By CHRIS PACKHAM
The economic bailout plan is also Lou Pearlman and Andrea Yates: I don't care who likes it or who voted for it, 
the $700 billion economic bailout plan is the creepy and hateful John Mark Karr of economic recovery bills. You heard me: The economic recovery bill passed by the Senate last night was arrested in 2001 for possession of child pornography, fled to Thailand and then claimed that it killed JonBenet Ramsey in order to obtain extradition from the Thai torture prison where he, I mean it, was eating millipedes and drinking urine. Y'know, I really believe Americans get the congress, president and economic bailout they deserve, but First Community of Christ, y'all, I had no idea how much bad corporate welfare legislation you deserved. I think you need to take a long look at the "man in the mirror" and ask him to "make a change."
So now, via the forefatherly flow-chart of checks and balances, it gets sent with all its new Republican-attracting "sweeteners" — mostly more tax breaks for the same companies it bails out — to the House of Representatives, where God knows what the hell will happen at this point, and may Allah the Creator, the Compeller, The Maker of Order, the Forgiver and Hider of Faults, to Him who belong the most beautiful names save us all, y'all.
After the jump, debate stuff, and an important invitation. Click here or on these delicious wieners:
She reads all the newspapers: At the request of the McCain campaign, the ground rules for the Vice Presidential debate were changed to be nicer to "loose-fit moms." Specifically, to exclude follow-up questions or direct interaction between the candidates and to shorten answer times. Which can only mean that SARAH PALIN IS DEAD, OMG . I think it's pretty clear that a debate setting modified specifically to favor non-answer responses will display foreign policy expert and brave Grizzly Man Sarah Palin like a precious jewel. Ordinarily, I'd say Joe Biden's only possible "strategy" or "tactic," also known as a "gambit" to chess players, or "Magic Missile evocation spell" as it is known to the nerds, is to actually "know things." But according to some very reliable punditry I heard on the TV, "knowing things" is actually Joe Biden's Achille's heel and he'd better not try using that on a girl, or else, you guys.
Emily Bazelton at Slate goes on at length in this "Men Suck" article about how men suck and how Sarah Palin's hesitant unpreparedness in the Couric interviews means that "Palin won't bust through the ceiling that has Hillary's 18 million cracks in it. She'll give men an excuse to replace it with a new one," concluding with her belief that men really are that shitty, and the hope that Palin performs well tonight so that John McCain can bust through some up-high ceiling glass and be the first woman President, what with his vagina and all. I actually don't think Bazelton's reasoning has actually become that convoluted by the painful unraveling of Palin's national profile; I do believe she's pretending that it has. UNSUBSCRIBE.
Y'all are cordially invited: The Pitch hosts a GALA ART EXHIBIT tomorrow night from 6 to 10 p.m., curated or whatever by Pitch art director Zach Trover, who has been making our paper the handsomest, specialest newspaper in all the wide Kansas City metropolitan area. He also drew the Daily Briefs logo of iconic briefs, in about four seconds. Plus another Daily Briefs logo which I am not allowed to show you, but I am allowed to say that if monkeys touched it, they would learn how to fashion weapons and spaceships out of other monkeys' bones, and then turn into star children. It is that good.
I am a superfan of Zach and will be in attendance taking pictures of the art and the artists, all of which are/will be awesome. Please come, as I will be obtaining both a haircut and a new pair of shoes for the occasion. If you are a rich person, please know that the art will be for sale at what are probably going to be rich-person prices. For regular shlubbs like me and Sarah "Joe Six-pack" Palin, they're selling related merch at affordable prices. Plus, MUSIC. And most importantly, FREE BEER. Although I am observing the month of Sober October and will not be drinking beer, as far as I'm concerned, huffing jenkem is not "drinking," and having jenkem-induced hallucinations is not "being drunk," so I may unwind a little with some fermented sewage in a mayonnaise jar. MORE DETAILS HERE. 1701 Main Street, you guys, in the Crossroads.
My new Riki-Oh prison nickname: RADIOACTIVE SCORPION VENOM.
Oh, look. I believe this is YOUR JACKET:
Members Only jacket + cumberbund + formal slacks = Your dad ushering a wedding, but imagining he's James Bond.
That's a battle zone that needs a surge!
Posted at: October 2, 2008 11:18 AM