Blogs

By JEN CHEN

I’ve been to Tommy Farha’s Café & Bar only twice — both times in the context of Wornall bar tours — but I liked the bar’s laid-back diveishness. Located at 80th and Wornall, the cozy place draws a steady crowd of neighborhood regulars and serves up beer for cheap.

I never met the eponymous co-owner Tommy Farha, but I heard that he was quite a character — especially considering he named his dog after himself. The Lhasa apso Tommy Farha was described to me as the “most spoiled dog in Kansas City.” At one point, he even installed an electric fence at the door because the dog kept escaping out of the bar. Sadly, after this Night Ranger column came out about the place, I heard the health department descended and banned Tommy the dog from hanging out at the bar.

So, when I read this obituary in the Star that Tommy Farha (the human) had died, I was bummed that I never got to meet him or his dog. The visitation and funeral services will be held at 5 p.m. Friday. Farha’s friends will gather at the bar before and after the services.

As for Tommy Farha the dog, he was adopted by a couple about a year ago. “He’s got a good home with a big yard,” said Cat, one of the bartenders who also helps run the place. At least one thing hasn’t changed: “He’s very spoiled.”

For more information about the gathering, call 816-444-0990.

By CHRIS PACKHAM
• The Snowpocalypse is coming! Also, it has been downgraded from Snowpocalypse to Snownoyance. Yesterday, I heard 4 to 8 inches. Now they're saying 1 to 4 inches. At this rate, it's going to take 85.5 years to submerge the Statue of Liberty. Please note that I am a red-blooded patriotic veteran and that I don't want the Statue of Liberty submerged in snow, beheaded, worshiped by future apes or closed for cleaning and maintenance.

• Phill Kline scoffs and struts around your uterus in a proprietary manner with his chest puffed out: A Johnson County grand jury has subpoenaed the medical records of 16 women who had abortions in 2003 at Planned Parenthood in Overland Park. The subpoena seeks identifying information already denied to District Attorney Phill Kline's office by the the googly-eyed Contra 4 boss monster of high courts, the Supreme Court. Checkmate, ladies.

Meanwhile, Kline's fight against abortion made the Los Angeles Times this morning.

• There's a forgettable Keanu Reeves film called Johnny Mnemonic, in which Henry Rollins portrays a black-market doctor who drives around in a van powered by natural gas, which fills a huge airtight bag on the van's roof. Despite the fact that Henry Rollins could wrap his arm around my skull and then crush it by flexing his biceps, I have to say that he's a pretty bad actor. And you know what? He was still better than Keanu Reeves. He also acted circles around Ice-T, obvs.

Anyway. There's a bill moving through the Kansas statehouse that would increase emission standards for two new coal-fired power plants in southwest Kansas. It also calls for the state's fleet vehicles to be powered by natural gas. JUST LIKE HENRY ROLLINS' FUTURE-VAN! And to put the nanomechanical icing on the gene-spliced future-cake, I totally learned about this initiative in CYBERSPACE, as seen in Johnny Mnemonic:

(Pictured: Cyberspace)

• Secretary of State Robin Carnahan will not run for governor, but she will block Matt Blunt's gubernatorial health plan, pending a review.

• Just wanted to point out that there's another embattled mayor facing a recall election. Arlington, Oregon, Mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist — whose last name sounds like the title of a series of barbarian novels with cover illustrations painted by Boris Vallejo — has been targeted by outraged constituents over pictures on her MySpace page that depict the Mayor in a variety of sexxxy poses. Click here for the sexxxy! My cursory Google image search only yielded the blurry Mayoral picture available at the link, so we've provided a Boris Vallejo painting at right.

• The Humane Society of the United States released footage taken by an undercover investigator at a California plant revealing cows too sick or lame to walk even when electrically prodded and a variety of abuses in violation of state and federal laws. The horrifying punchline is that the plant apparently provides meat to U.S. schools. Also: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!! Also: TO SERVE MAN IS A COOKBOOK!!!

There's a graphic video at the link. Be warned, because as I recall from the trailer for the overwrought Nicholas Cage film 8MM, "There are some things you can't unsee." But you have to scroll down to the bottom of the page, and the cow video won't start playing without your permission.

