Blogs

By JUSTIN KENDALL

Yesterday’s Million Fag March against Topeka’s gay-hating preacher Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church didn’t draw a million protesters, but 418 people did show up at Gage Park to march against the Phelps family. In an e-mail to supporters, organizer Chris Love promises “next year will be bigger and better!”

Below, check out a video from the allgayallday Channel on YouTube. Or click here for an eight-minute director’s cut of one person’s entire day at the march.

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Free Mumia for the first 10 callers: Mumia Abu Jamal, dulcet-voiced radio commentator and convicted murderer, got his death sentence overturned on what a right-wing antihero cop from the 1970s would call a "technicality," but which new Pitch mascot the Gene Simmons Sex Tape would call a ROCKNICALITY! The Gene Simmons Sex Tape is an outspoken advocate for rocking, indifferent sexual encounters, rocking, and child gun safety.

Isn't he great? As the Noam Chomsky Endowed Professor of Descriptive Linguistics at Wellesley College, The Gene Simmons Sex Tape regularly wears a mortarboard. He'll be offering gun safety tips, witty asides, and -- if you're not careful -- he might just make you think. Anyway: Abu-Jamal's conviction stands, but since his prospects have improved -- specifically, to life in prison -- National Public Radio might consider hiring him for Morning Edition, the dry, chewy oatmeal of soporific early-morning news broadcasting.

Sometimes the phone rings at 3 a.m., and you want the person who answers it to understand dense, multi-layered postmodern narratives with extensive endnotes: Yes, I was looking at The Huffington Post. OHMYGODTHELIBERALMEDIA!!! So okay, while Daily Briefs fully endorses mandatory abortions ejected into medical refuse bags made from American flags, right now I want to focus on this headline and photo:

Yes, Hillary Clinton has been dodging her campaign trail creditors which I admit to thinking is kind of awesome. But what I want to know is whether or not the tall guy standing behind her is, in fact, Whiting Foundation genius grant recipient and novelist David Foster Wallace. It sure looks like him!

That would completely upend my campaign outlook. And now that I think about it, I kind of actually want the next President of the United States to be able to explain what, exactly, happened to tennis prodigy Hal Incandenza at the end of Infinite Jest. I'm not a one-issue voter, though; I'd also like to see a candidate endorse a "guns-for-fetuses" trade-in program whereby the government pays for the abortions of women who take guns from the cold, dead hands of NRA members. Now, that's liberal!

Stadiumless team dominates: The Kansas City Wizards defeated D.C. United 2-0 on Saturday, inspiring exactly zero incidents of car-tipping, including my own half-hearted shoving of a Ford Festiva. My inheritance of the "sports indifference" gene came as a heartbreaking disappointment to my football-watching dad, but I can barely work up a "smiling-and-nodding" degree of interest in American sports, let alone the uncircumcised European kind. Which, come to think of it, puts me in the same apathetic boat as most other Americans.

Gary Busey's thick helmetlike skull notwithstanding: Missouri motorcyclists are the worst in the country at wearing helmets.

By ERIC BARTON

Ah spring, that time of year when fountains fire up, tulips bloom along Troost and Royals fans ready themselves for three digits of losses once again. Pitch freelancer Chris Rasmussen, however, has come up with a plan on how to prevent a lifetime of pain for his daughter by bribing her, immersing her in all things 1985 and learning that rooting for the loser is a life lesson.

See the full plan here on the Bugs and Cranks blog, where Rasmussen is also a contributor.

BY DAVID MARTIN

How to succeed in business without really succeeding. Failed telecom executive-turned-university president Gary Forsee will make $84,325 a month for the rest of his life as part of the pension agreement he negotiated when he took the reins at Sprint. That's pretty sweet action for a CEO who ran a business that that shed customers and entered into a clumsy merger. Now that he's been put in charge of higher education in Missouri, perhaps Forsee will share his acumen with business students. Possible course topics include "Verizon? Should Have Called It Stupidizon," "Only Jerks Use T-Mobile" and "Yes, a Nice Full Head of Hair Does Make an Mediocrity Seem More Resourceful and Dynamic."

