Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Auspicious Tuesday: I got distracted from Barack Obama's amazing stem winder last night by a giant pillar of fire in the sky, which turned out to be a burning fuel storage tank in Kansas City, Kansas, ignited by the area's spectacular lightning storm. When I was a little kid, I pushed some lefty safety scissors deep into my ear on a dare, which resulted in damage to my medial temporal lobe and hippocampus. So I have a note from my doctor that says my pathological superstitions are actually misattributions of causality as a result of brain injury, and I am therefore excused from making rational connections between events. So when I say that the lightning and the pillar of fire were signs from Jesus that Barack Obama is your new god, keep in mind that I have a condition, as legally signified by the handicapped parking tag that I whip out and brandish whenever anyone asks me to help them move heavy objects, such as refrigerators. After the jump, some interesting new swears developed by a Washington, D.C., think tank, including one so offensive that using it can result in excommunication from the Catholic Church, and which refers to both Dov Charney and a part of the female anatomy I'd never heard of before. Click here, or on the elderly mumbling gentleman:

Your manly pocketbook essploded: Good news! Officials say the area gas supply will definitely be affected by the big-ass fire. The unleaded gasoline inside the tank had a retail value of $4.6 million. Remember: As I pointed out yesterday, it's possible to get gas for free from MoDot if your tank goes empty on the highway, though I learned the hard way that the Motorist Assist drivers will not clean your windshield for you.

Hillary vows to keep fighting: Anyway, blatant fiery signs from Jesus Ron Hubbard notwithstanding, Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee for president, which means Hillary Clinton utterly refuses to concede. With the candidate almost $20 million in campaign debt, her Web site now asks visitors to sign a petition that says, "I'm with you Hillary, and I'm proud of everything we are fighting for," which then redirects to a straightforward request for what current Chairman of the Board of Governors of the U.S. Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, calls "the dough-re-mi" while making little rubbing gestures with his thumb and forefinger when he's trying to be "cool" around his kids' friends. So there's that. Plus, there's the widely reported rumor that Clinton is angling for Obama's VP slot, which would be ridiculous — a woman? As vice president? That is some unbelievable crazy talk! Would you let a kangaroo do your taxes? Would you let a woman do your taxes? To everyone who doesn't know that I've never expressed a sincere thought in writing in my entire life: I look forward to your comments and hate mail.

Oh, and "Dovgina," by the way.