Kansas City News Blog

The sad times for local newspapers continue. The Kansas City Kansan's print edition is dead, a story on the newspaper's Web site reported today. The Kansan will be an online-only publication as of January 10. Earlier this year, the Kansan switched to a twice-weekly print schedule. I only have one thought: damn.  -- Justin Kendall

Last weekend, I was reading Rolling Stone when I came across a tale of real-life superheroes called "The Legend of Master Legend." Master Legend is an Orlando-based masked crusader, complete with secret lair and sidekick, The Ace.

But what struck me in the story is that many real-life heroes are listed on the World Superhero Registry or the Heroes Network. (Damn, who knew Utah needed so many heroes?)

I wondered if we had a local caped crusader registered with any of these syndicates. Surely Alonzo Washington would be recognized for his heroism (albeit with a twist of homophobia, attention whoring and race baiting) among the Green Scorpion, Citizen Prime and Insignis (who, oddly, dresses like San Francisco's Zodiac killer). I mean, the guy calls himself "Alonzo Crimesolver." He also has an alter ego, Omega Man, who's "too black, too strong." And he has the Omega Mobile and a scooter an Omega-Pod.

Alas, our hero isn't registered, possibly fearing a government ploy to unmask and ultimately control superheroes, just like in Marvel's Civil War, which preceded the death of Captain America, who saw registration as an afront to our civil liberties. Live free, Alonzo. -- Justin Kendall

Tis the season for setting weight-loss goals, and we at Plog are here to help: Eat less, exercise more.

In related news, People magazine reports today that one of greater Kansas City's most famous pound shedders, former North Kansas City schoolteacher and Biggest Loser contestant Marty Wolff, and his wife are expecting a child.

Wolff, a speech and theater theater at NKC High, arrived at The Biggest Loser ranch in 2006 weighing 365 pounds. Though he didn't win the grand prize, Wolff got his weight down to 219 pounds by the season finale.

Sounds like Viacom will pull the plug on 19 MTV Networks channels on Time Warner Cable if the two don't cut a deal before the stroke of midnight, Multichannel News reports. So Time Warner subscribers like me could be screwed come tomorrow if we want to watch The Daily Show or South Park.

Viacom wants more money from Time Warner -- they say $.25 per month per subscriber. Time Warner says "Viacom is trying to extort $39 million annually -- on top of the hundreds of millions of dollars our customers already pay to Viacom each year."

I'm trying to come to terms with the potential loss of Comedy Central (South Park, The Daily Show, Colbert Report) and Spike (TNA Impact).

I don't care so much about Nickelodeon, Nick at Nite, MTV, VH1, TV Land, Noggin, MTV2, VH1 Classic, Logo, MTV Hits, MTV Jams, MTV Tr3s, Nick Too, Nicktoons, The N, CMT Pure Country, Palladia and VH1 Soul.

Both sides are playing earnest negotiator. Look, I don't care how this gets done. Just get me my damn Daily Show. -- Justin Kendall

Kansans looking for home state props during tomorrow's Tournament of Roses parade can thank Bayer CropScience, a massive ag science company, for once again reminding millions of viewers worldwide that Kansas will never, ever be rid of The Wizard of Oz.

Bayer CropScience, which is part of the Bayer global health, science and technology conglomerate, has a Manufacturing, Research and Development plant on Hawthorne Road in Kansas City, Missouri, and a Research and Development facility in Stilwell, Kansas. They are happy to announce that their "Rose Parade Tribute Float with Kansas City ties" kicks off the movie's 70th anniversary.

Here's a picture of their fabulous float:



According to the company's description, the monstrosity "will feature enormous (20-plus-foot-tall) replicas of the movie's Tin Man, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion coated in
more than 12,000 live flowers.... See if you can spot the yellow roses on the float -- named appropriately "Yellow Brick Road" roses -- at the characters' feet when the parade airs
on NBC, ABC and HGTV at 10 a.m."