Back when I worked on the killing floor at a plant in central Iowa, the old-timers used to make fun of the guy who used the pneumatic cattle gun because in the '70s, they'd just let the cows die of malignant catarrhal fever and then slaughter them. And that was where meat came from. And I think I heard that they rendered those very cows into the chicken fried steak fed to orphans. So I have to ask: When did our immune systems lose their sacks? It's like we're all a bunch of wilting flowers whose leukocytes can't handle a few prions.

• Yesterday, I suggested that Conklin Fangman of Conklin Fangman Motors had the coolest name in Kansas City. In comments, someone called Heatherkay pointed out that The Pitch already declared Kansas City architect and transit activist E. Crichton "Kite" Singleton as having the coolest name. But now maybe we need to construct a list of cool Kansas City names. Please submit your nomination in comments, or send me an email.

By CRYSTAL K. WIEBE

In The Pitch’s recent Cheapskate Edition, we touted the joys of bingo and cheap PBR on Tuesday nights at the Brick. Sadly, though the weekly Game Night will continue with free Wii bowling, bingo will be part of the activities only once a month — on the last Tuesday, for Customer Appreciation Night. That means a lot fewer opportunities to hear hot host Alicia Solombrino whisper “Oooooo-sixxxxxxxxty-niiiiiiiiiiine” into the mic.

She said it a lot the other night. Unfortunately, O-69 appeared on none of my four bingo cards. I didn’t get a bingo all night. But, really, when you’re swigging from a bottomless cup of PBR (all-you-can-drink for $5 between 6 and 10 p.m.) and chowing remarkably tasty 75-cent tacos, not winning a box of 100 gumballs doesn’t really faze you.

My friend Sarah won the best prize all night, but too late. We could have used the toy set of “FBI agent” accessories before bingo started, when the Brick was still a virtual bowling alley, thanks to the powers of Wii. The video game portion of Game Night used to be Guitar Hero, but a couple of weeks ago it got changed to Wii bowling. We heard all about that multiple times from some drunk dude in a stocking cap and a Reggie and the Full Effect hoodie who said he and his friends were responsible for bringing in Wii and extending the PBR special for two more hours. I won’t argue with additional beertime. And I’m glad that the Wii freaks now have a place to wear their homemade Wii league shirts.

But I do wish Sarah would have had that nightstick when the duder started petting our friend Marc’s shoes and cooing about how the leather must be Italian. Weird.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

• A group of five Kansas City residents filed an affidavit with the City Clerk, seeking a recall of Mayor Mark Funkhouser. The petitioners were listed as Saundra Ross, Joycetta Silvers, Moniece Lovelace, Dwight Ross and JoAnn Mitchell. Now these five people have a new hobby: Collecting 16,950 signatures, equal to 20 percent of the voters in the election last March, in order to force a recall election. That breaks out to about 3,390 signatures per Recall Funkhouser Ladies Club member.

Except, WHOOPS: Your recall affidavit is invalid: The group is going to have to refile. Only two of the five petitioners are registered to vote at the addresses listed with the affidavit.

According to a group of five Kansas City residents, Mayor Mark Funkhouser should be recalled because:

• He caused a "breach of public trust" by seeking to fire City Manager Wayne Cauthen

• He hasn't yet accounted for a missing $80,000 in campaign funds

• He has put the interests of his wife "above the interest of the electorate."

• The Eight Wonders of Kansas turn out to be grade school field-trip destinations. But in case you weren't aware, the Eisenhower Presidential Library and Museum in Abilene can actually be SEEN FROM SPACE! And it took an army of Egyptian laborers over 45 years to painstakingly quarry and transport the 2.5-ton blocks used to construct the Kansas Cosmosphere.

• Independence resident Sarah Everson faked the birth of sextuplets in order to con her neighbors into giving her cash and gifts; she's now been sentenced to four years in prison for violating her probation. But the whole upshot is that now I'm terrified because, like Everson, my dependents are imaginary. But only partly imaginary: I started claiming my fantasy football team as dependents on my taxes in 2006. Li'l quarterback Rich Gannon of the Kansas City Chris Packham Thunder Eagles just hit a growth spurt, and I'm not going to be able to buy him new shoulder pads or HGH injections without a fat rebate from the IRS.

