By CHRIS PACKHAM

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY, Israel. When you were established, John McCain was already sitting on a donut-shaped prostate cushion.

Ding your little bell if you love banana seats: Some cyclists gathered in Brookside for "The Ride of Silence," honoring their dead cycling brethren and cistern. No speaking during "The Ride of Silence," please. The article touches on oversized novelty Mayor Mark Funkhouser's plan to earn a Platinum designation for Kansas City from the League of American Bicyclists. Just like Portland, Oregon! I lived in Portland, so let me just say: NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Kansas City, I love you, but that's like gross (but sweet!) old Helen Thomas wanting to be Audrey Hepburn. FULL DISCLOSURE: I ride a bike to work. But: As a member of the conservative John Birch League of Strict Constructionist Bicyclists, I would like to take this opportunity to dissociate myself from the sweaty "ONE LESS CAR" bike hippie subculture.

GM Hates Asthma Babies: General Motors could cancel health care and life insurance benefits for all striking workers at the Fairfax assembly plant as early as June 1st. They've already canceled benefits for striking workers in Lansing, Michigan, so they come to the table with a solid reputation for dickishness. SRSLY, General Motors, there are children involved here, many of whom have asthma. Asthma! Would you literally knock the Primeval Mist inhaler out of the hands of wheezing toddler? If you earn enough Dick Points, do you get a poncho or something?

The 2008 Sewer Olympics: Actually, this is pretty gross: The Duck Derby returns to Kansas City on June 29th. Thousands of rubber ducks are released into Brush Creek in the Plaza, where they will be washed by the current through shoals of poo to the finish line where, presumably, they will be collected and burned as biohazardous waste. The DUCK DERBY, you guys! Sponsored by RED Development, and benefiting the Children's Therapeutic Learning Center. I know Brush Creek is like Kansas City's "Seine," but seriously, Country Club Plaza, your idyllic waterfront is gross and pooey.

Such a brave, pretty man: John Edwards bravely stepped up and endorsed Barack Obama the minute he knew he'd be safe from vengeful Hillary Clinton. Seriously, imagine the political retaliation that would have ensued if she'd won the nomination and, God forbid, the presidency. I'll bet even Obama-endorsing Oprah Winfrey would have fled the country. When I think of the Clintons, I don't think "non-vindictive." Mathemagically, it would have been like I, Claudius times I Spit on Your Grave.

The Edwards endorsement comes on the heels of Obama's 41-point loss in shoes-optional West Virginia. A chief adviser for John Edwards with the Kentucky Fried nickname David "Mudcat" Saunders said, "For Barack Obama, I think he ought to kiss Johnny Edwards on the lips to kill this 41-point loss." GROSS, David "Mudcat" Saunders.

Now that this thing is all sewn up, we can focus on the issues. Specifically: horribly old John McCain. Obama is way too classy to make age an issue in this campaign, but here's the thing: I am not running for president. So I'm totally free to say that John McCain is THIS OLD: He still uses virtual reality goggles and haptic gloves to GO INTO CYBERSPACE where HE IS LIKE A GOD!!!!!

And this is CYBERSPACE:

I think the skull is the website where McCain orders his cases of Ensure adult formula.

BILL O'REILLY MELTDOWN DANCE REMIX, YOU GUYS!

Probably NSFW unless you have headphones. Also: Awesome.