Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

Dr J has a prescription for ESPN Classic.

Yesterday's sports page in the Star featured this story concerning the joy of watching a classic sporting event. I get into watching old sporting events so much that I sometimes even tune in just for the awful broadcasting (e.g., Reggie Jackson and Howard Cosell in the '76 ALCS, Chris Berman under any circumstances or context).

But now I'm nostalgic about the ability to watch nostalgic sports. Much as MTV retained the name but never shows videos and CNN no longer covers news, ESPN Classic now rarely shows "classic sports." Inspired by this brilliant post by Future Considerations, I jotted down the titles for 24 hours of ESPN Classic programming.

The following is an analysis of ESPN Classic's programming from 8 p.m. last night to 8 p.m. tonight.

Sporting Events That Are Not "Classic": 3 hours.

ESPN Classic shows many events forgotten by everyone but the participants. This includes the deliciously obscure boxing match between heavyweights Kuryavach Togonabev and Audrey Turkstan (8-9 p.m.), a four year old tape of NHRA Drag Racing (11 a.m.-12 p.m.) and bull riding (10-11 p.m.).

In fairness, these are at least sporting events, which leads us to....

Events That Do Not Involves "Sports": 8 hours.

I realize defining what is or isn't a sport is controversial and problematic. That said, my personal view is that while a sport may be emotionally or intellectually taxing, it must involve some amount of physical exertion. A simple rule of thumb is that the participants must be in better shape than this author. That excludes poker (2 a.m.-4 a.m., indicating Bristol's market research concerning gamblers' sleeping habits), bowling (11 a.m.-12 p.m.) and billiards (9 a.m.-10 a.m.).

Also, for an event to be a sport, the participants must actually try to compete at all times. While streetball (4 p.m.-5 p.m.) involves athleticism, it also involves little defense. It is an exhibition of dunking and passing, not an actual contest. The AWA Wrestling Championship (12 a.m.-1 a.m.)? Poor acting is not a sport, although Charlie Sheen and Judd Nelson would make an awesome match-up. American Gladiators (9 p.m.-10 p.m., 6 p.m.-7 p.m.) is a trickier subject -- it involves physical exertion and the participants try. But any event where someone is named Nitro is not a sport, unless we are in a future imagined by Stephen King.

Documentaries Concerning Sporting Events: 6 hours

This is what ESPN Classic does best. The Sportscentury series (1 p.m.-2 p.m. devoted to Willie Mays, 2 p.m.-3 p.m. to Barry Bonds, 8 a.m.-9 a.m. to Pete Rose) is terrific, as are their replays of documentaries produced by other parties. But these are documentaries and not actual replays of sporting events. I do not relive the Civil War by watching Ken Burns -- I listen to old men reading dead men's correspondence.

This rules out Sportscentury, as well as Joe Louis' Greatest Hits (12-1 a.m.), 50 Years of The Final Four (7 p.m.-8 p.m.) and films devoted to the championship runs of the Lakers in 2000 and 2001 (7 a.m.-8 a.m.). The latter of which is immensely entertaining only if one spots the controversial officiating.

Replays of Events Neither Classified As Sport or Classic: 6 hours

ESPN Classic is also where bad comics go to die an obscure death. Under no circumstances can ARLISS$$$ (1-1:30 a.m.) or the lame aping of MST3K by the Sklar Brothers' Cheap Seats (1:30-2 a.m., 12-1 p.m.) be considered classic. While staring at beautiful women gyrating is entertaining for me, I do not suffer the delusion that it is a sport (despite my efforts to persuade ex-girlfriends this is the case). This rules out Kiana's Flex Appeal (6:30-7 a.m.) or Denise Austin (7 a.m.-7:30 a.m.). Game shows are not sports, although this would be an opportunity for the morbidly obese to win gold in Beijing. This rules out Stump the Schwab (5-6 p.m.). Finally, "paid programming" is not neither a sport nor is it classic (4 a.m.-6 a.m.), although Bruce Jenner may appear.

Leaving us with....

San Francisco Giants vs. Los Angeles Dodgers, a replay of a game played on October 1, 1993. For one hour -- in order for you to fully appreciate the nuance.

I have absolutely no idea why that game is "classic." The Giants and Braves were in a taut pennant race and the Giants won the game 8-7 thanks to a two home run performance by Barry Bonds, but ultimately lost the NL West pennant after the Dodgers beat them two days later.