By CHRIS PACKHAM
What with dentists and commuting and "dropping off the kids at the pool," I am a very busy man with an active schedule. For instance, while this post is incredibly late today, it's also incredibly short! To make up for it, I attended a Nikka Costa concert last night, and the review I wrote this morning is about the same length that you would expect from a normal Daily Briefs. So you can read that whole thing right here. It's funny! Alternatively, you can read about TWO THINGS that annoyed me this morning by clicking here, or on this portrait of Fifth Viscount Major-General William Howe:
Oh, shut the fuck up, internet: Yes, John McCain accidentally said "My fellow prisoners" instead of "My fellow Americans" yesterday in a speech, causing my entire RSS reader to fill up with OMG HE SAID PRISONER! So goddamn boring. Jesus, whole entire internet, quit acting like you've never stumbled on your words in your whole life. I've heard you in restaurants, right after the waiter said "Enjoy your meal," replying, "You, too!" Internet, you are acting like one of those car drivers who act all huffy and sanctimonious about bicyclists running red lights, as though you've never broken a single fucking traffic rule, ever, in your entire obese, nose-picking life. Shut up and quit being so boring. Don't you have some pornography to disseminate to children or something? I shake my whatever is the Arabic word for "fist" at you:
More bitching: My cellular service contract is up in November, and once I get a new phone, I've tentatively penciled in smashing my fucking RAZR with a hammer and throwing the pieces in the majestic Euphrates of Missouri, the Missouri River, which you may have noticed by its scent of smoldering garbage and fish heads. I've hated this phone, and Motorola, for a long, long time. Let me count the reasons: You can't pull a RAZR out of your pocket without accidentally mashing the idiotic side-buttons, which, if you've just received a text message, automatically dismisses the dialogue option to read it directly, forcing you to navigate the stupidly designed menu interface to the message menu. If it's low on power, it starts chirping, LOUDLY, even in the middle of the goddamned night when you just want to get some fucking sleep. It's like they didn't bother conducting any consumer, or human, focus groups on their stupid design. Apparently, the RAZR is still the best-selling phone in the United States, thanks to telecom subsidies and Motorola's complete R&D stasis since the year 2004. I can't believe this spun-metal piece of duck shit used to be $600. Allow me to express my annoyance via the expressive idiom of a photo of Mullah al-Hakim shaking his fist at a Western culture that engages in such depraved consumer-market industrial design:
GAAAAH! A curse on you, Motorola! Get off my lawn!
I've tried using my friends' Razr to send a message and been totally infuriated at the five-second delay before the little fucker registers that you've pressed a command.
Plus, it spells it's own name retardedly.
Posted at: October 9, 2008 7:23 PM