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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Facts about U2’s mononymous front-man, Bono:

-- Bono is the founder and celebrity hood ornament of the (PRODUCT)^RED campaign to expand opportunities in poverty-ravaged African countries and to combat the spread of diseases such as malaria and AIDS.

-- Bono is only four inches tall.

-- Bono was hatched from a pheasant egg and washes his tiny face in a sink made from a nutshell.

The (PRODUCT)^RED campaign fights poverty in Africa by harnessing the greatest strength of the Western world, which is shopping for useless shit. So far, the project has consisted of the distribution of red-colored luxury products like iPods and Armani wristwatches.

Now, the campaign is finding expression in the medium of Hallmark greeting cards. So, (Happy Secretary’s Day)^RED, impoverished people of the earth. As (PRODUCT)^RED moves beyond its former glam mandate into the realm of things your mom might buy – we’re thinking Hallmark Cards, Hummel figurines and Osh Kosh B’Gosh jeans with elastic waistbands – Bono came to Kansas City very quietly last week to congratulate Kansas City’s favorite rich-spoiled-brat-held company on its new enterprise in the manufacture of philanthropic birth announcements.

We’re not 100% sure what happened at the event, so we’re just going to go ahead and claim that Bono danced like this:

As a service to area shoppers, The Pitch offers the following reviews of (PRODUCT)^RED consumer goods:

Hallmark Greeting Card. One of the (HALLMARK)^RED cards. Outside, it says, “Wishing You a Day.” Inside, seemingly as a kind of afterthought, it says, “Made for Dreaming.” According to the (HALLMARK)^RED Web site, it electronically bleeps “Over the Rainbow” when you open it. Wish your favorite couple congratulations on the occasion of their gay marriage while simultaneously alleviating famine and disease a world away.

(iPOD)^RED

Playlist includes Red Sovine, Simply Red, and the Red Elvises. HAHAHAHA! As a service to the color-blind, all three tracks plus the (iPOD)^RED conform to the accessibility regulations stipulated by the Americans with Disabilities Act.

(HEALTHY WHITE BABY)^RED

Weighs 12 pounds, portable, easily stowed in vehicle while shopping or dining in restaurants. Responds to shaking with reduction in excitability. NOTE: Do not shake. All babies delivered with certificate of authenticity and individually numbered by the Social Security Administration.

(ARMANI)^RED Inspi(red) Wristwatches

Stylish and impeccably designed, they make pulling out your cellphone to check the time obsolete – just look at your wrist, which is the bendy section between your arm and the hand you’re using to draw a heart over the “i” in your signature inside this Hallmark card:

Outside, it says, “You’re Always a Bright Spot in My Day.” Inside, as a reminder to the character played by Guy Pearce in Memento of what he just read two seconds ago, it says, “Always.”