Murder, mayhem and Marmaduke. A judge convicted Terry Blair of killing six women dumping their bodies along the Prospect Avenue corridor. In related news, a decapitated dog was found in midtown. As anyone with a passing interest in crime drama knows, serial killers tend to use animals as practice for the later horrors they will inflict on humanity. In addition to damaged pets, residents are encouraged to be on the lookout for overfed clowns, acne-scarred men with "born to raise hell" tattoos and suicide crisis-line volunteers who bear a resemblance to Mark Harmon.

No smoke for you. In reaction to the budget cuts the Kansas City, Missouri, City Council passed yesterday, the eternal flame atop Liberty Memorial went dark. The flame, an effect created by steam and colored light, was snuffed in an effort to save money; a monument official says the flame costs $45,000 a year to operate. Retired restaurateur and former Liberty Memorial Association chairman Carl DiCapo says the extinguished flame "sends a message," the message being, "Cut our funding, and the night sky's going to look less cool." Of course, DiCapo forgets the broken promises about Liberty Memorial's self-sufficiency that have been made over the years. Liberty Memorial officials went to Kansas City voters in 2004 when they were unable to raise the donations necessary to expand the World War I Museum. Once the facility opened, they asked the city to double the annual operating subsidy. So, Carl, the message making goes both ways. And the city's message to you is that is that people tend to get ticked off when you say things and then don't deliver.

Ah, spring. The time a sports fan’s thoughts turn to bench-press repetitions, 40-yard dash times and Mel Kiper Jr.'s fabulous hair. The 2008 NFL Draft is less than a month away. ESPN cameras recently captured prized defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey running, lifting and engaging cauliflower-eared Chiefs assistant coach Tim Krumrie in close combat. The Matrix-style showdown between the former Tiger and former Bengal takes place about halfway through the clip. Hiya!

By NADIA PFLAUM

When I was in high school, video cameras were still large, heavy and required Dad's permission to borrow.

But since digital video cameras became affordable and cuter than shit, every bored, suburban teenager seems to have one. And while there are undoubtedly thousands of budding Kubricks out there making mind-blowing films, there are also thousands of kids filming each other's minds being blown.

So while experimenting with drugs, as bored, suburban teenagers are wont to do, they can film each other tweaking out. Later, when they upload it all onto YouTube, they end up outing themselves on the 'net, thereby educating us old folks about what the kids are up to these days.

Interestingly, the most creative ways of getting high aren't even illegal in most states. There's a plant called Salvia divinorum that looks like mint, but has no distinct smell. When smoked, it produces a brief-but-intense high that includes hysterical laughing and inexplicable hallucinating. Sound fun?

I thought so too, until I saw this guy.

He is SO grounded.

Salvia was deemed a Schedule 1 hallucinogen in Missouri in 2005. It's still legal in Kansas, but just today, Senate Bill 481 passed the Kansas House and is on its way to becoming law.

"Robotripping" is the other not-at-all-new, legal substance that you and the hot girl from Econ are guzzling by the bottleful on YouTube. I remember kids talking about the 'Tussin back in high school, but it never seemed that appealing to me. Maybe this next video, posted by someone from Lawrence, is why.

Some people might find these videos immensely entertaining, but these kids' moms probably don't. Just a tip, kiddos: After you're done rewinding and watching and laughing at your friends drooling and rolling around on the floor, press ERASE.

By JUSTIN KENDALL

Nobody puts baby in a corner: Johnson County District Attorney Phill Kline doesn't give a shit what those abortion-lovin' fat cats on the Johnson County Board of Commissioners think. The rebel with one cause is no showing a meeting today after the Commission demanded he defend his hiring of a special prosecutor to investigate criminal charges against former Kansas Attorney General Paul Morrison, who had an affair blah, blah, blah courthouse blah, blah blow job, blah, blah resignation. In a three-page suck-my-balls-I’m-not-coming letter to the commissioners, Kline wrote: “My appearance will simply provide more media coverage of an investigation that should be allowed to proceed without the influence of politics.” You know, Kline’s right. Why should Kline, an elected … err, appointed official, have to explain the way he’s spending taxpayer money? Why should Kline have to explain why he hired Tim Keck to be an impartial investigator even though Keck just left a job in the DA’s office, which Kline hired him for? Why should Kline have to explain why he hired a man who donated to his failed re-election campaign for AG? Against Morrison? Yeah, suck it, baby killer lovers.

