Kansas City News Blog

By CHRIS PACKHAM

I'm going to tell you a little story, and at the end, I think we'll all realize that we learned something. On Friday night, my sister sent me a text message to the effect that she was having "GIRLS NIGHT OUT" because her husband had a previous engagement, and she hates "GIRLS NIGHT OUT," to which I responded, "HAHA, FRIED GREEN VAGINAS." Which was hilarious, obvs. The moral of the story is, I am extremely funny, y'all. Relating important lessons in the form of a story is good pedagogy and stuff, just ask math teachers.

After the jump, some discussion of the ineffectual power vacuum shaped like the Funkhouser administration, and some adorable policies of the Secret Service. Click here, or on your lovely wife:

More like the Adorable Service protection detail: I learned a lot over the weekend. For one thing? I learned that if you're surprising your girlfriend by making rice pudding for dessert, and you realize that you're out of rice, pork 'n' beans is not an adequate substitute. So I also learned that I am not "Mr. Genius Cooking Man" in the kitchen, y'all. Then I learned from the news that the Secret Service code names for President Elect Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia are "Radiance" and "Rosebud." So I guess I capped off all my weekend learning and autodidacticism and whatnot by learning that the Secret Service is also trained to shoot CUTE BULLETS OF ADORABLENESS right at your heart, omygod, ladies, I could just die, now WHO WANTS A BACARDI BREEZER? Here are some more things that are fucking cute as fuck:

Anyway, my Secret Service code-name would be Baron von Hugecock. What's your Secret Service code-name, you guys?

It's Tony's Kansas City, we just live in it: Baby Geniuses was a 1999 film by A Christmas Story director Bob Clark, who also directed the 1982 horn-dog-com Porky's, did you know that, you guys? And also Turk 182, my, what a varied and mostly shitty oeurve. As an apology for lapsing into French, here's this:

HAHAHA, man I love that, it's better than make-up sex. Anyway, Baby Geniuses, which has a ridiculously complicated plot that is way too involved to recap here, basically involves a bunch of talking babies with computer-generated mouths who are secretly geniuses. It's like a dream come true for anyone who hates movies and themselves. By contrast, the Funkhouser administration is the complete opposite: A bunch of uncute, non-genius grown-ups stumbling around and trying not to accidentally set their clothes on fire. It's good to know that Kansas City Mayor M.C. 900 Foot Funkhouser (Secret Service code-name: "Douche Cannon") is completely unconcerned about ever getting reelected, because you can't get around the fact that beating him in two years is going to be monumentally easy — like punching a baby!

But as unemployed, beered-up stepdads with anger management difficulties have somehow always instinctively known, sometimes that baby's just askin' for it. First off, in response to the City Council's new ordinance restricting volunteer activity at City Hall, Funkhouser filed a big ol' crybaby lawsuit. Because without constant proximity to his civically embarrassing spouse Gloria Squitiro (Secret Service code name: "Belial") he would be unable to do important works like completely failing to pass a light-rail ballot measure. In response to the ordinance, Funkhouser is also "paying it forward" with a succession of dick moves like removing Councilwoman Cindy Circo from her chairmanship of the Housing Committee without explanation, and via voice-mail.

And then second, over the weekend, the Kansas City Star retracted its endorsement of the mayor, which, they can do that? Well, whatever, I guess Funkhouser can consider himself officially de-endorsed.