Kansas City News Blog

Your job had to go live on a farm where it plays with goats and puppies. So while we're all pretending that the economy is like "the weather," and "just happens," and is therefore completely unaffected by human behavior or fiscal policies such as -- FOR EXAMPLE -- passing massive tax cuts while simultaneously conducting two unbelievably expensive wars and deregulating the financial industry, and also while we're pretending that we're lookin' gooo-oood by sucking in our guts and wearing baggy clothes to conceal the distended herniated flipper-liver that resulted from a lifetime of high-proof alcohol and pharmaceutical abuse (WHAT?), 598,000 jobs were lost in January. Sorry about your unemployed flipper-liver. Also, I want to point out that while unemployment payments won't cover all your expenses, they still sell very inexpensive beers such as your Old Milwaukee, the beer of the Working Man. Or the non-Working Man, as the case may be.

After the jump, a somber contemplation of stupid people that sort of winds around for a while before connecting with news. By the end of the week, we'll be back to bulleted lists of news items, I swear. Daily Briefs sponsored by cheap beer. Click here or here:



Why so stupid? Studies in Crap archivist Alan Scherstuhl came up with a good theory over the weekend, which is that since The Dark Knight is the only good movie stupid people have ever seen, all stupid people think The Dark Knight was the best movie of 2008. It's a theory that feels correct, like a pair of Juicy brand sweat pants that fit just right, and is also like a little recipe for a Venn diagram:



Logical notation is very similar to math, and there's no disputing things that are similar to math. I seriously do not give a damn about the fancy prizes awarded to movies by people who make movies. I was the winner of the Academy of Chris Packham Arts and Sciences 2008 Chris Packham Award for Chris Packham Excellence in Chris Packhaming, and my prospects for sweeping the 2009 awards are extremely promising.

So I predict that the filmmaking industry will be the BIG WINNER at the Oscars this year. But the Academy of Motion Picture Prizes and Oscars might as well just eat the poop and give it to Batman, because stupid people control the world by virtue of sheer outrageous number.

In some cases, they literally control the world, or at least occupy its political offices -- for example: brobdingnagian Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser and his homonculean little spouse Gloria Squitiro, left to their own devices, are probably not stupid people. I mean, as silly as they are, I don't think they're accidentally setting fire to their clothing or face-planting over the handlebars of their bicycles. But I think the bejewelled mayoral Lear jets and wall-to-wall mayoral bearskin rugs at City Hall clogged up the pipes in their capacity for self-critical analysis. City Hall pictured left, you guys. And then what with the resulting stupidity and stubborness of various parties in that civic and marital arrangement, we all know what happened. WE'RE BOTH THE MAYOR AND WE CAN DO ANYTHING!

BUT! Last week, Funkhouser hired Mark Seittmann, a former political consultant of Axiom Strategies. Funkhouser Chief of Staff Kendrick Blackwood, whose name, while not "Conklin Fangman"-grade-cool, but is certainly television-detective-grade-cool, tells squeaky-voiced Steve Kraske, "Better now than never... Even critics said need somebody [sic] with a little more political acumen. We believe he will bring this to the table."

Okay, first of all, "Even critics?" Of course Funkhouser critics think the administration is one long Yakkity-Sax Benny Hill chase scene. What the hell else are they going to think? I think Blackwood meant, "Even supporters said need [sic] somebody with a little more political acumen."

But after two years, the actual, official admission that the Funkhouser administration operates like a bunch of children with no impulse control who have come into possession of a backhoe came in such a straightforward, offhand manner that, somehow, you can't even make fun of it. It is its own joke -- it's like a joke that's made out of itself. WHOA, sorry for BLOWING YOUR MIND.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The line "I predict that the filmmaking industry will be the BIG WINNER at the Oscars this year" originally read, "I predict that the filmmaking industry will be the BIG WINNER at the Oscars this year, but I'm not ruling out Dr. Kaiser Permanente and his Integrated Mangaged Care Big Band as a dark horse for Best Musical Score in an Outpatient Care Facility." Thanks to reader Justin K. for pointing out its general obscurity and self-indulgence!