Mark Schneid, Bayer CropScience's director of marketing, explains that the float team came up with the concept last spring, when the Tournament of Roses announced its theme for this year's parade: "Hats Off to Entertainment."

ESPN released its final NFL Power Rankings for the 2008 season, and Kansas City beat the World Wide Leader's low expectations. Yay! Oh, the Chiefs still finished 30th out of 32 teams. So much for that projection of 31st. Only the St. Louis Rams and Detroit Lions were more worthless. The Chiefs climbed as high as 27th, clinging to the spot for a mere two weeks. Simon on Sports charts the ups and mostly downs of the season, which most Chiefs fans, players, owners, groupies, etc. would rather black out. I suggest this. -- Justin Kendall

                                  The drop-off center at 80th and Metcalf

Thanks to the tanking economy, the growing stream of recycled materials snapped up by hungry manufacturers in early 2008 has turned into a mountain of worthless trash entering 2009. Waste haulers, like Deffenbaugh Industries, have seen the market for recovered materials plunge to unprecedented lows. So it's no surprise that, in the New Year, area residents will have one less place to recycle their bottles and cans.

Sexy KSHB wants you to make sexy text message booty calls this sexy New Year. In a sexy story simply titled "Booty Call," sexy NBC Action News reporter Karen Graber apparently didn't know that sexy booty calls can come via sexy text message. In a not-so -sexy development, the story is actually about unsexy Baby Center's Booty Caller, which sends equally unsexy text message reminders when a woman is ovulating. ** Claims of Karen Graber's sexiness can not be confirmed. Sexy Graber does use the sexy phrase "so you can get busy."

My favorite TV newsie Micheal Mahoney gets a great dig on colleague Kris Ketz, who was subbing for Chris Stigall on KCMO-710. "Is it true that when you go grocery shopping with your family that they have to get between you and the microphone in the checkout line?" Via Bottom Line.

Bunny the Newshound recaps the murder of an 18-year-old man Tuesday afternoon in the parking lot of the Belmont Place Apartments. 

Nick Sloan asks the question on Kansas City football fans' minds: "How does [Denver Broncos coach] Mike Shanahan get fired before Herm Edwards?"

Arrowhead Addict mocks up the 2009 NFL draft. With the third pick, the Kansas City Chiefs select Texas defensive end Brian Orakpo. And Missouri receiver Jeremy Maclin is gonna be a Chicago Bear.

Will Not Be Televised applies to be the new czar of the Kansas City Chiefs. He's not qualified but tripping and being drunk off your ass has to dull the pain of watching the Chiefs. -- Justin Kendall

Feel free to get trashed tonight. Just make sure you have this number -- 816-777-1115 -- programmed in your phone. Call the number and you'll get a free lift home until 3 a.m. The first $25 -- about 10 or 12 miles -- is free thanks to Yellow Cab, Central State's Beverage and Seven night club, our sister blog Fat City reports. This is a good reason to make the call. -- Justin Kendall

To city officials, the sight of packet-clutching, name-tag-wearing visitors shuffling between downtown hotels and Bartle Hall evokes the sweet sound of cash registers ringing. But to Kansas City residents, the flocks of out-of-towners often raises the question: "Who are you people?"

Despite the plastic sunglasses and hipster fashions, this week's crowd wasn't in town for an American Apparel conference but OneThing08, hosted by the International House of Prayer. While countless Christians likely tuned in online, thousands traveled to the hometown of IHOP preacher Mike Bickle for the four-day event. Among them was a young trio from Minneapolis, who said Jesus Christ inspired them to attend this lesson on the end of the world.

One way we keep track of the general health of Kansas City, Missouri, is by paying attention to the press releases from the police department. When someone's killed, one of the KCPD's public information officers sends out a notice with a number.