Flying high again: Missouri Governor Matt Blunt apparently didn’t fly on state-owned airplanes during his first three years in office. Now that he’s a lame duck, Baby Blunt is hopping flights on taxpayers’ dime. It’s also being reported that Baby Blunt is once again peeing while standing up, something he hasn’t done since cutting health care for poor people three years ago.

Only a month? I was disappointed when I read the truth about the western Kansas woman who had reportedly sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. Turns out 35-year-old Pam Babcock only sat on the toilet for a month but hung out for two years in the bathroom. A month? That's it? This is like finding out Barry Bonds used steroids to hit all of those homeruns. Or that pro wrestling is fake. Or that there were two Ultimate Warriors. Nothing is real anymore. My faith is shaken.

A strawberry shortcake for the prosecutor? The feds accuse former Cherokee County Attorney Michael Goodrich of taking money and receiving “unspecified favors” from the owner of Sensations Gentlemen’s Club in Galena, Kansas. I love the phrase “unspecified favors.” I have no idea what the unspecified favors were, but the phrase is so much dirtier than saying blowjobs, hand jobs or a strawberry shortcake. At least, in my imagination.

Dude, we’re totally going to Blonde this weekend: Dude, I totally know this guy who makes fake IDs. He’s cool. Trust me, he’s a wizard. He also makes light sabers in his free time. He’s got this secret Web site. Here’s how to contact him.

Larry Moore up, hoes down: KMBC anchor Larry Moore knows how to sprinkle manure. I live downtown, and the closest grass is where people let their dogs crap outside my building, which actually might make for a good garden. In the spirit of Phill Kline, I don’t care what those fat cats in Quality Hill say. I’m going to plant a garden using Larry’s timeless tips for growing tomato plants, circa 1985.

To the Chris Packham fan club: After spreading goodwill as American a-hole Justin Kendall overseas, Chris Packham will return to Daily Briefs on Monday. Come back soon, Chris!

By ALAN SCHERSTUHL

Maybe it worked better on radio: Today, everyone visiting KMBZ 980's Web site -- a group made up mostly of mouthbreathers, Minutemen and anyone interested in using this century's technology to access last century's political thinking -- is confronted with this catchy headline command: “Spell 'Participate.'”

Okay. Give me a second.

P-A-R-T-I-C-I-P-A-T-E.

Not hard to do when the word's printed right there in front of me, but you know who could do it without the leg-up? Twelve year-old Morgan Brown, whose touching tale of Scripps National Spelling Bee denial and, this morning, acceptance captured the hearts, pages and on-air minutes of our media professionals. Unable to resist a story combining the white-hot topics of spelling and participation, the Star gives it both a hard-hitting Mike Hendricks column as well as an above-the-fold page-one headline, much more prominent than who-cares? bullshit like “Iraqi Forces Attack Militia.” Iraqi forces? That's your news, old man!

Walk a Mile in My Fox: For My News, I turn to myfoxkc.com, which I link to with this caveat: your myfoxkc.com will likely look entirely different than mine. Like snowflakes and fingerprints, like the prophet Ezekial's conception of God or that creepy swamp cave in The Empire Strikes Back, every individual's myfoxkc is wholly unique and entirely relative. I can't link directly to mine, but I can describe it: singing hobos, taffy light-rail, and everyone's in any goddamn spelling bee they want to be in. And this guy is mayor.

Gonna Get Us Out of Downey: Sprint is doing stuff, making plans, gonna turn this thing around any minute now, gonna chauffeur us around in the manner to which we will soon become accustomed. And the mayor's talking about not shutting down that prison, which is also something I can totally spell.

