Daily Briefs: John McCain is very reluctant to talk about that thing he constantly talks about.
From the comments:
As a punitive measure for the lack of notable comments, I expect every reader to watch the following video of Complete, the worst band in all of YouTube, performing their show-stopper, "Hoogie Boogie Land." Wumble has to watch it twice, and Mallory has to follow up by watching this interview with the band. I would say this hurts you more than it hurts me if I didn't watch "Hoogie Boogie Land" a couple of times a week myself, ever since I was directed to it by Pitch Music Editor Jason Harper. Let's just say you've earned it:
In Hoogie Boogie Land, there is no war. There is no hate. Can y'all relate?
We're all going to die. Next Wednesday, I mean. The stock market's little-noticed 300-point crash yesterday didn't faze change-agent John McCain — he'll be OK — but Jon Taplin thinks the market got spooked by all of that 
Sarah Palin war talk on Wednesday night, considering that Halliburton and Exxon are the sole beneficiaries of the Bush economic boom, and the rest of the market has declined by 12 percent since 2001. I'll be OK, too, because I've been plowing my Pitch paycheck into my sideline venture hosting erotic lingerie parties, and then all the lingerie profits get plowed into cartons of GPC cigarettes and cases of generic macaroni and cheese from Aldi.
Reluctant war hero Sen. John McCain reluctantly talked last night about his POW experience, which he does with Tourette-like spasms of regularity, in last night's speech to the Republican faithful, which included criticism of the Republican faithful. The speech should silence critics who didn't think McCain would be able to "sit up that late." HAHAHA, because old people go to bed at 8 o'clock, you get it? Also, he's coming to Washington, from Washington, to change the harsh partisan culture there with his running mate, harsh partisan Gov. Sarah Palin. None of this matters because scientists will destroy the planet next Wednesday when they yank the two-stroke cord on the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, smashing particles together at the speed of light and creating a mini-black hole that will tear the Earth apart. At least it better, because I've been betting on it, in the form of six separate maxed-out credit cards in the last month. If I wake up on Thursday morning, the first thing I'm doing is calling a bankruptcy lawyer.
After the jump, some discussion of narcissistic personality disorder and Web-site commentary. Click here or on Curtis, lead singer of Texas rock band Complete:
Chris is awesome: Sometimes reporters will refer to the hate mail they receive as though it's some kind of badge of honor and pretend that they love being called names by readers. This is such an obviously bullshit method of making yourself superior to your critics that I hesitate to point it out because you might start to think that I believe you're stupid and respond by calling me hurtful names. And I don't think you're stupid. I think you're smart and pretty and totally the best at kickball.
I know for a fact that I'm in it for the praise. I actually have a doctor's note that says I have to receive constant injections of praise, like insulin — the combination of my diagnosed narcissism with my Axis II personality disorder means that I need a constant, unremitting bath of body-temperature praise or else I go into a state similar to diabetic shock, only instead of losing consciousness, I cry and scream at people to shut up. IT'S A MEDICAL CONDITION, for which I have handicapped license plates and golden, blood-diamond-encrusted MedAlert jewelry, including my MedAlert cockring, all of which will inform emergency responders that they need to tell me I'm awesome.
Yael Abouhalkah's harshest critic at Midwest Voices, a racist commenter called Rogue, would trigger my pathology pretty much the same way Red Bull and Skittles affect Wilford Brimley's poor old raggedy pancreas:
ROTFLMFAO!!!!Pawleeze, Oh Pawleeze write another editorial Alphabet slamming Palin, OH, Pawleeze will you??!!
As usual dumbocrats once again open the door directly into their nose!
DUMBOCRATS, you guys. And the spelling of the word "please" doesn't get off any easier than Yael or the Dumbocrats. IS NOTHING SACRED TO THIS UNSTOPPABLE GOATEED INTERNET NERD? On the other hand, a commenter named "Chanteuz" in the same Midwest Voices thread has so much nauseating praise for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama that it's like having a Guantanamo Bay interrogator slowly inject Duncan Hines vanilla frosting directly into your mouth. It starts out kind of pleasant, and you think it won't be so bad. But somewhere in the middle, everything changes and you realize that the entire world has gone insane and that your stomach is about to explode. It starts out talking about community organizing, but then it transforms into something out of Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I can post only a small excerpt:
How much more will he accomplish for us, the worried well? We, who need far less than those he has already lead out of despair? The thought takes my breath away with expectation. I am lifted up by the shear inspiration he represents. What he accomplished in the meanest of streets, he can and will transfer to the niches of America's darkest roads. Welcome "blessed" one! We have been waiting for you.
I AM TOTALLY VOTING FOR JOHN MCCAIN, despite his outspoken support for vanilla frostingboarding. Seriously, you guys, you should read the whole batshit-crazy thing, assuming you totally hate yourself. I wouldn't wish the sincere, heartfelt enthusiasm of Chanteuz on my worst enemy, the 1997 Smash Mouth hit "Walking on the Sun."
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