• John Martin, Kansas City's new school superintendent, has taken office.

• Barack Obama came to the area last night. The difference between people who turn out in bitterly cold weather for Hillary Clinton and people who turn out in bitterly cold weather for Barack Obama is that when the Hillary supporters do it, it's with the superior sense of dispatching a civic responsibility, and when the Obama supporters do it, they barely notice the weather. The 1,900 people who packed into the gym at Butler Community College constitute an impressive turnout, but the 400 people in overflow areas? In other buildings? That's in the ball park of getting up at four in the morning because you heard Gamestop was getting some Nintendo Wiis.

• Overland Park police are going to be watching for children not tightly secured in cars. I recommend a combination of bungee cords and a trucker's tie-down with nylon straps.

• I think it's clear that the current holder of best name in Kansas City: Conklin Fangman, owner of Conklin Fangman Motors. It is impossible for me to drive past Conklin Fangman Motors on Main without intoning the name "CONKLIN FANGMAN" in a stentorian, broadcast-quality basso profundo. The link goes to a stupid press release, but I'm including it because it reminded me of Conklin Fangman.

By ERIC BARTON

When Barack Obama asked the crowd yesterday in Kansas City whether there were any Cardinals fans in the audience, it first seemed like he had pulled one of those classic rock concert screw-ups by mixing up what town he was in.

But with his quick recovery, it was clear that the presidential hopeful was just giving the Royals shit. And let's be honest, David Glass' Royals deserve it.

By ERIC BARTON

The five folks who put their names on a petition filed yesterday to recall Mayor Mark Funkhouser must've thought they were doing some kind of civic duty. Too bad for them, however, that they don't do their civic duty more often.

Turns out three out of five of the people on the petition aren't registered to vote, according to the Kansas City Board of Elections. Under the city's charter, only registered voters can file a recall petition, meaning the six-page paperwork they filed yesterday will have to be thrown out.

Saundra Ross, the person who signed the petition, tells The Pitch she wasn't aware that three of her five-person committee weren't registered. But she says she's not giving up. "If they're not registered, I guess this means I will need to refile."

By DAVID MARTIN

Guys who talk about sports for a living can get into trouble when they veer into politics.

On a recent installment of Between the Lines on 810 WHB, host Kevin Kietzman drew a flummoxed difference between politicians and sports figures. Kietzman talked about how strange it was that coaches acted like gentlemen next to dirt-slinging candidates for public office.

Kietzman’s right to suggest that KU basketball coach Bill Self talks less trash than Bill Clinton. But the reasons should be obvious: Politics is a hearts-and-mind game, fought between people whose policy ideas may be indistinguishable. Sports rivalries, by contrast, determine winners and losers on fields and courts of battle, where opinion means nothing. (The exception, of course, is boxing, whose combatants freely trade literal and figurative jabs.)

Kietzman shared his thoughts with play-by-play man Kevin Harlan, who came up with a gaffe of his own. Citing a book about Abraham Lincoln he recently read, Harlan said that rough-and-tumble politics were hardly new. Harlan then said that Lincoln had jousted with “Frederick Douglass,” confusing the abolitionist with debate partner Stephen Douglas.

By ERIC BARTON

This petition, filed today with the City Clerk's Office, seeks to recall Mayor Mark Funkhouser and install former Mayor Pro-Tem Alvin Brooks.

The petition says Funkhouser should be recalled for five reasons, including the claim that he has cost the city millions by losing conventions, caused a "breach of public trust" by seeking to fire City Manager Wayne Cauthen, lost $80,000 in campaign funds and has put his interests and the interests of his wife "above the interest of the electorate."

It was filed by five people relatively unknown in political circles: Saundra Ross, Joycetta Silvers, Moniece Lovelace, Dwight Ross and JoAnn Mitchell. Kendrick Blackwood, a spokesman for the mayor, said nobody in Funkhouser's office recognized the names. Calls to the petitioners' homes by The Pitch today were not immediately returned.

