Murder, John McCain Wrote: In advance of a potentially embarrassing Alaskan state ethics report, the McCain campaign has released its own ethics report clearing Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin from any wrongdoing in the Troopergate matter. First of all — hilariously — that sentence is very similar to the AP's lede, and I swear I tried to rearrange all the clauses, I am not Mr. Plagiarism, y'all, I actually like to write things down, it's kind of a hobby of mine. I also build birdhouses.

But there are only so many ways to express the idea that John McCain is now personally investigating and solving mysteries, just like Diagnosis: Murder. Or, remember The Cosby Mysteries? Neither do I. According to IMDB, each week, Bill Cosby would put rohypnol in a woman's Tab cola, and then try to figure out how to get her panties off before Camille came home from the country club. Allegedly! Unconscious women, with their elaborate networks of undergarments, are just like Rubik's cubes, y'all. But it's pretty clear that when history looks back at the presidential election of 2008, the McCain/Palin campaign will be depicted at a sped-up frame rate, set to the theme from The Benny Hill Show. Man, that little bald guy cracks me up every time. Their own ethics investigation, y'all.

Econocalypse 101: My friends, the economy's core problem is that banks are terrified to lend to each other. Because they don't know which one will fail next! Think of it like the nerds do: You've got three guys tied to a bench. One of them is actually a shape-shifting alien life form, but you won't know which one until Kurt Russell tests their blood samples. So none of those three guys wants to lend $20 to any of the others, obvs. And in that metaphor, Kurt Russell is Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. Also, NO NERDO on this whole paragraph.

That's as far as I understand it, because then Slate starts talking about the TED spread, which tracks the difference between the interest rate banks charge each other and the interest rate on U.S. Treasury bills, which, just writing that makes it sound like I have any idea what all that adds up to, and let me assure you, my friends, I don't. Hopefully, some nerds will leave an easy-to-understand metaphor based on Stargate in the comments.

Dean who? Some CBS intern or something named Dean Reynolds had a wrist-flapping hissy about substandard reporter-pampering in the Obama campaign. They kept him waiting! In a Miami hotel parking lot! For TWO HOURS! Fancydancer Reynolds writes, apparently on purpose, "The McCain campaign plane is better than Obama's, which is cramped, uncomfortable and smells terrible most of the time. Somehow the McCain folks manage to keep their charter clean, even where the press is seated." Fortunately for all rational, unentitled human beings, he's completely lost the respect of his peers, so there's that.