Kansas City News Blog

Angela C. Bond

Clay Chastain

It's no wonder Clay Chastain settled on mass transit as his pet cause: A conversation with him is a bumpy ride over loose tracks, and only he decides when it's over.

The best way to keep your blood pressure down when Chastain wants to talk -- which lately is often, given that next week his light-rail boondoggle plan gets yet another day in court -- is to send him to voice mail when his familiar Bedford, Virginia, phone number flashes on your phone.

Of course, that doesn't work when Chastain calls The Pitch's switchboard and claims to be Mayor Mark Funkhouser.


Chastain is great with a clipboard, but he's no mimic. Still, a conversation that starts with someone intoning in an unconvincing mayoral basso, "This is Mark Funkhouser, and I'm calling to let you know that I'm repealing the City Council's revocation of Clay Chastain's light-rail plan" -- that can't totally lack fun, can it?

Can it?

So that's how I ended up hearing another lecture from my favorite charming narcissist about what my "degenerate publication" covers and what it ignores.

There's no summing up Chastain, who has spent more than a decade earning his punching-bag status by taking two politically flat-footed steps back for every stride gained with his light-rail petitions and populist maneuvering. But today, anyway, Chastain did his own self-analysis, and he didn't put too fine a point on things.

"This all reminds me of that movie High Noon," he said, speaking of the struggle to get his sacked transportation plan back in action. "You know, with Gary Cooper trying to rally the town and everyone too afraid to stand up to the bad guys."

To be fair, when I pointed out that likening oneself to the hero of a classic western is pretty much exactly what gets one laughed out of a serious conversation, he had a quick answer: "My wife is Gary Cooper," he said.

Valerie Chastain may not be pleased that in her husband's fantasy, she doesn't get to be stoic, sexy Grace Kelly. But that won't stop her from continuing to represent Clay Chastain as the two defend their little studio backlot from the anti-democratic machinations of enemies like Hallmark (which Marshal Will Kane -- er, Clay Chastain -- insists is one of his rail plan's most powerful foes).

All right, Mr. Chastain -- we'll be watching next week's hearing and waiting to see if, as you said today, you'll move back to Kansas City if the case ends up in front of the state Supreme Court and you have to draft a new plan. And we'll take under advisement your plea to "write about ideas." Here's one: Next time you call, you be Gloria, and I'll be waiting for a bus.