Ross added her signature to the petition. She works for the Department of Health and Senior Services. The department's Web site calls Ross a "lead risk assessor." She didn't return a phone call left at her office, and a co-worker said she had left for the day.

By C.J. JANOVY

Oh, Kathleen. As such a widely considered “rising star” in the Democratic Party, couldn’t you have given a more exciting response to George Bush’s State of the Union address?

You had such a great dig, there at the beginning, for media hacks like me who were watching you oh-so-closely:

“Right now, tonight, as political pundits discuss the President's speech, chances are, they'll obsess over the reactions of members of Congress. ‘How many times was the President interrupted by applause? Did Republicans stand? Did Democrats sit?’ And the rest of us will roll our eyes and think, ‘What in the world does any of that have to do with me?’"

Sure, that was a great line separating you from the Washington establishment and its foamy press core, but did you have to deliver it like you had a corncob stuck somewhere? Talk about stiff!

You know what? I watched your speech with a dozen people at a coffee shop in Quindaro, in the poorest neighborhood of Kansas City, Kansas. The man sitting next to me made note of how many times the president was interrupted by applause and how many times the Republicans stood and the Democrats stood. He wondered how you’d teach a civics class these days and explain to school kids how a president could be giving the most important speech of the year and half the room would snub him. What in the world does any of that have to do with him, you ask? He was disgusted by all the lies that had spewed out of George W. Bush’s mouth (rising test scores thanks to No Child Left Behind? “He ain’t been to Missouri,” my fellow SOTU watcher snorted).

And that thing you said, Gov. Sebelius, about Greensburg rebuilding green after a tornado wiped it out?

You talked up your environmental record, saying, “Greensburg is not alone. You and I stand ready to protect our environment for future generations and stay economically competitive. Mayors have committed their cities to going green; governors have joined together, leading efforts for energy security and independence; and the majority in Congress is ready to tackle the challenge of reducing global warming and creating a new energy future for America. So we ask you, Mr. President, will you join us? It's time to get to work.”

You weren’t exactly leading environmental efforts back when The Pitch published this story about those coal plants in western Kansas, governor. We’re glad your administration at least came around to the 21st century on that one.

Anyway, guv, you may be the most stylish and attractive governor in the country right now, but you gave the most boring speech ever. At least pull that cob out, will you?

By CHRIS PACKHAM

• People of a certain demographic say that the age of civility is over. Specifically, the demographic that enjoys A Prairie Home Companion, going down to the drug store for a chocolate phosphate and "liking Ike" — the elderly, is what I'm saying. Kathleen Sebelius demonstrated old-fashioned civility in last night's Democratic response to the President's State of the Union address by politely and graciously overlooking the fact that George W. Bush is just running down the clock. Totally checked out last summer. Sebelius said, "There is a chance, Mr. President, in the next 357 days, to get real results and give the American people renewed optimism that their challenges are the top priority." Adorable. And polite!

• Oh, yeah: Embarrassing douchebag upstages mom with prison rape-themed board game. I guess those Garrison Keillor fans down at the Don Bosco Center are right about all the civility.

• KU's Costco bulk-quantity coach Mark Mangino was hospitalized yesterday for "tests." The school's associate athletic director, Jim Marchiony, told The AP that he did not think the situation was a medical emergency, though to my untrained nonmedical eye, Mark Mangino kind of is a medical emergency. And a really good coach, obvs., totally goes without saying. But if Mangino isn't admitted to intensive care as a regular part of his annual physical checkup, his doctor is guilt of medical malpractice.

• Barack Obama is coming to Kansas City tonight after picking up Sebelius' endorsement today.

• Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton sews up the coveted boring diabetic-blues-guitarist endorsement.

• You thought it was going to be the Kansas City Board of Public Utilities. Thanks to Frances Semler, the parks board is all of a sudden the new battleground for the immigration debate.

