Daily J. Briefs, Esq.
By Chris Packham in Daily Briefs
Mon., Dec. 15 2008 @ 1:26PM
For various reasons, I've become incredibly familiar with the principles of Pavlovian conditioning and their utility in training people, I mean dogs, to perform simple tasks. So the AMAZING REWARD at the end of today's Daily Briefs should not be construed as a "prize" for reading the whole thing, 
but rather as a conditioned reinforcer that will increase the likelihood of similar behavior in the future. Furthermore, telling you in advance that today's entry has an AMAZING REWARD at the end should also not be construed as a preemptive attempt to get you to read the whole thing. The way it works is, you read Daily Briefs and then suddenly, at the very end, SOMETHING AWESOME enters your brain via your optic nerve and travels directly to the connective pathways between your nucleus accumbens and septum pellucidum, forever associating Daily Briefs with a jolt to your pleasure center. I am also required by the federal Children's Internet Protection Act (CIPA) to affirm that this reward is not pornographic in nature.
Look, I know you could jump straight to the entry by clicking the image below, and then just scroll to the end to get your AWESOME PRIZE without actually reading any of the copy, thereby throwing a grip wrench into the delicate gears of the whole admittedly unscrupulous operation. I know it. You know it. But we're all grown-ups, here, with self-control, maturity and behavioral manipulability via sub-ethical mechanistic principles of forward conditioning. COME ON, GROW UP. After the jump, the electoral college, Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser and AN AWESOME REWARD. Click here, or here:
Our Elitist Constitution: In a Wall Street Journal op-ed, Jonathan Soros, son of billionaire financier and corrupt Marxist Leninist communist socialist George Soros, calls for the elimination of the electoral college. Wait, don't go away, yet -- have you forgotten about your treat? Good Fritch. STAY. The electoral college is the college where state electors receive their degrees in computer programming, heating-vacuum-air-conditioning or TV-VCR repair, wear beaver pelt coats to electoral college football games and then cast their electoral votes for the winner of the popular vote in their respective states, or whomever they feel would arrange for the best vending machines in the electoral college student union. The French call it "the infernal machine," whatever that is in French, because it's deliberately antidemocratic. And we all know how much French people LUV their democracy, and also kissing in the French fashion, avec French word for "tongue." As it turns out, our powdered-wig-wearing founding fathers didn't trust stinky old you to pick the President, after all. Here's my suggestion: Adherence to the strict letter of the Constitution really only requires the original 13 states to determine the vote via electoral college; the 38 "new money" states should start choosing the President via popular vote, oh, look at me, using the word "should" like some kind of Cory Doctorow, who is too precious-perfect for this smelly, shoe-hurling turd of a planet.
'Cuz ethically, he's a little shaky: Welp, here's your Kansas City Council, ordering an investigation into the possibility that Mayormongous Markumental Funkmonstrous -- who, if he were a product available for sale in stores, would be featured on this Website -- broke state ethics and open-records laws. Former Funkmongous communications director Joe Miller, a Kansas City author and former Pitch staffer whom I have only ever Virtua-met on the cyber-Facebook, gave a sworn deposition in which he made certain allegations about Funkhouser ordering some ethical lapses from high atop the mountain aerie known as his freakishly large physique. Because he's really tall, you guys, I'm starting to run out of ways of expressing that idea. ETHICAL LAPSES! Which Miller then testifies that he, Miller, served up on a Ritz cracker like a delicious hors d'oeurve, and then felt bad about. While we're on the subject of culinary simile, it's also worth pointing out that Councilman Ed Ford is quoted by The Kansas City Star as saying that "Mr. Miller not only drank the Kool-Aid, but bought it, mixed it, stirred it and served it," which is a tasteless analogy drawn from the Jonestown Massacre, which you may remember from the fiery hell that was the 1970s. Excellent analogy-ing, Ed Ford.
