Kansas City News Blog

I don't think I've ever watched a porno from start to finish (I'm not sure they're supposed to be watched that long).

This morning, though, I made it all the way through Faithless, the porn debut of 1991's Miss USA -- a Kansan! -- and Passions star Kelli McCarty. All two hours and 17 minutes. For those worried about the plot, there will be spoilers. For those worried about getting fired, maybe read this later.

I audition for AVN after the jump.

McCarty plays Callie White, a unsatisfied housewife with a cheating husband and an eye on her spoiled stepdaughter's boyfriend Nico (Voodoo). Faithless opens with Callie seducing the skunky faux-hawked Nico, disrobing to reveal white lacy lingerie. Director Paul Thomas' camerawork conceals everything but McCarty's hard, saucer-plate nipples. Of course, Callie and Nico get busted by Callie's husband, Danny (Steven St. Croix), and stepdaughter Sarah (Daisy Marie). Then we flash back a month to a cabin vacation and see how all of these relationships fall apart.

McCarty's hard-core fans might as well skip the first hour of Faithless. Sure, there's that whole messy plot and a lot of sex and the extremely scary uncircumcised penis of Voodoo. Seriously, his wang is Subway-sandwich-sized. The first hour lacks any real XXX McCarty action. Yeah, we get to see her slather sun-tan lotion over her super-inflated breasts and writhe in a hot tub while fantasizing about Nico. But McCarty doesn't get to the dirty stuff until an hour in. However, she proceeds to make the most of her debut in a pair of porn-tastic scenes. 

First, McCarty and St. Croix engage in a husband-and-wife romp while the stepdaughter beats down the door. This is the first shot of McCarty's lady parts and the curtains are dark. Her lips are botox plump. Her bosom surgically inflated. But McCarty's body remains taught, considering that she's 39. The scene turns into a bizarre rape fantasy with a forced blow job and backdoor sex that is just uncomfortable to watch. But, of course, Callie wants it. She enthusiastically sucks and rides her wayward man after pushing him away. And St. Croix shows off his missile-launching talent.

Then, Callie proves almost as diabolical as her Passions character, Beth Wallace, seducing Nico, whose sex scene with McCarty on an Infiniti can only be described as impaling.

Director Thomas delights in close-up sex scenes. I imagine him saying "More thrusting!" as the camera zooms in. But Faithless' plot is dull -- duh -- and heavy on extended sex scenes -- no shit. Thomas must love oral, especially ass-to-mouth action. He also has a message -- cell phones and motorcycles don't mix.