Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS PACKHAM

The international brotherhood of fancy lads: It's obvious that I was never going to get the Nobel Prize for literature, because I'm not European. And I'll never get the one they give out for peace, because brokering bilateral agreements always came in second behind dick-punching. But ever since I was a kid, I've been sure I had a clear shot at the Bank of Sweden Prize in Economic Sciences in Memory of Alfred Nobel, otherwise known as the Nobel Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Prize for Economics. And who won this year? Paul Krugman, Princeton economist and columnist for The New York Kinda' Mainstream Media Times. The Swedes will honor him at the windmill where they give out their Eurotrophies "for his analysis of trade patterns and location of economic activity." And my hard work in the distribution of fast and hassle-free loans by phone without credit checks or origination fees has now gone unacknowledged for five years running.

I'm not going to suddenly give up and develop an interest in watching The Hills or quit any of my bench-pressing, protein-shake-frappe-ing or musculature-oiling activities and begin storing quantities of excess body fat in my abdomen just because Krugman gets to wear his World's Fanciest Lad sash while mine remains folded up in my hope chest. There's still a lot of hard work in the days and weeks ahead, and I'm announcing my next initiative right here, via an open letter on the Pitch Plogblog:

An Open Letter to People Who Say "Kicks" instead of "Shoes":

My Dearest Friends Who Say "Kicks" Instead of "Shoes":

Fuck y'all.

Sincerely,

Chris

As step two of my new initiative, I'll be using some fist polish to polish up my dick-punching fist. Fair warning, y'all. After the jump, more discussion of terrifying economics, and a Week in Review of Racism. Click here, or on a recently identified new taxonomy of douchebag, the Contemporary Country Douchebag:

Joad Meridian: I might be in trouble when the econocalypse truly gets underway since I have absolutely NO MARKETABLE SKILLZ for for surviving in an agrarian economy. Hello, can I trade my "being a snotty bitch" for some of your delicious Hobo Soup? A very resourceful and documentably pleasant coworker at The Pitch knows how to make alcohol in his basement, and therefore always has his fermenting skillz to fall back on. Although if he's a leading indicator of the kind of drunk available during the impending econocalypse, we'll all be getting Viking drunk, because what he makes in his basement is delicious Viking mead, for getting your Eirik Thorvaldsson drunk on. I know how to get "D-Block drunk" with toilet tank pruno made from orange rinds, but I never felt particularly nostalgic for that ICU-grade hangover once I got paroled.

Nobody's really talking about the serious new possibility of some Venezuelan-style hyperinflation, including Nobel Laureate Paul "Fancy" Krugman. What with the government printing money hand-over-dick-punching-fist, pretty soon, the exchange rate for dollars will be exactly diddly and squat. Euro Pacific Capital, Inc. President Peter Schiff correctly predicted our current terrifying economic collapse two years ago, and more recently said the following spooky things about the bailout plan:

In the end, by refusing to allow market forces to work their cure, our economy will inevitably die from the disease. Our economy will now face death by hyperinflation, which will cause a complete loss of confidence in the dollar and result in prices and interest rates skyrocketing out of sight. The evaporation of our national wealth will lead to civil unrest, food and energy shortages, and the possible imposition of martial law.

... and hanging from the handle WAS A HOOK!!!! Brrr! Some pointy-headed European should give Schiff the Nobel Prize for Bone-chilling, because all this is going to be just like Shaun of the Dead only without the zombies or the hilarity. On a more positive note, I learned this weekend how to type a little snowman on the screen:

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Seriously, you can copy/paste him into any document!

Some of my best friends are black mooslim Arab terrorists: Horrible Alaskan separatist and winky enchantress of racists Sarah Palin spent most of last week assuring voters that if John McCain is elected president, he will stop black Arab terrorist Barack Adolph Obama from blowing up the World Trade Center. Then, last Friday, Sen. John McCain, no slouch in the dick-punching department himself, tried to grudgingly acknowledge that Obama is "a decent family man, a citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with..." BOO, Sen. John McCain, that was the message from what is left of the Republican base in response to that whole thing. BOO!!! It was a foregone conclusion that McCain wouldn't be able to dial that shit back, what with the Klan rallies his scumbag presidential campaign has been hosting. Now that they've chased all the normal people out of the party, once they lose the racists, there's really nobody left to pull the elephant lever in November.

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