By CHRIS PACKHAM
Bitches, the KMBC Channel 9 Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid giveaway contest grand prize Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid is mine. Anybody wanna step up, I'll mumble vague threats under my breath while avoiding eye contact. Unfortunately, the KMBC Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid giveaway contest entry form demands that you enter the KMBC Word of the Day. This would entail actually watching a KMBC news broadcast, instead of all the reading books I do when I'm not busy shopping for books on Internet book stores or discussing books with Pitch book critic Alan Scherstuhl, whose anonymity would be totally compromised if I Photoshopped a picture of him smoking a pipe and posted it on the Pitch blog.
By erecting this unacceptable barrier to entry to its stupid contest, KMBC just pissed me off. I guess they forgot they're dealing with a man who's been trained to ignore pain, ignore weather, to live off the land, to eat things that would make a billy-goat puke. Also, I use Google quite a bit while nibbling on Vanilla Wafers, and while a search on the terms "KMBC" and "Word of the Day" was not fruitful in uncovering their stupid mystery word, I did uncover this priceless treasure. It's the Urban Dictionary's definition for slang acronym KMBC, the newest queen of the Chris Packham Sexy Slang-cabulary Beauty Pageant. Congratulations, Miss KMBC, on your upcoming massive overexposure, because if the day comes when I ever, ever stop telling people to "KMBC," you'll know it's time to unplug my ICU brain monitor due to my diagnosed permanent vegetablification.
NOW: Everyone GO HERE and vote up this awesome new catch-phrase. After the jump, we'll put it to use. Click here, or on me driving my sweet future ride:
The police remind you not to drive drunk in south Kansas City this weekend: This is — hands-down — the most valuable service provided by The Kansas City Star. I wish I lived in a world where I didn't have to hold my cans of Old Style below driver's-side-window level, but this ain't Middle Earth, I ain't no goddamn Frodo and New Zealand fatty Peter Jackson can go KMBC in manipulative, overwrought slow-motion. On the mean streets of the real world's Kansas City, you can't be too careful about avoiding sobriety checkpoints, but what doesn't pull me over and cite me for driving under the influence only makes me stronger.
I have several punch-you-in-the-face service plans available: In a display of razor-sharp business acumen, our friends in the Far East, South Korean SK Telecom, are denying rumors that they want to acquire Overland Park-based Sprint Nextel Corp., an American company currently attempting to build a customer service department from the ground up after their common-sense-defying post-merger dismantling of any department dedicated to making customers feel emotions other than hate.
Instead, the two companies were discussing collaborating on technology, by which I hope they don't mean the circuitous network of touch-tone menu options that ultimately leads to that one Sprint PCS operator dude who once came right out and told me that, yes, as a matter fact, I was required to continue paying on a contract for a phone that could not get cellular reception in Sprint's hometown. So if sincerely hoping that customer service guy was ultimately busted for asking 14-year-old boys on MySpace to K his BC makes me biased, at least I'm being transparent about it. Oh, and if Sprint Nextel President and CEO Dan Hesse has a problem with that, he can totally KMBC.
KMBC Google proofs their mystery word? WTF is up with that? Since actually watching KMBC is not desirable, I imagine we have to guess that muthafuckin word and get our obese writer a vehicle adequately sized to transport his mammoth ass.
So, if we presume that the station operates like most mainstream media, it will be an intern that actually selects the word since it remotely involves effort and “is not the job” of the “senior staff”. Next, it is safe to assume that the intern is a journalism student and has never been taught how to investigate anything, so said Intern will likely turn to Google, which will result, most likely, in Dictionary.com. Point, click, and kapow the answer is anodyne.
This will also appease the intern because getting this done will soothe him of the bland duties assigned. As it did mine.
Posted at: July 17, 2008 11:11 AM