Anyway, GOOD FRITCH. Here's your treat:
No, that's not it. ENHANCE!
ENHANCE!
ENHANCE!
ENHANCE!
Beer with Rack. GOOD FRITCH!
-- Chris Packham
but rather as a conditioned reinforcer that will increase the likelihood of similar behavior in the future. Furthermore, telling you in advance that today's entry has an AMAZING REWARD at the end should also not be construed as a preemptive attempt to get you to read the whole thing. The way it works is, you read Daily Briefs and then suddenly, at the very end, SOMETHING AWESOME enters your brain via your optic nerve and travels directly to the connective pathways between your nucleus accumbens and septum pellucidum, forever associating Daily Briefs with a jolt to your pleasure center. I am also required by the federal Children's Internet Protection Act (CIPA) to affirm that this reward is not pornographic in nature.Look, I know you could jump straight to the entry by clicking the image below, and then just scroll to the end to get your AWESOME PRIZE without actually reading any of the copy, thereby throwing a grip wrench into the delicate gears of the whole admittedly unscrupulous operation. I know it. You know it. But we're all grown-ups, here, with self-control, maturity and behavioral manipulability via sub-ethical mechanistic principles of forward conditioning. COME ON, GROW UP. After the jump, the electoral college, Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser and AN AWESOME REWARD. Click here, or here:
Our Elitist Constitution: In a Wall Street Journal op-ed, Jonathan Soros, son of billionaire financier and corrupt Marxist Leninist communist socialist George Soros, calls for the elimination of the electoral college. Wait, don't go away, yet -- have you forgotten about your treat? Good Fritch. STAY. The electoral college is the college where state electors receive their degrees in computer programming, heating-vacuum-air-conditioning or TV-VCR repair, wear beaver pelt coats to electoral college football games and then cast their electoral votes for the winner of the popular vote in their respective states, or whomever they feel would arrange for the best vending machines in the electoral college student union. The French call it "the infernal machine," whatever that is in French, because it's deliberately antidemocratic. And we all know how much French people LUV their democracy, and also kissing in the French fashion, avec French word for "tongue." As it turns out, our powdered-wig-wearing founding fathers didn't trust stinky old you to pick the President, after all. Here's my suggestion: Adherence to the strict letter of the Constitution really only requires the original 13 states to determine the vote via electoral college; the 38 "new money" states should start choosing the President via popular vote, oh, look at me, using the word "should" like some kind of Cory Doctorow, who is too precious-perfect for this smelly, shoe-hurling turd of a planet.
'Cuz ethically, he's a little shaky: Welp, here's your Kansas City Council, ordering an investigation into the possibility that Mayormongous Markumental Funkmonstrous -- who, if he were a product available for sale in stores, would be featured on this Website -- broke state ethics and open-records laws. Former Funkmongous communications director Joe Miller, a Kansas City author and former Pitch staffer whom I have only ever Virtua-met on the cyber-Facebook, gave a sworn deposition in which he made certain allegations about Funkhouser ordering some ethical lapses from high atop the mountain aerie known as his freakishly large physique. Because he's really tall, you guys, I'm starting to run out of ways of expressing that idea. ETHICAL LAPSES! Which Miller then testifies that he, Miller, served up on a Ritz cracker like a delicious hors d'oeurve, and then felt bad about. While we're on the subject of culinary simile, it's also worth pointing out that Councilman Ed Ford is quoted by The Kansas City Star as saying that "Mr. Miller not only drank the Kool-Aid, but bought it, mixed it, stirred it and served it," which is a tasteless analogy drawn from the Jonestown Massacre, which you may remember from the fiery hell that was the 1970s. Excellent analogy-ing, Ed Ford.
Anyway, GOOD FRITCH. Here's your treat:
No, that's not it. ENHANCE!
ENHANCE!
ENHANCE!
ENHANCE!
Beer with Rack. GOOD FRITCH!
-- Chris Packham
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