By CHRIS PACKHAM
Morning Panic: Cattle-killing foot and mouth disease, prototypic member of the Aphthovirus genus in the sexy Picornaviridae family, is so contagious that the only U.S. research facility that studies it is situated on an island 100 miles northeast of New York City in Long Island Sound. Workers who handle the virus aren't permitted to own animals because the virus can travel out of the lab on a worker's breath or clothing. A British outbreak in 2001 resulted in the widespread slaughter of animal herds and the cancellation of large public events such as elections.
ANYWAY! the Bush administration — as seen in the attacks of 9/11, the five-year Iraq war, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the (SPOILER!) upcoming global depression — would now like to situate the Foot and Mouth Disease Center on the U.S. mainland, as close as possible to herds of cattle. Possibly in Manhattan, Kansas! To promote the new initiative, they've hired baby photographer and batshit insane person Anne Geddes to photograph some cute babies dressed up like the Aphtae epizooticae virus:
Aren't they adorable? How could you possibly quarantine such a darling epizootic pathogen?
I'd just like to thank YOUR MOM: I've been shut out of the Kindest Kansas Citian Awards. Again. Despite my pilot program teaching middle-school kids about alcohol vaporizers. I'm not looking for recognition; the work speaks for itself, and I'd even do it without the grant money from the fine people at Jack Daniel's. I'm just saying, name me one single person who ever did anything important after winning the Kindest Kansas Citian Award. It's totally the "Best New Artist" Grammy of altruism recognition. And the winners are the humanitarian equivalents of Christopher Cross and Bruce Hornsby. You can keep your stupid prize, Synergy Services. I'll be out in the real world, doing all of my good works.
Reporters Report About Issue That Only Affects Reporters: The state of Missouri is dramatically increasing the cost of obtaining Missouri driving records. An attorney for the Missouri Press Association says it's a possible violation of the Sunshine Law. Now you've had a small glimpse into the lives of reporters! Next: Issues affecting HVAC technicians.
Freelance A.G.: After his untruthful testimony to Congress in the last months of his tenure, his participation in the dismissal of federal prosecutors across the country, his concealment of illegal federal wiretapping of U.S. citizens, the minimizing of the Geneva Conventions prior to the detentions at Guantanamo Bay, and in the wake of his untimely resignation and an investigation by the Office of the General Inspector, apparently former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding work. HAHA. I'm imagining his kids telling friends at school that their dad "works out of the house." Kids can be so cruel.
WNBTv has learned that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will be the lead Administrator and in-house Counsel for the newly relocated Foot and Mouth Disease Center in Manhattan, Kansas.
The early word is the facility will be located next to a McDonald's at 815 North 3rd Street, just down the road from the Manhattan Country Club.
(Incidentally, as a Hispanic and should-be-disbarred lawyer Lil' Al will not be invited to play a round of golf there, much less join the club.)
Sources inside the CDC state that Alberto "I Totally Shred...the Constitution!" Gonzales was only one of two individuals willing to expose himself to the contagious disease, but actually laughed at its well known 'virality'.
"Are you kidding me? I was this close to Dick "The Dark Lord" Cheney on a day-to-day basis."
To emphasize his point Gonzales held up his right hand and spread his thumb and index finger apart approximately 3 inches.
The common belief is that Dick "Yes, I Shoot My Friends. So What?" Cheney has no sense of 'personal' space and oft times comes within 3 inches of people he is haranguing. This, of course, does not hold true when he is hunting as the average length (un-shortened ala Tony Soprano style) of a shotgun barrel is 18 inches.
More commonly, 3 inches is the average length of a male lawyer's penis. Erect.
Sources inside the CDC also were elated with Gonzales' salary demands.
"He's willing to work for peanuts. Literally, peanuts. It would be one thing if he wanted back on the Government dole. I mean, for pity's sake, he's a high level SESer (Senior Executive Service) making nearly 200 K a year. Which I suppose would be fine if he were competent. But, really, that gay (no tkc) horse guy that ran FEMA a while back would be preferable over Lil' Al. Is he available?"
Lil’ Al will take control of the facility as soon as he packs up his few meager possessions from his mama’s house.
The only other individual willing to head the facility, according to the CDC, was David Hasselhoff. The CDC was unwilling to speculate why the actor might be interested in such a job.
Posted at: April 15, 2008 6:43 AM