Kansas City News Blog

Will you be my cyberpal? Daily Briefs is looking to connect with you, the urbane and (hopefully) sexily underage reader with negligent parents, Juicy-brand shorts and a taste for Mike's Hard Lemonade. So we've established a Daily Briefs Facebook presence to connect with readers. There are many hundreds of benefits to befriendstering the Daily Briefs Facebook, some of which may be valuable prizes but most of which will consist of me writing "hay whuddup, ur sexxxy" on your Facebook wall. As an incentive to add Daily Briefs as your new internet pal, the profile contains contact information for any invective-breathing commenters who want to tell me about the unacceptable quality of my writing in person. To demonstrate my very real, very sincere sincerity about my desire for long-distance friendship with the potential for something more, I've composed the following poem about friendship:

There's been so many times where I've needed you as my friend,
No matter what the reason is, you'll be there til the end!!!!

Everytime I need to talk or when I feel so sad and blue,
you understand, your honest and you give you're point of view!!!

If you ever need any thing, any time day or nite
I promise I will be there to try and make it rite!!!

I hope I can truely do for you all the things you've done for me,
Cause a bestest Fritch is what you will forever all ways be!!!!!!!!!

After the jump, some editorial embarrassment at the Star, and Barack Obama's growing lead in the polls, despite the media's adorably childlike pretense of a horse race. Click here, or on this little token of my friendship, which I will deliver in person whenever your parents are at work:

I am updating my resume: This weekend, Ross Balano was upgraded from vituperative Midwest Voices blogger to actual Kansas City Star editorial columnist with this defiantly militant comparison of modern-day Islam to pirates from the 19th century, which ran in Saturday's paper. TAKE THAT, Rhonda Chriss Lokeman. This gives me a lot of hope for my own career trajectory, and it's not just that Balano seems to have derived all of his relevant historical detail from this Wikipedia article — I know how to use Google, too, and I paid good money for my diploma. Each passing day, I am getting sexier and more eligible to the editorial boards of major national newspapers. My favorite part of the column is the Heart of Darkness "KILL ALL THE BASTARDS" ending, in which Balano dismisses 700 years of habeas corpus — I think he believes it's Latin for "Released to the custody of his mother." Maybe this Wikipedia article can set him straight.

Blah blah polling: It's no secret that I'd like to see Libertarian candidate Bob Barr elected as president this year. But everyone who confidently predicted that Barack Obama would take a hit in the polls after his world tour last week now must pretend that yesterday's Gallup daily tracking poll never happened, like the time Steven Spielberg digitally superimposed walkie-talkies over the racist fucking dinner scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Because Gallup shows Obama holding a significant lead over coprolite-pooping, Whig Intelligencer-reading old John McCain for the third consecutive day.

Meanwhile, not only does Bob Barr fail to register in polling, but the Web site of the Libertarian Party is still actively trying to get Barr on the ballot in all 50 states — putting his campaign significantly behind Obama's and McCain's and also behind things that aren't actually political campaigns, such as monkey-brain consumption in India. And I can't even find any Libertarian campaign buttons on Libertarian Party's Web site. So I guess I'm the only person who has ever had to present ID and register with the state to buy fucking allergy medicine. Hey, you know who's a famous Libertarian? Libertarian Party founder L. Ron Hubbard.