries. I think it's kind of turned around. People are starting to realize that the hard line with Iran was kind of trumped-up … Obama's taken a lot of unpopular positions but history's borne them out very well because he's willing to take a stand that isn't necessarily the right answer from a political perspective but is the right answer from a historical perspective. I am still basically a conservative guy, we disagree on a lot of issues and I'm not going to change every stance to match Obama's, but the difference between him and the other candidates is I feel he's coming at them from a reasoned standpoint, and when we disagree we disagree on reasoned ground, not political ground...

Pitch: Do you know whose headquarters this used to be? It was [mayoral candidate] Stan Glazer's headquarters.

TK: Oh wow. No wonder. That would explain why it was so dirty.

Pitch: Was it really? Dirty in what way?

TK: Stopped up water fountain, it did not look well-maintained. Roaches that we've killed and then killed again and now I think we're finally done with that. The roach situation is now under control. It took a little effort. It's definitely on it's way to being something and you won't recognize it a month from now.

Pitch: Have you been reading a lot of media about Obama?

TK: Oh yeah. I’m a wonk. I'm all over it.

Pitch: There was something in the back page of Details, the one with Johnathan Rhys-Meyers on the front, and the back page was in support of a hot first lady. It said Michelle Obama is "smokin'."

TK: She's an attractive woman.

Pitch: Didn't she say that his breath stinks in the morning or something unflattering?

TK: Yes, that she did say. I think what she was getting at was that, nobody who's involved thinks he's a messiah. He's a man. We know he's a man. He's just a very smart man, a very reasonable man, a man who's coming at these problems from a different perspective than the other candidates in the race. I think it was to discourage people for voting for him on an impression that would not bear out.… He's not magic, he's just a man, but he's a man who's willing to put together a really good team around him and get things done.

Pitch: Have a lot of random people popped in here?

TK: Oh yeah. We have people who come in off the street when they see "Obama" and say, hey, can we get involved? … Once Obama's won Iowa, which I expect him to do, then all the sudden we're going to have all these people with suits come in out of the woodwork from the Kansas City area who previously were, say, Clinton supporters, who realize Obama's viable, and we welcome those people. At the same time it's kind of fun to be here on the ground level before all of that comes together.

Pitch: Do you think Oprah had a lot of sway?

TK: A lot of juice? Yeah, I think if anything that's been underestimated because she's so respected. She went to two stops in Iowa, one stop in South Carolina, one stop in New Hampshire. At the Iowa stops she saw a combined almost 30,000 people, and in SC she saw 30,000 people, and in New Hampshire she saw somewhere between 6,000 and ten thousand people depending on whose estimates you listen to. All those people showed up and listened to what she had to say and listened to Obama speak.

Pitch: Were you all spooked when the gunman went into Hillary’s headquarters?

TK: I didn't think that much of it. Frankly, I thought, man, free publicity for Hillary in New Hampshire. Not good. It didn't spook me, I'm not worried about it. If it happens, it happens. A gunman might come into Safeway. And it's got "safe" right in the name.

Look who's grabbing on!

Buy yours here.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

I have nothing to contribute to the body of writing about Tonya Harding. It’s like an assignment to write three pages about Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery for English class: There’s absolutely nothing original to say about either one of them. Shirley Jackson is dead. But the last page is yet to be written in the chronicles of Tonya Harding — just not by me! If this were Timothy Finn’s Back to Rockville dot-typepad-dot-com, I’d just refer you to Wikipedia’s entries on both Tonya Harding and Shirley Jackson. Unlike Back to Rockville, I would subsequently vandalize both entries with varying degrees of right-wing polemics in accordance with my tightly held political convictions.

Tonight, Harding’s appearing at Season’s Beatings, a series of boxing cage matches held at the National Guard Armory at 100 South 20th Street. When I think of that tough little fireplug coming at me with her fists raised, I flinch reflexively.

I’ve heard a rumor that Crown Center turned down the opportunity to have Harding appear and skate at the Crown Center Ice Terrace, highlighting the total lack of any sense of humor among members of the Hall family. If it were my call, I’d have said, “Yes, of course,” followed by, “Does she have her own telescoping police baton, or should we provide one?”

