Daily Briefs: Telecoms to become slightly less satanic
By CHRIS PACKHAM
Now that CVS offers home paternity tests, you can finally put to rest those lingering questions about who actually fathered your kids, previously impossible without the direct creepy intervention of Maury Povich. 
Oh, come on — you know you're that baby's daddy, but wouldn't it make you feel better to see those chromosomal sequences line up all nice and pretty? It's all about peace of mind, like accidental death and dismemberment coverage or the Backup gun rack, as seen on TV. And once you know for sure, I expect you to do the right thing and make an honest woman of your child's mother, who gave you the most precious, precious gift one person can possibly give another: awkward, drunken sex without protection followed by its logical neonatal aftermath. After the jump, some discussion of jailhouse religion and Overland Park-based Sprint's tentative experiment with possibly attempting to make customers happy. By clicking here, you are confirming to the state that this is the mother of your beautiful child:
Sprint to stop sucking: It's fair to say that American telecoms are solely responsible for all of the world's suffering, including AIDS, global warming, genocide and CHUDs. They're essentially Satan made manifest on earth, leaving dread, hatred and bovine spongiform encephalopathy in their wake, so it's refreshing and extraordinarily weird to see Overland Park-based Sprint announce that its Wi-Max wireless Internet service, which represents the first viable challenge to the cable-DSL duopoly for broadband access, will be open to all applications and devices. Sprint Nextel CEO Dan Hesse gave a speech this week announcing that Sprint would sell wireless Internet connection plans to any consumer for any device, breaking with the industry tradition of dropped calls and stealing infants to sell on the black market.
From now on, I guess he'll be doing all of his Śunyavada meditating ... in Buddha jail. KCUR 89.3 has this report about the Prison Dharma Network, which brings Buddhism to prison inmates. Back when I was in Leavenworth Penitentiary, the only religion available to the cons was a kind of hand-made Christianity assembled from chunks of wood stolen from the shop, mess-hall ketchup and a paste made from pulped toilet paper and snot. It was the kind of jailhouse millenarian evangelical worship you won't find in suburban megachurches or public schools in West Virginia. These days, the cons got it easy: hot-and-cold-running Catholic liturgy and Judaism. I even heard that this one cat doing a double-nickel for armed robbery got all up in Sanātana Dharma and had him a god with four arms. And I think everyone on the inside knows you do not fuck with the Scientologists.
Barack Obama doesn't need your damn federal campaign finance money: Today, Barack Obama's campaign formally opted out of the federal campaign finance system in favor of crushing John McCain's presidential bid like a cockroach at Tunguska. The Republicans were hoping against hope that Obama would agree to federal funding and the spending limits that come with it; now McCain will likely have to upend his heiress wife's purse and shake its contents out on the table at Old Country Buffet, or wherever it is old people gum on their chicken-fried steak these days. Anyway, here's the video of Obama getting a few things off his chest about campaign finance:
Post a Comment