Now that the parks board lacks representation by white gun-carrying border-patrol interest groups, you might think that Kansas City civil rights leaders would turn their attention elsewhere, but just like the time you thought there was absolutely no way that nice Mr. Carlson from WKRP in Cincinnati could possibly be molesting Arnold's pal Dudley, it turns out you were totally wrong. Look, take the fight wherever you find it — back in the '60s, they fought The Man in the street, because that's where he was doing all his oppressing. I wasn't aware that The Man was now crushing Kansas City parks under the heel of his Shiny Wing Tips of Injustice, but that's why I read the newspaper.

• The Kansas City Star has discovered that Guitar Hero, a button-pressing game, isn't a total-immersion flight simulator for budding guitarists. At first, I thought the FYI section was revisiting the disconnect between video games and reality that we dealt with during the whole Sonic the Hedgehog craze, when parents were worried that their kids might start rolling up into blue balls and zooming through roller-coaster loops for golden rings. As it turns out, FYI is helping spread the word that Guitar Hero and playing the guitar are two different things. Also: You might have heard recently that a giant monster destroyed Manhattan, which is a totally not-true thing made up by persons in Hollywood.

Someday, FYI section of The Kansas City Star, we will have a farm. And on that farm, there will be rabbits. Until then, this kid's hands and eyes are still better coordinated than Wolfgang Van Halen's:

By CAROLYN SZCZEPANSKI

Gonzalez: Sailing toward veganism.

After TV announcers boasted this season that Chiefs' player Jared Allen had gone vegetarian, I took a trip to Arrowhead Stadium to chat with the hulking defensive end and see if his new diet was the reason for his standout season. It turned out that sportscasters' claims that Allen had given up meat were greatly exaggerated. But the 2007 NFL sack leader was happy to boast about his new, lean diet — and the washboard abs he had to show for it.

When it comes to healthy eating, though, nobody on the Chiefs roster rivals tight-end Tony Gonzalez. Allen said he avoided the teasing of his teammates because Gonzalez takes the hardest knocks for his less-traditional eating habits. Gonzalez, a Pro Bowl vet, has gone so far as to eat vegan — giving up all animal products, including dairy, eggs and honey.

Last week, Gonzalez's dietary adventures made the pages of The Wall Street Journal. Like Allen, he's eating a more plant-based diet and enjoying the benefits. But don't expect him to be out picketing with PETA any time soon.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

As the cliché-prone Kansas City Star editorial board might be inclined to say after a half-hour of staring at a blank Word screen, becoming distracted by the smell of Monica Watrous' microwave popcorn, wandering off to the break room and then hastily cranking out the day's copy right before deadline, race issues sure "loom large" these days. I wound up with a handful of links to various race-related stories, and the M. Night Shyamalan surprise twist ending to this paragraph is that they're all kind of creepy!

• A University of Kansas linguist reported last year on the growing use of the word "Canadian" among white Southern racists to denote African-Americans. Apparently, it's really catching on. So far, the linguistics Listserv boards are silent about my new term for white Southern racists: "pedophiles." It's great, because you can say any filthy thing you want about pedophiles right to an Alabama Klansman's face, and he'll laugh and agree with you like a stupid-ass pedophile.

• Bill Clinton campaigned for Hillary Clinton in Independence over the weekend. In response to a question about Barack Obama's South Carolina primary win, he said, "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina twice, in '84 and '88." For Christ's sake, at least the Republicans bring a little subtlety to the operation.

I'm not saying it's time for Bill Clinton to "diminish and go into the West," like some kind of fat Galadriel — oh, wait. I totally am saying that. Bad weekend for Bubba.

• Just in case anyone in the Clinton camp tried to smuggle anything like class or dignity out of South Carolina, an unnamed Clinton strategist told the AP that "the fallout has had the effect of branding Obama as 'the black candidate,' a tag that could hurt him outside the South."

• Gawker rated American newspapers via LexisNexis hits for the N word, the waning star of racist invective, now supplanted by cheeky, disgusting upstart "Canadian." The Kansas City Star ranked 15th out of 27. Not bad!

• Via the excellent Crime Scene KC blog, apparently Missouri Rep. Brad Robinson (D-Bonne Terre) was driving the car in a hit-and-run accident. Surveillance video taken a few minutes later reportedly shows him swapping seats with his wife.

