Kansas City News Blog

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME CHIEFSBALL? While I was messing around with the hobbit name generator, I heard on the radio that someone named "Carl Peterson" (hobbit name: Popo Sandydowns) has resigned from his position as first-base coach for the Kansas City Chiefs ball club. Now who will smack the butts of the point guards while they wait in the on-deck circle? I guess they'll have to hire somebody. ATTENTION LADIES: I don't know much about sports, but I have enormous hands, and I can palm a basketball. 816-218-6781.

Anyway. These two guys seem to know something about this whole Carl Peterson thing. Justin Kendall (hobbit name: Olo Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern) took two minutes from his busy schedule to write this paragraph, followed by another twenty minutes to upload the corresponding photo in Moveable Type 2, which EVERYONE LOVES SO GODDAMNED MUCH, you guys, it's like being required by the court to provide home-care for a sick, elderly relative in an iron lung. Interestingly, Justin and the guys at Upon Further Review, Bradford Doolittle and Martin Manley (hobbit names: Togo Bracegirdle of Hardbottle and Berilac Bulge of Hobbiton, respectively) all struck on the same "Ding dong, the witch is dead" angle (NO PLAGIARO).

After the jump, some pleasant games for children stuck inside on a snowy day. Click here or here.

Holiday drinking games for DVD season sets: I am not Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, you guys, I actually like Christmas in as conservative and traditional a fashion as my humanistic atheism will permit. Which is quite a bit! Now that we're deep into the high holy days of Christmas, you may find yourself stuck for an extended period of time indoors with family, many of whom exchange DVD season sets on the holidays. While everyone loves getting DVD season sets for Christmas, not all of them were created equal. Stargate ≠ The Wire, you guys. To compensate for the forcible holiday viewing of DVD season sets of unacceptable quality, Daily Briefs suggests playing the following childish drinking games:

The M*A*S*H drinking game: Take a shot every time Alan Alda says "HOW DARE YOU?" to another character in a tone of righteous sanctimony. It should take about six fucking seconds to get absolutely plastered. Modification for high tolerance: Take a shot every time Alan Alda substitutes puns for humor during the later seasons. WAR BAD, you guys.

The 24 drinking game: Take a shot each time Jack Bauer talks on the phone, because that's all that show is, people talking on the goddamn cell phone. Modification for high tolerance: Take a shot every time someone "hacks" into a computer system, because that's the other thing they do on that show.

The Star Trek: The Next Generation drinking game: Take a shot whenever a character stiffly compliments or displays respect for another character, because there was more stiff, formal bowing and curtsying on that show than any given Jane Austen adaptation.

The Family Guy drinking game: Take a shot every time a character sounds just like Seth MacFarlane doing a stupid, easily-imitated voice. Modification for lightweights: Take a shot for every plot point not completely derived from a Simpsons episode. I am so serious, you guys, I just saw the episode from TWO WEEKS AGO where Brian the dog is replaced by a seemingly more talented and compatible dog who turns out to be aloof and emotionless. I absolutely could not fucking believe that shit. They're not even pretending to write their own episodes any more.

The Mad Men drinking game: Take a shot every time something happens that is SO SEXIST AND ANACHRONISTIC THAT YOU JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Because everything was so crazy back then!!!! This is a real stomach-pumper, so professionals only, you guys.

The CSI: Miami drinking game:

Obvs.

-- Chris Packham (Mungo Sackville-Bracegirdle)