By CHRIS PACKHAM
I say, have you noticed the sheer, amazing proliferation of Starbucks coffee purveyors? 
Four area Starbucks stores are closing, including the location inside the H&R Block building downtown. HAHAHA, those things are everywhere, how psychotically crazy is that? Someone should really get around to writing something funny about a Starbucks being across the street from a Starbucks, that seems like pretty fertile comedic territory. What's that? What is this "The Onion" you speak of? But seriously: There sure are a lot of Starbucks stores. Also, New York people and Los Angeles people be different.
Speaking of the shitty economy: KMBC, a Kansas City ABC network affiliate and the hot new catch-phrase stealing America's black, shriveled heart, has this story about how excellent the housing crisis has been for the repo men, the unsung heroes who don't want to have to beat you with the Louisville Sluggers they carry under their truck seats. So just stand in your doorway, please, and watch while they tow away the Ford F-series Super-Duty pickup you bought back when you thought housing prices had no ceiling and that home equity loans constituted income. This segment should have been titled, "Repo Men: America's Quiet Douchebags." Although, I think this is a growing industry
In a violation of the relationship we've established over several months, this is really late today. After the jump, a letter of explanation and an apology. Here's a preview: I was savagely beaten on the street by a beloved American actor and the lead singer of a popular band. Click here, or on this picture of a novelty miniature version of Britney Spears:
Dear Reader,
Sorry Daily Briefs is so late today. I'm writing this from the hospital after receiving what was a surprisingly major beating from Johnny Depp and Adam Duritz, 
considering their respective advanced ages. HAHA, seriously, I'll bet those guys talk about Ron Howard's Coccoon all day on their Jitterbug phones while they ride up and down on their stairlifts. Although they are still sprightly enough to administer an old-fashioned street beating. A lot of people take away autographs and feelings of inadequacy from their brushes with fame. I didn't get any autographs from mine, but the feelings of inadequacy did come with two broken ribs, a collapsed lung and two cracked incisors.
Here's the condensed history: I got hired as the new manager of former Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Sprint Nextel Gary Forsee's Li'l Celebrity Impersonators, a midget entertainment company. Forsee originally established it as a tax-shelter, but thanks to the global economic collapse, it now has to be operated as a profitable business.
We drummed up a lot of interest by filming an all-midget re-enactment of the Zapruder film which posed some serious questions about the Warren Commission Report, while simultaneously entertaining thousands of web-surfers with its sped-up photography and "Yakkity Sax" soundtrack. Anyway, we'd started work on a handsome coffee table book of midget reenactments of iconic photographs of the twentieth century. Long story short -- if you dress up a particularly handsome young midget as River Phoenix, and then have him lay down on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room, there are going to be consequences -- the violent kind, that come with health insurance deductible payments. On the other hand, Evan, the midget River Phoenix impersonator, was invited inside and is now fielding offers from various producers. Big, big charisma in a two-foot package.
Still, I can rightfully claim to be hobnobbing with famous people now, so if you'd like me to attend your dinner party and tell amusing anecdotes about famous people clubbing me with bottles, drop me a line.
Je vous prie d'agréer, Madame et Monsieur, l'expression de mes respectueuses salutations,
Chris Packham
The opening of the 2nd downtown Starbucks location was heralded as an affirmation of KC finally becoming a "real" city, with one location opening within viewing distance of another.
I guess it was too good to last.
Posted at: July 18, 2008 6:17 PM