What's Red, White, and Black all over? And Remember, That's R-E-D, not R-E-A-D: Ha! A bloody newspaper! Like all of them, according to this piece in The New Yorker . Our four point plan to save print:

1. More stories about spelling bees.

2. More hard-hitting Mike Hendricks columns about spelling bees.

3. Make every newspaper My Newspaper.

4. Run this next picture every single day.

Holy Shit! That Little Girl's Back in the Spelling Bee! That's according to KMBZ's morning news program, and then the Darla Jaye show, all on My 980 AM. My favorite thing about my 980 is the way they play those old-school sound-effects in the commercials. When they advertise Darla's podcast, for example, they play this dial-up phone noise, which signals clearly to me that they're talking about the Internet. When Darla starts the show, they play Lenny Kravitz's “American Woman,” which alerts me to the facts that a) she's American, b) she's a woman, and c) that she'd better get away from Lenny Kravitz. (Actually, no-- they skip that last part, which used to be the point of the song but isn't anymore.)

Sometimes, during promos for Shanin and Parks show, KMBZ even uses the record-scratch sound effect. Like this: the announcer will make some grand claim about Shanin and Parks' significance, and then the record will scratch, and the announcer will be like, “Yeah, right!” and then everybody starts laughing. This signals to me that Shanin and Parks don't know about CDs or iPods, but they do know that their show is retarded.

Other old-school sound effects KMBZ could use:

Effect: Astro the dog saying “Ruh Roh”
Situation: A caller's implied racist bullshit suddenly becomes explicit racist bullshit.

Effect: A springy, boneriffic b-o-i-n-g
Situation: Mike Shanin mentions “the free market.”

Effect: Puckered lips making a long, slow, spit-flecked sucking noise
Situation: An on-air personality shares his or her success on Slim For Life

That's All: But we must pay brief tribute to My Chris Packham, who has for months now, made Daily Briefs the Internet's only source of humor. To us, he's the Kid Who batted 1.000.

By ERIC BARTON

Journalists spend most of their time pointing out the screw-ups of others, so you have to hand it to Joe Posnanski for pointing out his own in this recent post on his blog. He lists three self-effacing — and pretty funny — blunders early in his career. Truth is, we can all likely relate to that feeling of thinking your latest screw-up is surely going to end your career early.

By Justin Kendall

Erotic City has filed a federal lawsuit that asks a judge to overturn a Jackson County ordinance outlawing sex in the video booths of adult bookstores in Blue Summit.

Click here to read the lawsuit.

And stay tuned for a cover story in tomorrow’s Pitch on Jesse Franklin Herd III, who admitted to prostituting his stepdaughter at Erotic City, a case that led to the county’s ordinance.

By ERIC BARTON

Suck it, Wichita. If you believe everything you read on Wikipedia — and why shouldn’t you? — we get the word bombardier from Joseph-Armand Bombardier, a Quebec mechanic “who dreamt of building a vehicle that could ‘float on snow.’ In 1937, he designed and produced his first snowmobile in his small repair shop in Valcourt, Quebec.” So without Bombardier, we wouldn’t have that supercool vehicle that they use to get out to the hotel in The Shining.

We also wouldn’t have the airplane factory that might be coming to Kansas City soon — a factory that’s giving bombardier-sized hard-ons to every local economic development type. Not everybody’s so excited. Over at BlogKC, they wonder if it’s smart giving tax breaks to an industry that’s in the shitter, and a shitter the size of a broom closet at that.

Speaking of being in deep shit. A Deepwater man could face a manslaughter charge after accidentally shooting his wife while trying to install a satellite dish. It seems Ronald Long shot his wife, Patsy, after using a .22-caliber gun to make a hole in the roof. If Long is charged, at least prisons have cable.

Bad things happen when Bushes read.The first lady came to Olathe on Tuesday to read to schoolkids. No word on what she was reading, but let’s hope it wasn’t My Pet Goat.

Now they’ve jinxed them. Mathematicians from South Carolina, who apparently have picked KU on their basketball brackets, say they’ve worked out a mathematical formula to show that the Jayhawks should win it all this year. Daily Briefs has been given an exclusive look at this formula, which shows a different outcome for KU.

