By CHRIS PACKHAM
Okay, okay, only Republicans are allowed to vote, we get it already: The Republican party is working hard to disenfranchise as many newly registered Democratic voters as they can before the November election, and the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals in Cincinnati 
just ruled that the Secretary of State in Ohio must verify 660,000 new voters via other State records in just 20 days. This cannot be accomplished, obvs., unless Matter-Eater Lad flies so fast that the Earth reverses on its axis, or somebody in Ohio catches a magical wish-granting fish in Lake Erie, and then for some reason decides to wish for voter registration validity instead of a 12-inch pianist or an orgasm that lasts for eight years. So, big, big win for the Republicans. Could Ohio be any more electorally fucked-up than it's been for lo, these last eight years? Go climb a wall of dicks, voter-disenfranchising 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Ohio's on my bulleted and prioritized shit list, too.
After the jump, my morning output, including some spectacular art. Click here or on your mom's tattoo:
Hey, play some Skynnard, man! Lumpy Sen. John McCain has taken a solid lead in the polls over Barack Obama, 62 to 39 percent. Obama is unlikely to overcome that huge disparity before the November election, which pretty much de facto makes John McCain the President of Alabama, you guys, I totally forgot to mention that McCain's 27-point lead is in the great state of Alabama, the carbuncular cyst of the United States of America, also known as the country's largest Klavern, stretching from border-to-border with hoods made out of burlap sacks.
Basically, he's leading in all the states where the main industrial output is Hank Williams, Jr. cassettes sold on the counter at the gas station: Alabama, Alaska, Oklahoma and Texas. Hey, you know who seems really warm and sympathetic, you guys? Cindy McCain. Sorry, that was a total non-sequitur. In conclusion, here is a not-at-all rhetorical question to which I demand fucking answers: Why is there no animated gif of the football helmets crashing together followed by Hank Williams, Jr. going, "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?" I tried every Google search term I could think of to produce this animated gif, but it is mythical, like Brigadoon, appearing only once every hundred years. Instead, I had to produce my own version with the tools at my disposal: Microsoft Paint and Blingee.com. Total render time: Eight minutes. I AM THE NEW PIXAR:
Republican party plagiarizes twee playwright: Two hundred years ago when man and dinosaurs shared the earth, there was a TV show by crazy Aaron Sorkin called The West Wing about an idealized pretend president named President Martin Sheen Hussein Bartlett. In one episode, some bad stuff was happening, and one thing led to another, and one of the characters gave a big soliloquy, and then another character started spouting the slogan, "Let Bartlett be Bartlett." That phrase got adopted by Republicans, who openly hated commie liberal playwright Aaron Sorkin's TV show, but secretly loved it. And NOW they go around spouting that catch-phrase all the time whenever they're behind in the polls.
Why, just yesterday, John McCain's stupid younger conjoined twin brother Joe was saying, "Let John McCain be John McCain." As if anybody even knows what that means anymore, my friends. Is it the straight-talking war hero, computer-generated Orville Redenbacher or the racist bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2? So many John McCains to choose from.
On the other hand, nobody goes around saying "Let Palin be Palin," because Sarah Palin is a fucking show dog with fucking papers. Love or hate that batty, racially inflamatory Alaskan separatist, she consistently brings home the red raw meat for the new racist-core KKK base of the Republican party as represented by grizzled old no-nothing flop-sweat yard-beer alcoholic Hank Williams, Jr.
i am ready for some football.
Posted at: October 15, 2008 11:23 AM