• First bank closure of 2008: Douglass National Bank in Kansas City, Missouri. The pop you just heard was an explosion of FDIC confetti showering on account holders.

• There's a caption writer at The Kansas City Star who's convinced that you can't tell which woman in this photo just won the Miss America pageant:

• Like the end of every single short story written by H.P. Lovecraft, we'll leave Monday's Daily Briefs on a note of sheer, otherworldly terror by asking: What, exactly, does the Washington Post know that we don't?

For years, President Bush and his advisers expressed frustration that the White House received little credit for the nation's strong economic performance because of public discontent about the Iraq war. Today, the president is getting little credit for improved security in Iraq, as the public increasingly focuses on a struggling U.S. economy. That is the problem Bush faces as he prepares to deliver his seventh and probably final State of the Union address tonight. (TERRIFYING EMPHASIS ADDED).

By JUSTIN KENDALL

Leavenworth prosecutors say 23-year-old Sedale Fox murdered his pregnant 20-year-old girlfriend, Olivia Jackson, Tuesday night at the Wild Woods Mobile Home Park in Lansing.

Eleven days before her death, Jackson survived a bombing at the house where she was staying in Leavenworth.

Earlier this morning, I looked up Fox’s and Jackson’s MySpace pages.

Fox’s page, titled “Only The Strong Shall Survive,” features images of slain rapper Tupac Shakur.

Fox has posted a family portrait.

He’s also uploaded pictures of him with his “homies.”

Jackson’s MySpace page cryptically reads “Only God Shall Judge Me.” The expectant mother added sparkly slogans such as “Pregnant with a Princess,” "Pregnant with my first” and “Expecting a baby girl.”

But Jackson poured her heart out in a couple of brokenhearted blog entries. In a post titled “Do I ask for too much …” on September 13, Jackson wondered if she expected too much of her baby’s daddy.

“Is it too much to ask that someone would want to commit themselves to a relationship with me, and look forward to the future together. To raise a child with me? To want to fall in love with me...,” Jackson wrote.

“I'm so mad at myself for getting myself in this situation...i feel so lost, i don't know how to not care about the guy that i'm going to have a child with. I've been so understanding, forgiving, and caring. Even if he doesn't want a relationship, i wish he would be honest about it...i have no clue what he wants, how he feels about me.

“I hold on to my one day, that i will know how it feels to be loved and cared about by the man i want to be with. They say good things come to those who are patient...i am trying to hold on...”

On Fox’s page, Jackson commented five times with flirty messages that referred to Fox as “hooker.” Jackson’s last public message to Fox was a “get well soon” greeting with the image of a teddy bear on July 19. Jackson wrote: “Thought this was cute...i almost sent you a cute lil kitten one, but you dont like cats...cuz your mean...but i do hope you start feeling better sweetie!!”

On October 17, 2006, Jackson tried to get Fox’s attention with this post: “hey hooker...why you gotta be shy...can't call...write...damn im not feeling the love anymore...haha talk to you later cutie”

A month later, on November 26, 2006, Jackson blogged her scorn and warned heartless guys: “stay the fuck away from me. i don't have time for the bullshit, the lies, the fuckin head games.”

“at least have the maturity to talk to me about it and tell me whats going on...i'm a big girl and i'm not a crazy bitch that's gonna stalk you and make your life hell...i'll leave you alone or whatever but you have to fucking tell me what is goin on in your head...not a mind reader here!!”

Jackson also posted ultrasound photos of her baby in an album on her site.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

• Justin Kendall looked at the economic impact of sports teams on their respective cities.

• Fake boobs — you can’t even give 'em away. Wide Open magazine tried, but only a handful of women entered the drawing. Our own Peter Rugg looks at this issue, along with the El Salvadoran labor crisis, the WTO’s new green initiatives and a profile of World Bank Group President Robert B. Zoellick, next on The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer.

• Justin Kendall wrote about Phags for Phelps, a group that embraces the brand of cartoony, over-the-top homophobia practiced by the Westboro Baptist Church as a useful counter to more pernicious Republican Party-sponsored forms of homophobia that have an actual legislative impact.