By PETER RUGG

Fuck you, Grandma: You know how everything seems more competitive these days? Tougher job market, better-trained athletes, etc. But maybe we’re starting to carry it too far. Sure, a week ago everyone was talking about that woman who was on the toilet so long that she became a new species of human-toilet hybrid. Most people would probably say, "Wow, what a horrible story,” but the family of 85-year-old Hazel Byes looked at it and said, “Two years on the toilet? Hell, we can beat that.” So we end up with this story about how the woman was bedridden for eight years, lying in her own feces. Stories like this give me hope we’ll be able to challenge China in world economics in the next decade.

Fuck you, kid: I’m glad Mike Hendricks over at the Star's Prime Buzz says there’s a life lesson in getting banned from competition for Morgan Brown, the junior high student in Dearborn and winner of the Northwest Missouri Regional Spelling Bee. Brown was all set to compete in Washington, D.C., in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, but her school screwed up the paperwork and, whoops, she got kicked out for something she had nothing to do with. Hendricks notes that it’s “sad.” Thank God she’s learning that life isn’t fair and she’s not tough enough yet. Hendricks should really step in and have her oil-wrestle C.W. Gusewelle for her lunch money.

Fuck you, all you other kids: Luckily, we won’t have to worry about Brown’s younger peers growing up too soft, because Hannah Montana is around to get them started with life’s hard edges early. Sure, there was a lot of screaming and clawing and tearing of flesh to get tickets to the Sprint Center show, but that was mostly by the parents. The Center for Environmental Health released a report saying that at least nine of the pop star’s products have dangerously high levels of lead. This includes lunchboxes and baby bibs. So there’s another life lesson in those thermoses with Miley’s dead eyes staring out.

Fuck you, everybody else: The goal of all this is that by the time they’re old enough to get sent to the Middle East during what should be our 28th surge, long past the just-reached toll of 4,000 U.S. dead, these kids will be used to getting fucked around for no good reason and hopefully won’t expect an apology. And if anyone thinks otherwise, we’ll send them to Hannah Montana re-education camp.

By PETER RUGG

According to the site’s counter, not many people are watching Aaron Nickens’ series of videos on YouTube titled “Urban Testimony.” Not that it bothers him.

“I’m not trying to get the most hits. I’m trying to show that there are some people in the inner city who care enough to give other people a platform to say how they feel,” says the 37-year-old truck driver. Nickens, born and raised in the inner city of Kansas City, Missouri, started posting the videos three months ago. The idea is simple -- approach people living in the areas most affected by violent crime and give them a few minutes to talk about what they think should be done.

Nickens says he has never been a victim of violent crime. “But I don’t feel it should come to that to get involved,” he says. Most people he has interviewed tell him that the problem with crime begins at home, especially those with one parent. “Sometimes the mother who is the one there with the children most of the time, she can’t give those kids what they want because she so focused with keeping a roof over their heads.”

So far, he has posted seven, with at least 10 more on the way.

By NADIA PFLAUM

Happy Friday!

Today’s Daily Briefs is brought to you by your cousin Greg in Omaha, who always forwards you outdated Internet jokes and photos of kittens.

It’s a hell of a drug. Jacques Lavigne, also known as Frank Moran (yeah, I like the Frenchy name better, too. Much more sophisticated) pleaded guilty in federal court yesterday to trafficking cocaine on the Plaza, selling it for $1,500 an ounce. He’s also 64 years old. Trafficking cocaine? I’m surprised he wasn’t selling those lil’ blue pills, knowwhatImean? KnowwhatI’msayin’?

I’m talking about Viagra.

Anyway, Lavigne/Moran was busted after the feds wired a “cooperating witness,” who recorded their conversations. Is that the nice term we’re using for “snitch” these days?

It’s, uh, also a hell of a drug. The fallout continues after a bunch of St. Joseph schoolgirls were hospitalized Wednesday after taking methadone pills a fellow student gave them. One was “excessively salivating.” Experts warn that kids experiment with their parents’ prescription pills, thinking that they’re safer than illegal drugs. If only that were true for synthetic heroin.

