Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS PACKHAM

· Brobdingnagian Megamayoralossal Gimarkumentally Funkmonstrous issued the first veto in modern Kansas City history on behalf of his wretched, allegedly racially insensitive wife, Gloria Squitiro, with a GROSS statement about "loving couples" in the workplace, as if that's the issue, rather than the very real legal liability to which she has exposed the city like a halfwit volunteer personal assistant first lady indisposible confidante wiccan Earth-mother goddess and life-partner. Oh, specifically, he vetoed the regulatory ordinance that would have restricted volunteers from calling city employees "mammy," keeping lawn jockeys on their desks and making jokes about rectal exams, because that is just so unfunny that when it comes into contact with funny it annihilates in a blinding flash of embarrassment. Anti-funny, you guys, WHOOO! IT'S FRIDAY! PEANUT BUTTER, MOTHERFUCKER!!! WHOOOO!!!

· Whoa. The SEC just issued a temporary ban on short selling, the ancient Hawaiian tradition by which traders profit by borrowing stock, selling it, waiting for the price to drop, buying it back and then walking up and down Main Street with their glinting jewelry and fancy linen regalia while peering at the rabble through their monocles. It's hard out here for a U.S. regulated broker-dealer, Hustle and Flow, you guys. Oh, the short sellers will be OK; the ban applies only to bank stocks, so they just have to bet that businesses other than banks will fail, such as advertising firms.

Once we lose those, the shitty economy "trickles down" to street level, and — worst case scenario — I wind up huddled with the other hobos below the Interstate 29 overpass, attempting to boil up a vegetarian variation of Hobo Soup, the "jungle recipe fit for a king." Only, without letting the other hobos know that it's "good" for them, because honestly, they're like a bunch of drunk, syphilitic babies about their food. I'll continue writing Daily Briefs out of sheer momentum, in Big Chief tablets stolen from Osco, basing all my detached irony on articles I read in issues of The Kansas City Star stuffed into my clothing as insulation. Lookit me, I'm Gene Roddenberry peering into the future! It's all stupid up in here!

· Gov. Sarah Palin is referring to the "Palin/McCain" administration on the campaign trail, which has a kind of a terrifying and hilarious ring to it. Oh, here's some video:

Also, she's STILL lying about killing the "Bridge to Nowhere," when, after Congress killed it, she kept the money. Yesterday:

This Sarah Palin person? She wants it too much. She's the new lady in the office who tries waaa-aaay too hard, uses your first name, Steve, way too many times in a single sentence, Steve, wants everyone to know that she fills the paper tray on the copier every time she uses it, who keeps the radio in her cubicle tuned to KUDL for "your favorite soft-rock hits from the 80s, the 90s ... and today," and when November rolls around and the KUDL format switches to 24-hour holiday music, doesn't change the station. Yes, she brings in the mini Crock Pot full of Li'l Smokies sausages on Food Day, but you do know she secretly nicknamed you "Stumpy," right? And totally calls you "Stumpy" to other people whenever she thinks you're not around. Jesus, I hate offices.

· Hey, you guys, have you ever heard of this funny Internet site called The Onion? It really gave me a giggle! Linking to The Onion is like linking to oxygen or something, but seriously, they posted this sweet, funny, obviously very affectionate article about the sad death of author David Foster Wallace.