Blogs

Ha ha, your dad rides the bus: While I was riding the bus to work this morning, I had an idea, which is that from now on, I will end everything I write with an eighth-grade book-report conclusion. It's one of the many reasons I like riding the bus — it's good for stuff like contemplation and introspection, as long as nobody bothers me or asks me to give up one of the seats I'm sprawled across. That happens quite a damn bit — demand for bus service is up across the metro because of high fuel prices, which means that every time some little old lady comes shuffling down the aisle in her orthopedic shoes, looking all pathetic and helpless and stand-y, I have to grudgingly give up my backpack's seat, which is right next to my seat, and let her sit down. Believe me: I've tried the old "stare straight ahead, don't make eye contact" maneuver, which resulted in the driver walking over, picking up my backpack and throwing it in my lap. For such an "ageist" society, we sure do like the old ladies.

If all you have to do to dislodge a working man's luggage is live for a few decades longer than everybody else, then we obviously haven't established a true meritocracy in America's bus systems and, by extension, America. Thanks to the slippery slope I've been hearing so much about on talk radio, soon the country will be a neo-dystopia ruled by the geriocracy, similar to the terrifying and weirdly childless world of Grand Theft Auto IV. It's the old people who drive up the cost of oil by speculating on crude futures with their Social Security checks and payments from their dead husbands' Dick Van Dyke term-life Insurance policies, and then they occupy all the bus seats. Where are they going, anyway? To jump into their alien cocoon swimming pools? In conclusion, I would have to say that Huckleberry Finn is a very good book. The end.

Papers, please: Missouri has received $17 million Americos to develop and test the Real ID program, which establishes national standards for state-issued driver's licenses, and which basically amounts to a national ID, which I am against due to my strict constructionist Republican views regarding federalism. HAHAHA! Just kidding. In a surprise twist, Republicans are, like, totally "in love" with the Real ID program and probably want to make babies with it. Because here's the thing: A national database of personally identifying information for each and every person in the United States will keep the illegal Mexican immigrants from doing all their illegal immigration. Also, I keep hearing that it prevents terrorism. Usually these arguments are delivered with the vague hand-waving I employ to explain away long absences from work and my completely sincere belief that the Apollo moon landings were faked by the government to hide the billions they were actually spending on the battle robots they used in Vietnam. In conclusion, if you ever do drugs or if you sell drugs to others, then you are a real "dope." Thank you.