Cousin Greg said in an e-mail yesterday that this photo "will totally make you laugh until you cry."

If the decider says so. Yesterday Bush said that Iran wants nuclear weapons to “destroy people,” even though Iran’s government has always contended that they use their nuclear program only for civilian power plants.

Our president tends to misspeak. After all, he also admitted, "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating,” (as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002, thanks to Jacob Weisberg of Slate’s “Bushisms”).

But have you ever seen him beatbox?

It’s the economy, stupid. This whole tanking-economy thing didn’t just fix itself overnight, even after the Fed lent $13.4 billion dollars a day to banks as of Wednesday.

Oh, cousin Greg, that's dirty!

Great, now South Africa has herpes. Paris Hilton visited a private school in South Africa yesterday to comfort the children and sign photos of herself in a bikini.

Say, that reminds me, have you ever checked out this site?

Oh, and hey, before you go — type “French Military Victories” into Google and press “I’m Feeling Lucky.” It’s hilarious! Thanks, cousin Greg.

By ERIC BARTON

Ash-har, I am your father. It's a sad day for the city's "investigative" TV news reporters, who won't have retiring Independence Police Chief Fred Mills to kick around anymore. And it's a sad day for Daily Briefs, which won't be able to make fun of the "blockbuster" investigations that TV news reporters often turned in from Independence.

But don't shed a tear for Channel 5's Ash-har Quraishi. He's got the TV news equivalent of a safety school lined up: a lucrative career selling light sabers!

The force is not strong in this one. KU begins the tournament against the top-ranked Portland State Vikings. No, wait. I had the bracket upside down. I am so going to lose the office pool.

The dark side is a path to getting yourself blown up at a scrap yard. The Fort Riley bomb squad was called out to a Kansas City scrap yard yesterday to remove an 8-inch mortar round.

Even a Sith lord wouldn't do this. A guy from Wichita will serve sixth months for having a sex with a dog, making him immediately the least-popular guy in prison. Joshua Coman was already on probation for a similar crime in Reno. This story could be helpful for the Fort Riley bomb squad, which is probably wondering what it can do with an 8-inch mortar shell.

By JEN CHEN

Really, all you need to know about last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City is summed up in this clip (via Jezebel).

It’s fashion week in New York, and Alex, our former Fort Scott resident, is invited to one of the shows. “Is it a good designer that I’m going to know of?” asks Simon, her gay/not-gay husband. She replies that it’s Pamella Roland. He responds with an “eww, OMG” face. Later, he says to the camera, “Just because I like clothes doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

Alex then channels Malcolm Gladwell and talks about how she’s hoping to meet a lot of high-profile people. “It’d be great to know people who are connectors,” she says. Before the show, though, Bethenny (the single Housewife who’s massively pressuring her boyfriend of six months to commit) invites Alex to get dressed by this Pamella Roland. So, they’re getting their hair and makeup done when Alex has to respond to a text from Simon. He’s asking whether he should wear dark or light-colored boots. “Oh my God, tell him he’s in the midst of a deep homosexual panic, and he should go with his instincts,” Bethenny says.

Simon goes with the brown. At the show, they meet Housewife Jill, who is indeed a Connector; she says she’ll help them out in looking into private pre-kindergarten schools for their 3-year-old. According to Simon, getting into a decent private pre-K in NYC is harder than getting into Harvard. However, Jill’s a little baffled that Simon’s even there. “You don’t see a lot of husbands at the shows,” she comments. She also notes that Alex and Simon seem a little bit nervous,
which “may come off as ‘trying too hard.’” In the meantime, Bethenny’s fascinated/horrified by the fact that Simon, who’s sitting behind them in the second row, stands up and massages Alex’s shoulders during the show. “They’re attached at the hip,” she says. “They’re totally co-dependent.”

Next week: Bethenny says that Alex overcompensates for her insecurity by being pretentious. And Jill says that their kids will get their asses kicked in school for their pretentiously twee names (François and Johan).