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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Take Your Daughter to Stupid Day Laura Bush is coming to Kansas City with daughter Jenna on a mother-daughter book tour project next week. You guys, they're totally going to love the Power and Light district, because you know why? Because moms love the Power and Light District. Your mom says it's "fancy." The two Bushes co-authored a children's book called Read All About It! which stresses the importance of reading. Executive summary for this whole paragraph: Given a publishing deal, the only subject Jenna and Laura Bush could think of for a book is reading books. That's like deciding to put out a magazine of trucker porn in which you only publish pictures of truckers masturbating. Filthy analogy copyright 2008 by Chris Packham, all rights reserved.

Happy Fun Time Lazy Wednesday Audio Hipster Link: How To Speak Hip.

Also, what's the deal with those Jews? On Sunday's Hardball, Chris Matthews -- apparently incapable of storing, retaining, and subsequently retrieving memories or demonstrating applied learning from past mistakes -- said, "You know, Michelle -- and this gets very ethnic, but the fact that [Barack Obama is] good at basketball doesn't surprise anybody, but the fact that he's that terrible at bowling does make you wonder."

Seriously? Does Matthews even know that he's totally Mr. Drummond's racist mom?

And with her fur hat on, her head is almost as gigantic as his! I mean, physically large. The man has a very large cranial circumference, for hauling around his jumbo-size load of bigotry.

Dude, there's your girlfriend: Eeeeew. I really didn't need to see this.

She's training for an amateur boxing match. She floats like a butterfly and stings like a high-impulse thermobaric incendiary explosive detonated over an Iraqi grade school. In the ring, they call her "the Mushroom Cloud." HAHAHAHA! It's funny because it's true! Specifically, it's true that "Slugger" Rice is directly responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians which is what she's gonna whip out and measure when anyone thinks their dick is bigger.

And that's totally your girlfriend.