From the Comments:
(the) Trevor says: Hey, asshole, when I sent my question and $5 to the Paypal site, a freaking government SUV showed up and two dudes in black suits whisked me away for “sending money to terrorists”. So, I expect a free answer to these two:How do you file for habeas corpus when you are stuck in Gitmo with nothing but Internet access to the Koran on a “non flushable” computer?
Why did Internet Koran writers include a link to The Plog?
In much the same way that the Postal Service has little-known and infrequently exercised legal control of the 
executive branch of the United States Government, the Kansas City park board has legal power over all the boulevards in Kansas City. According to this article, they leveraged their boulevard-controlling powers yesterday to force the Cordish company to answer some pretty difficult questions about their prejudicial policy of denying Power & Light District access to black men who don't want to dress like Computer Generated Orville Redenbacher.
The Baltimore, Maryland-based black-men-access-denying Cordish Company wants to advertise the Shark Bar 
and 810 WHB-AM Sports Radio with two illuminated signs facing the Sprint Center, but first they'll have to satisfy the capricious whims of the Parks Board members, who I picture dressing like Ranger Smith and being seriously careful about lit matches, by answering questions about the Power & Light District dress code policy. Anyway, it's great to see the Park Board exercising its powers in the service of racial justice, unlike the fucking Postal Service, which has shirked its responsibility of reigning in the executive branch of the US government for the last eight years.
After the jump, guess which demographic is rising faster than the Latino population! Here's a hint: Buy Lane Bryant stock. Plus: REALLY bad news for the nerds. Click here, or click on naked Lyle Waggoner, who would rather wear nothing at all than dress up like Computer Generated Orville Redenbacher. Although, to make the image safe for work, I've censored the dirty part with the head of Computer Generated Orville Redenbacher:
Your "after" picture is worse than your "before" picture: The tater-tot-eating state of Kansas is the 23rd-fattest state in the Union, with 62.3 percent of the adult population either obese or overweight. Missouri is ranked 13th-plus-sized, with 63.3 percent of the adult population subsisting on Hot Pockets and 2-liter bottles of Hee Haw soda from Sam's Club.
We're unlucky enough to live in a state with humid summers, because judging by what I see whenever I drive through midtown, it's physically impossible for big, fat men to walk down the street on a nasty high-ozone day without exposing the maximum possible surface area of their skin by taking their shirts off. On the other hand, we're actually lucky that the pericare industry has introduced a lot of amazing (and affordable!) technologies in the last few decades, like this wheeled commode, as seen in your bathroom.
As a hilarious coda that makes me believe somebody in the web department at KCTV Channel 5 enjoys having a laugh at the expense of overweight people, this was actually in the sidebar accompanying the story:
Who will watch the Watchmen movie? HAHA, not you, nerds: The unnecessary film adaptation of Watchmen, Alan Moore's unfun comic book for eggheads — now in a mostly-finished post-production state and scheduled for release on March 6th — is confronting a legal challenge by Fox, which claims it still has copyright interests in the property. Hilariously, Fox is actually seeking an injunction that would bar Warner Brothers from distributing the film. I love the idea that the executives who greenlit the production didn't actually bother with any due diligence involving a property that has shuffled between studios since the fucking 1980s.
Sorry about your nerd movie, nerds. If it helps, you can clutch your albuterol inhalers while paging through the comic and imagining all of the scenes shot in slow-motion by director Zach Snyder, who also directed the slow-motion 300, based on Frank Miller's widely-unread graphic novel. I really love the idea of Harry Knowles, unhappy and frustrated, fondling his McFarlane Toys statuette of Rorshach and consoling himself with Duncan Hines vanilla frosting straight from the can. What has two thumbs and laughs when Harry Knowles cries? THIS GUY!!!! Although, in real life, I think there's about a zero percent chance that there won't be some giant cash settlement and an on-schedule release. It's going to be three painful hours of slavish reproductions of Dave Gibbons' artwork shot in slow-motion.
Join the Daily Briefs Facebook page. It will make you a tiny bit less lonely on the internet, unlike jaleelwhite.com, the official website of "actor and writer" Jaleel White, who may offer to speak at your next event, but who absolutely does not care about you the way Daily Briefs cares about you.
you're just encouraging him!!
Posted at: August 20, 2008 10:51 AM