• Speaking of which, you just knew this was coming.

• When Jason of KRBZ 96.5 (the Buzz) suggested that somebody needed to write a science-fiction alternate history in which Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. survived his assassination attempt, Nadia Pflaum whipped out this YouTube clip of Aaron McGruder’s The Boondocks, which portrays that exact scenario. Then she did traffic on the nines and a half-hour commercial-free block of your favorite alternative hits from the '90s.

• Frances Semler stepped down, saving us the trouble of writing a lengthy blog post by composing an angry letter of resignation. We will show you it!

On the Wayward Blog

• On Monday Music Junkie, Andy Vihstadt listened to tracks by the Rosebuds, Red Dawn, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Nick Cave, Hair Plugs — and so goddamned fucking many more!!!

• Richard Gintowt reviewed Yo La Tengo’s performance at Randy Bacon's Gallery Sounds in Springfield, Missouri, home of Bass Pro Shops, birthplace of Springfield cashew chicken, and the world headquarters of the Assemblies of God church. Visit beautiful Springfield, where all the men wear ball caps and all mud flaps feature Yosemite Sam saying, “BACK OFF.” Oh, apparently the band puts on a good show.

• Ska Dad skanks and tells you to pick up your room.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Dude, Friday night check out the puppets at Puppet Wars: Attack of the Felt at Fatso's (1016 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-550-7840). It's like a powerhouse team-up of dudes from the Felt Show and the Shitty Deal Puppet Theater, stickin' their hands up there and totally makin' it talk ... HA HA! That's what ... uh ... that's what I'm, uh, talking about. The show starts at 8 p.m.

At the VooDoo Lounge at Harrah's Casino (1 Riverboat Drive, 816-472-7777), Queensrÿche is gonna rock the frickin' house, blastin' out hits like "Silent Lucidity," "Take Hold of the Flame," and "Gonna Get Close to You." It might be out of style, but it's an old-school, heavy-metal blast to the face — at least that's what SHE — uh, yeah. Anyway. So that's stuff to do on Friday.

Saturday, Armenian-Canadian soprano Isabel Bayrakdarian performs at the Folly Theater (300 West 12th Street, 816-842-5500). Not my thing, but my mom's gonna be in town and I have to take her somewhere. She likes all that classical shit. When Bayrakdarian performed The Marriage of Figaro in San Diego, The Union Tribune said, "Soprano Isabel Bayrakdarian excelled as his beloved Susanna, bringing alluring expertise to the signature role that she had never before performed in San Diego." And I figure if the show's no good, I can just roll over and go to sleep ... which is totally what SHE. .. ah — what SHE would hate. My mom. Would hate it if I did that.

My second-choice show for mom was Vonda Shepard at the Uptown Theater (3700 Broadway, 816-753-7643). It's part of the Uptown Theater's 80th Anniversary Celebration. She's that chick who sang all that music on that lawyer TV show from back when I was in middle school, Ally McBeal. And at the end of every frickin' episode, she'd play a sad song and Ally McBeal would walk home all sad and alone. My mom would cry every time. That show was huge, man! It was frickin' mammoth. It was totally ridin' up there on top — uh, oh, boy. I'm just gonna move on.

Dude, I can't do any partying on Saturday while my mom's in town, but check it out: I traded shifts on Monday, and there's plenty of rock shows on Sunday night. Catch Meatflower, the Show Is the Rainbow, and Boo and Boo Too at the Record Bar (1020 Westport Road, 816-753-5207); and Rumblejetts and the Grand Marquis at the Uptown Theater (3700 Broadway, 816-753-8665). In Lawrence, there's Kennedy Luck Club, the Noise FM and It's All About the Benjamins at the Jackpot Music Hall (943 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-832-1085). I asked Sheila if she wanted to come out with me, and she was totally like, sure, whatever you want, I'm easy. HA HA! That's what SHE said! No. I mean, verbatim. That's a direct quote. She said, "Sure, whatever you want, I'm easy." Quote, end-quote.