Yesterday at 5:06 p.m. came this one, under the subject line "Homicide #126":

Today at approximately 4:30pm, KCMO Police were called to an apartment complex in the 100 block of N. Belmont in regard to a shooting. Upon arrival officer's observed a shooting victim (white male approx. 20yrs old) inside a vehicle behind the apartment complex. The victim was pronounced dead a short time later. A female witness stated that a white male shot the victim and fled on foot. The suspect is described as a white male, 5'8, medium build, wearing a red hooded sweatshirt/jacket and blue jeans. Detectives are on the scene and ask that anyone with information to call the TIPS Hotline at 816-474-8477.

If no one's murdered today, we'll narrowly avoid tying 2005, with its 127 homicides, for the bloodiest year of the decade. C'mon, people. Let's not kill each other today, OK? -- C.J. Janovy

Johnathan "Fatal1ty" Wendel may have moved from KC to Las Vegas, but we haven't forgotten the video-gaming legend. Now, Wendel is featured as part of Microsoft Windows' "I'm a PC" TV ad campaign. Fatal1ty has also been spotted sporting a faux hawk and a finger gun on billboards, which his newsletter says have appeared in San Francisco and London.

Check out Pwn or Die for Fatal1ty's all-time top 10 first-person-shooter games. He even gives a shoutout to KC, although we still don't know if he tamed the PBR Big Sky's mechanical bull. Please, Fatal1ty, video update us. -- Justin Kendall

On Christmas, some Grinch chucked rocks through the windows of a building near 39th and Main. Two days later, the building suffered $20,000 damage in a fire.

The vandalism had led to rumors the blaze began with a Molotov cocktail. But the Kansas City fire department today says a defective water cooler was the cause. The fire started just before midnight on December 27.

The Main Street Corridor Redevelopment Corporation & Community Improvement District, a non-profit known informally as MainCor, uses the portion of the building that caught fire. The space serves as a base for MainCor's red-jacket wearing maintenance workers and patrol officers. MainCor head Diane Burnette says Brent Lambi, the building's owner, made the space available at no charge.

Marty Schottenheimer's return to the Kansas City Chiefs is "a long shot," Fox Sports' Jay Glazer reports. Glazer says Schottenheimer met with team owner Clark Hunt last week to talk about a vice president gig with the team, kinda like Bill Parcells, who may be considering new employment. Glazer notes that the GM search will be "thorough." Chiefs dream coach Bill Cowher isn't linked to any KC opening but does get a mention in the Cleveland blurb. However, the former Steelers coach has said he's not interested no matter how many bags of money he's given. Chiefs dream GM Scott Pioli is also mentioned as a possibility for the Browns. Being thorough is good, but Clark Hunt better act fast before the best candidates end up somewhere other than 1 Arrowhead Drive. -- Justin Kendall

McClatchy Watch argues with Kansas City Star columnist Rhonda Chriss Lokeman over who's really writing her paychecks. McClatchy Watch says the Star -- via Lokeman's hubby, publisher Mark Zieman -- funnels the money through Lokeman's syndicator because she's not really nationally syndicated. Lokeman says her syndicator pays her. I'm not sure a couple of papers running a column makes a syndicated columnist.

Arrowhead Addict writes the blueprint for the 2009 Chiefs. Raid the Patriots!

Midtown Miscreant tours the Power & Blight District. Double M gets right what's wrong in the palace of poseurs.

Damn. Erin's leaving KC for D.C. Best of luck with Mr. Perfect. -- Justin Kendall

Sam Graves' homophobic TV spots against "Big City Mayor" Kay Barnes have earned a nomination for the 2008 Golden Duke Awards for the sleaziest campaign ad given out by Talking Points Memo. But Sammy will face tough competition from John McCain's ads about how Barack Obama supposedly wanted sex ed in kindergarten. Hat tip to Prime Buzz. -- Justin Kendall