It’s extremely important to note that admission — $18 to $40 — includes beer. As always, The Pitch reminds you that the police cannot legally force you to exhale into a Breathalyzer.

Saturday night, the Ohio Bobcats play KU at the Sprint Center. I am neither a KU graduate nor a Sprint Center-obsessed writer for a major local news daily, so I plan to choose from one of the literally tens of good music events among the literally hundreds of music events happening in the area, which include:

Abracadabras with the Cold War Direction at The Brick (1727 McGee, 816-421-1634).

Esoteric with Riddle of Steel at The Bottleneck (737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-841-5483).

Sons of Great Dane, Rocket to Saturn, the Afterparty and Love Tusk at Davey's Uptown Ramblers Club (3402 Main, 816-753-1909).

I am irresistibly forced to point out that Sunday, smart shoppers can acquire a totally free prostate screening at Arrowhead Stadium from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. This event fulfills my own lifelong ambition to have my prostate examined on the 50-yard line of an NFL team’s stadium, surrounded by both current players and hall of famers. Admittedly, my first choice was Giants Stadium. But still, imagine celebrating the good news that “everything seems normal up there” with a football-spike and victory dance in the end zone. HA HA, "end zone." I don’t really have a plan in the event of terrifying news, but I figure that if my PSAs are elevated, I’ll still be numb from all the pre-exam tailgating in the parking lot. HA HA, "tailgating." The NFL and the AMA remind men over the age of 50 to get their butts looked at once a year or something.

Look who's grabbing on!

Buy yours here.

Look who's grabbing on!

Buy yours here.

By CAROLYN SZCZEPANSKI

There’s a lot of buzz going on at the Uptown Theater this week — but it’s not the kind that owner Larry Sells looks forward to.

Sells has been deluged with faxes and e-mails begging him to cancel an upcoming event by the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps. In September, Kansas City Parks Board member Frances Semler got a standing ovation at the Uptown when conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham recognized the Northland grandma’s dedication to the Minutemen. Semler, appointed to the parks board in June by Mayor Mark Funkhouser, had been the center of local controversy because of her membership in the anti-illegal-immigration group that patrols the border and pickets worksites to deter undocumented migrants.

To show support for their Minutewoman and to “educate” the city about their activities, the Minutemen decided to hold a “regional leadership retreat” in Kansas City next year, featuring a public “get to know the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps” presentation and a private, daylong session for the group’s state and chapter leaders. For the open house on February 2, they booked the Uptown.

Larry Sells

“Starting today and lasting all week, we're calling on everyone to call, fax, and e-mail the Uptown; to literally drown them in condemnation and demands to cancel the meeting at their theater,” the e-mail urges. “These actions literally will take ten minutes out of your day, but when combined with dozens and dozens of people taking the same action, we feel that these actions may ultimately force the Uptown to cancel the first day of the Minutemen's conference.”

The group heading the effort — Hate Free KC — doesn’t have a clear organizer, but plenty of people have joined the campaign. In the past three days, Sells says he has gotten at least 40 e-mails and dozens of phone calls telling him to call off the Minuteman engagement. The theater owner says the Uptown has always been a venue that welcomes speakers of all political persuasions, though, and he’s used to indignant phone calls.

“We have a contract with the Minutemen, and we honor our contracts,” Sells tells The Pitch. “I’m not a member of the Minutemen; nobody on the Uptown staff is. To say we support the Minutemen is not even close to being correct. But you’re either for free speech all the time — not just when it’s convenient — or you’re not for free speech.”

As far as the free speech that’s been coming across his phone lines, though, Sells isn’t impressed.

“It’s extremist, attack-dog tactics,” he says. “At some point it’s going to be interfering with our business and we’ll have a cause of action against them.”

Maybe the satirical holiday cards — from activists’ posing as Aryan Nation members, thanking Sells for supporting the White Racial Cause — will lighten the Uptown owner’s spirits. But those won’t arrive until later in the week.