Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS PACKHAM

From the comments:

Peekaboo Joe says: That is a lot of text.

Totally unscary: Once, when confronting a catastrophe of epic proportions, a brave, unflinching man addressed America's fear by saying, "I ain't 'fraid a no ghosts." That man? Ray Parker Jr. Good day.

Sure enough, cooler heads prevailed, and three doctors from Columbia University plus this one other guy saved New York from Gozer the Gozerian. Now, in previews of her first big-boy interview with long pants, the very, very qualified vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin tells ABC's Charles Gibson that the United States might just have to go to war with Russia, the world's other nuclear superpower. Not terrifying at all, you guys. Seriously, my fight-or-flight response requires encryption keys from two different locked safes, and two officers have to turn their launch keys at the same time.

Palin also totally fails to understand what Gibson is talking about when he asks her about the Bush Doctrine, named for the fiscal conservatism of 41st President George H.W. Bush. HAHAHA, that was a little joke. No, the Bush Doctrine is actually named for the embrace of Hitler by Sen. Prescott Bush, who was alleged to have plotted with Gerald MacGuire to overthrow President Roosevelt and install a fascist dictatorship in the fancy Continental mode. HAHAHA! Totally kidding. But, you guys, Major General Smedley Butler? Anyone? What do they teach you people in history class? The Magna Fucking Carta? No, Gibson was really talking about President George W. Bush's policy of "preventive" war, and even though Palin didn't know it was called the Bush Doctrine, she affirmatively does like her some war, so there's that.

The New York Times runs the headline "In First Big Interview, Palin Says, 'I'm Ready,' " totally burying the lede, unless you happen to be talking about their actual lede, in which Sarah Palin says she totally didn't even blink when John McCain asked her to run, which proves she's a steady hand during a tough job interview. Yeah, they didn't bury that lede. How is this paper not free, in a rack by the door at Town Topic, and also called Auto Buyer Weekly? The Pitch: Still free, you guys. While we're sticking it to The New York Times, I heard that, like Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son, The New York Times be so ugly, you could smash its face across some dough and make gorilla cookies.

After the jump, more tales of horror and valor from the campaign trail, plus a note about some awesome upcoming changes! Click here or on Major General Smedley Butler of the U.S. Marine Corps:

Bone Thug Strict Constructionists 4 Life: Yesterday, I quietly honored 9/11 by setting aside my totally transparent up-front partisanship and wrote a fucking funny post that nobody read, seriously, nobody likes reading anymore? I did not get that memo. It was the kind of thing I would write every day if I did not have to pretend to be about "news." It's hard out here for an Internet, but now that we're on the same page about that whole thing, starting Monday, Daily Briefs is transforming into a wacky animated gif archive. THANKS FOR THE LOLZ IT'S BEEN GREAT, YOU GUYS! Here's a preview:

Oh, anyway, it's 9/12, now, and even though I said I would very somberly acknowledge today's 9/12 observance of National Day in el República de Cabo Verdeso by refraining from linking to any biased media partisanship, I wanted to point out that John McCain's appearance in Philadelphia this week without his new Alaskan caretaker did not go so well. HAHA, Josh Marshall wants to know if McCain will bring her to the debates with him and, like, hold hands. All the hugging, you guys, those elephant rallies are like gross old-person cuddle parties now.

Overtime: Plog shift supervisor Faysal Alkhaiwani scheduled me for weekend shifts when the temp who does the accounts receivable data entry took sick leave for her hammertoe or some damn thing. The social disadvantages of working on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights are grossly outweighed by the comforting fact that I'm breaking the Muslim, Jewish, and Christian Sabbaths just by punching the clock. It means that not only am I a rebel who rejects your precious rules, old man, but I'm also getting paid to do it. By showing up on time and working with grit and spirit and a positive attitude and then also eating beef, it's what's for dinner, thereby making Baby Ganesh cry, I'm guaranteed eternal damnation by four of the world's major religions and a pay stub every week.

Apostasy is more of a hobby, though — I mean, I dabble. I'm no ordained Catholic pedophile, or anything, but I'm totally straight up about it, without the equivocation of your Gov. S. Palin, who is now contradicting all of her past statements by suggesting that she now believes humans are responsible for global warming. Since she used to believe that it was caused by the cherubim and the seraphim or whatever, this has to be seen as some kind of progress for the plucky young woman from the icy land of the tauntauns and the wampas. Meanwhile, you guys have a good weekend — if you happen to drive by the Pitch office, wave at the one window with the light on, because that is totally me covering the temp's night shifts.

DAILY BRIEFS ARCHIVES, you guys.

Join the Daily Briefs Facebook page. It will make you a tiny bit less lonely on the internet, unlike jaleelwhite.com, the official website of "actor and writer" Jaleel White, who may offer to speak at your next event, but who absolutely does not care about you the way Daily Briefs cares about you.