Kansas City News Blog

Dumb-bunny civic embarrassment Mayor Mark Funkhouser's proposal to settle Ruth Bates' lawsuit against him was rejected by the City Council, 2-10. Funkhouser wants to settle because he can TOTALLY WIN THIS THING in court. He was asking for $135,000 to pay off the legal tab incurred by wife Gloria Squitiro's fat, stupid mouth, plus another $40,000 for his attorney. BUT! Councilman Ed Ford said that the council wouldn't approve a settlement unless Funkhouser dropped his crybaby lawsuit against the city for kicking Squitiro out of City Hall. All of which highlights the mayor's apparent inability to think ahead more than a day at a time, where his socially inappropriate dingbat spouse is concerned. Anyway, at least Kansas City is getting national attention, now; this AP story is getting a lot of traction, and runs more of the actual embarrassing details than The Wall Street Journal bothered to print in its weird, girly coverage last week.

After the jump, some discussion of my relationship to YOUR MOM. Click HERE.

Rooty-toot-toots, rummy-tum-tums, fa-la-la-la-las, pa-rum-pa-pum-pums and other Christmas onomatopoeia: Because I'm not eight years old, it's usually pretty tough for me to get into Christmas spirit. Even my annual screening of Die Hard, the last word in heartwarming Christmas movies in which jolly St. Hans Gruber brings a fat sack of DEATH down Nakatomi Plaza's chimney, isn't doing the trick, and that's usually pretty good yuletide Cialis for a Christmas boner, you guys, so you can always be ready for those spontaneous erotic Christmas encounters. Every December, KUDL switches from its smooth easy-listening format to all-Christmas-music, and my coworker Jen Chen, who occupies the adjacent cube, listens to it all day long, wearing a sparkly reindeer-festooned sweater and drinking Swiss Miss cocoa from a mug shaped like Santa Claus. So I've also become kind of immune to Christmas music, too, kind of like getting allergy shots.

In November, 533,000 people lost their jobs, meaning that retailers are hoping to sell tons of Christmas crap to the unemployed who are, instead, going to have to learn the true meaning of Christmas. Short version: It involves an inn with no vacancies, a "virgin birth," a gullible husband who delivers a baby with no medical training and a cow for a midwife. It's important to note that many millions of the world's Jews dispute this whole thing, it's all very controversial. Fortunately, I have a job, plus my monthly disability check from the government -- because of my enormous cock, I have to ride around on a Rascal scooter -- so right now, I'm sitting in a bean bag chair stuffed with $2 bills. What should I buy my girlfriend for Christmas, you guys?

THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback is opposed to the transfer of Gitmo terr'ists to the Li'l Ft. Leavenworth Tiny Acres Daycare Facility for Federal Prisoners because the base school, Eisenhower Elementary, would inevitably be attacked by Islamic extremists. In other words, Brownback's concerned about a TERRORIST ATTACK on an ARMY BASE. In all fairness, Brownback points out that Ft. Leavenworth is a medium-security prison and there are no medical facilities on-base so prisoners would have to go into town for treatment at civilian clinics. But the whole argument seems to be grounded on the idea that detainees at Guantanamo Bay have suicide bombs built right into their chests which they can detonate at will, probably right in the middle of the Leavenworth CVS clinic, while waiting for the flu shots Ft. Leavenworth Penitentiary is unequipped to provide. So, that's the scenario.

-- Chris Packham