Damn Minneapolis. Damn Seattle. Damn their fancy book reading. This guy on the right, Dr. John W. Miller, doesn't think Kansas Citians are very literate. Miller just released his annual list of America's 10 Most Literate Cities. Miller's fancy pants study ranks America's largest cities by looking at each city s newspaper circulation, number of bookstores, library resources, periodical publishing resources, educational attainment and Internet resources. Seattle and Minneapolis tied for first. St. Louis made the cut. Kansas City didn't. Cheer up, KC bookworms. Kansas City's libraries made the top 10 in library resources. Maybe this guy knows what he's doing. -- Justin Kendall

A recent Kansas City Star feature on Bill Snyder's returning to coach football at Kansas State opens with a scene of a house in St. Joseph. The house was chosen because it contains an apartment where Marionetta Snyder, a frail but determined single mother, raised the boy who would one day rescue the K-State program.

"It's where a mother once took her son when it turned out the world was not an easy place to live," Bill Reiter writes in the December 14 story. "It's where the son learned from his mother what it means to be a man."

After listing of some of Snyder's achievements in Manhattan, Reiter purports to tell an untold story about the coach: "What we don't know about Snyder begins in this house." Reiter goes on to establish that Synder's famous work ethic comes from his not wanting to his disappoint his beloved mother.

"What we're about to learn is new..." Reiter writes at the close of his introduction. But that statement is not entirely true. A 1998 profile of Snyder in Sports Illustrated began outside the very same St. Joe apartment.

M.Toast finds a swastika patch in a parking lot at 75th and Wornall. Awesome thought of the day: "Maybe I should post it on Craig's List under Lost and Found."

The jokes of comedy: What have we learned this year? For one thing, we learned that a joke whose punchline is "Lipstick!!!" is always way funnier and more handicapped-accessible if you point to your lipstick when you tell it. Men: This also works for jokes about cocks. Nothing enhances a joke like a helpful little pantomime, or, in the case of saggy old Robin Williams, who looks like he recently opened the Ark of the Covenant, making parenthetical non-sequiturs in the voices of a faith-healing televangelist or, hey, a stereotypical "black man":



It's FUNNY because it's TRUE!!!! Black men: always grabbing their cocks and shouting at the tops of their voices about "booties," LADIES, AM I RIGHT??? And this includes President Elect Barack Obama, obvs. It's like Robin Williams rolled up his sleeves, sharpened a pencil, sat down at his joke-writing desk, wrote, "Obama's black" on a piece of paper, circled it, and then farted and fell asleep. Also, I think the kids stopped saying "keeping it real" in, like, 1999 or something? If you can think of anything less relevant to the life-experience or public career of Barack Obama than this, you can win Matrix shampoo and conditioner, a $5.98 value. TIP FOR BUDDING TONIGHT SHOW PERFORMERS: If you turn a joke upside-down, for instance by saying, "You know what they say: Small shoes, small clit," you'll probably need to point clitward to make your point. Although that audience will laugh at anything.

After the jump, world events and lying memoirists. Click here or on the most self-satisfied, least funny people imaginable:

Everyone loves doing year-end top-10 lists. Operation Rescue isn't about to be left out. A few days ago, the Wichita-based anti-abortion group released its 10 best stories of 2008. As expected, Kansas abortion provider George Tiller claimed a majority of the spots -- a whopping six selections! But Tiller couldn't be the top story of the year. That distinction was reserved for the shutdown of California abortion-clinic chain Clinica Medica Para La Mujer, which closed after owner Bertha Bugarin was arrested for operating the clinics without a license. Maybe next year, Dr. Tiller. Missing from the list: Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry's trademark battle with Operation Rescue President Troy Newman over rights to the Operation Rescue name. I'm sure it was an accidental omission. -- Justin Kendall

About a week ago, I had an early-morning flight out of KCI. I was stumbling around, bleary-eyed, when I saw this interesting display hanging on a deserted storefront in whatever terminal houses Midwest Airlines. The exhibit, entitled "Physical Kansas City," featured old photos from KC's early development days. Presented by UMKC, these placards also introduce us to the architects that helped shape KC.

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love

Author: Left Behind creator Tim LaHaye and his wife Beverly

Publisher: Zondervan Publishing

Date: 1976

Discovered at: Good Will, Bonner Springs

The Cover Promises: When a married couple makes clean Christian love, they dissolve into beings of pure honeyed light. ALSO: The man must wear a three piece suit.

Representative Quotes:

"Partners in coitus avail themselves of the God-given privilege of creating a new life, another human being, as a result of the expression of their love." (page 13)

"Equally difficult to understand is why such a pleasurable and exciting experience has been hidden from so many women while their male counterparts almost universally have tasted the delight of ejaculation." (page 103)

I'm not going to get my hopes up that the Phoenix Coyotes' financial troubles will lead the NHL franchise to the Sprint Center. The Coyotes may be looking for new owners or investors, but I'm not inclined to think they're an interstate jaunt away. Here's why: The team is under a 30-year lease with the city of Glendale. So KC sports reporters, save us the Kansas City Coyotes teases. -- Justin Kendall

I didn't see Jesus this week. Did you? I guess 400 people in this city dressed up as the King of Kings and went to "their jobs, shopping malls and restaurants."

The Associated Press reported that members of Praise Chapel Christian Fellowship accepted the challenge of their pastor, Kelly Lohrke, who wants to keep Christ in Christmas.

Fox News interviewed the church's receptionist. "A lot of businesses and people are saying that they have to say, 'Happy Holidays' and 'Season's Greetings,' " Chelsea Johnston said. "They're not allowed to say 'merry Christmas.' It makes us upset because that is the holiday and it goes against our freedom of speech."

JoCo SOB gets in the holiday spirit with his KCMO version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." It's a little Squitiro-heavy. "Eight mammies a milking"? Oh, boy.

Blah blah capital markets, blah blah business writing: So, apparently the U.S. recession began last December? Wow, that was such a long time ago, how the years fly by. Why, I can remember back before there was any such thing as habeus corpus, but you kids have it so great these days with your Magna Carta and your Beatles and all your butt-sex, OW, MY HIP! Oh, sweet, sweet Ensure adult formula, now available in pudding form, flood these old bones with lactose-free, gluten-free calories and protein. Anyway, energy is cheap, consumer electronics are cheap, houses are cheap. Everything's gone to hell. How are you tightening your belt? I'm patronizing a lower grade of gentleman's club these days; lap dances at the Shady Lady are wuh-haaay cheaper than Bazooka's. After the jump, a journey to a magickal land of puppets and reading. Click here or here:

Last week, I went to New York City. It was great to get out of town, especially since it's been a while since I've had a long vacation. As it turned out, I was reminded of KC nearly every day of my trip. I ended up staying just a couple of blocks from ABC's Good Morning America studio at Times Square, where, earlier this month, a KC-themed display went up in its street-level window. Two other windows featured cityscapes of Denver and Atlanta.

I thought the KC window was the best. It featured five rotating ornaments with miniature landmarks inside them. The Denver and Atlanta windows were static and slightly dull in comparison.

More pictures after the jump.  

Bruce Baker thought he escaped Kansas' school funding wars when he moved to the east coast to teach at Rutgers University. But a couple of weeks ago, the school finance expert got sucked back in by Kansas Liberty, the self-professed "fair and factual" news source that's partially owned by conservative state Sen. Mary Pilcher-Cook.

Kansas Liberty cited a study released earlier this month -- "The Relationship Between School Funding and Student Achievement in Kansas Public Schools" -- in which Kansas State University economics professor Florence Neymotin claims court-ordered increases in school funding resulted in "little evidence of improving student outcomes as measured by test scores" but did show "(weak) evidence" of improving graduation rates.

Kansas Liberty picked up the story and spun it.

With Christmas around the corner, we thought our loyal Plog readers deserved a little religion. So, meet Steve and Kathy Gray, whose "Sexy God" video got them banned from God Tube. The Grays believe those stuffed-shirt preachers just don't understand that Jesus can skin Satan's evil pop culture and wear the divine husk.