Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Via Boing Boing — I know, I know — morning news anchors for Fox 5 News in Las Vegas share their desk with simulated cups of delicious-looking, but fake, McDonald's coffee drinks, which are actually made out of some kind of plastic. According to The Las Vegas Sun, the anchors are not even supposed to acknowledge them, but the point is that the actual broadcasts of the news orgs are now legitimate vehicles for advertising. Speaking of which, Daily Briefs is proudly sponsored today by Coochy™ brand rash-free body-shave cream for women. For a smooth, sexy "special area," try Coochy™.

Now that I'm no longer bound by journalistic propriety, Daily Briefs is going to contain enough advertising to support a NASCAR team. It's already well under way! But unlike my televised brethren and cistern in Las Vegas, I am contractually bound to mention my advertisers in the body of my copy, and talk up their products a little bit. After the jump, help is on the way for lackadaisical parents. Click here, or else click on, and then buy, the Big Boy™ package-enhancing undergarment for men — "the original full basket undergarment" from the fine people at Gunoil. I'm wearing mine now — but you wouldn't know it!

Negligent Parents for McCain: If you have children and you prefer to leave those children watching TV totally unsupervised — but you're outraged that America's electronic au pair, the mass media, puts grown-ups doing the humpty dance on the TV — then the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families would like you to consider voting for John McCain. The organization's Kansas City executive director liked McCain's responses last week about how desensitized we're becoming as a culture to sexual material. And speaking of media-induced sexual desensitization, if you're on an ejaculatory hair-trigger, try Mandelay™ genital desensitizer with benzocaine.

Anyway, SURPRISE! The Arizona senator does not come out in favor of Internet porn or sex on the TV. If those are the issues that drive you to the polls, vote McCain, I guess. We'll be right back after you scroll past the following advertising:

Housing report sponsored by Tucks™ medicated pads: Existing home sales dropped by 2.6 percent nationally. I'm really glad I don't have a mortgage, especially the fancy kind that has caused the housing market to explode and burn up all the home equity. As a result of this conflagration, lenders are tightening credit, just as tight as Four Seasons™ condoms — the tighter condom for the petite man.

On the other hand, if I found a gullible lending institution that was willing to give me a mortgage, the market is great for buyers as slumping home sales depress prices. Although, who could be depressed when your cold sores disappear overnight? Morgan's Lysine Lip Balm™ diminishes unsightly herpes outbreaks in as little as 24 hours.

In summary, thanks to the douchebags who run Fannie Mae and Billy Bob, or whatever that other loan guarantor is called, we're facing an unprecedented economic crisis in America. Totally unlike the fine douchebags from Faultless™ Goodhealth™.

They're reusable, making them more economical than disposables — perfect for a plunging dollar and a bear housing market! Thank you and goodnight. Please browse our other advertisers on your way out: