2007: The Year's Best Song Performed by a Passive-Aggressive Artificial Intelligence
By CHRIS PACKHAM
The hitherto unrecognized obsessive compulsive streak in the Jungian collective unconscious is apparent in the tendency of internet folk to compile lists. The whole unfunny fucking output of Cracked.com consists of nothing but Digg-bait lists of things they saw on TV. Note to Cracked.com editors: Making jokes about your own site’s tendency to compose every article in the form of a list does not excuse you from doing it. Believe me – if I went around all goddamn day making jokes about my compulsive peeping behavior, the state wouldn’t all-of-a-sudden start letting me live near parks or schools.
Therefore, this won’t be a list of the year’s best songs -- not just because I hate lists, but also because I can only think of one song that I’ve listened to over and over again that actually came out in 2007. And you won’t hear it on the radio, unless your radio magically picks up the transmissions of soundly defeated video game boss monsters.
The Valve Corporation, developer of astonishingly good games Half-Life and Half-Life2, this year released Portal, a hit game with a startlingly original core mechanic which is probably best explained by this video trailer. It’s available as part of the Valve Orange Box collection.
In the game’s narrative, you are essentially manipulated through a laboratory maze by a psychotic artificial intelligence called GlaDOS, who has a hilariously passive-aggressive personality. After escaping the maze into the Aperture Science installation proper, you beat GlaDOS so hard that she sings a song, to paraphrase Portal head writer Erik Wolpaw. Oh, SPOILER, by the way.
The song, “Still Alive,” was composed by internet auteur Jonathan Coulton, and performed by voice actress Ellen McLain, who is apparently a trained operatic soprano. Coulton documents the song’s production here. It’s funny and it’s awesome:
This was a triumph
I’m making a note here: huge success
It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science
We do what we must because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead
But there’s no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake
And the science gets done and you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive
I’m not even angry
I’m being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart and killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you
Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time
So I’m glad I got burned, think of all the things we learned
For the people who are still alive
Go ahead and leave me
I think I’d prefer to stay inside
Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you
Maybe Black Mesa
That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance
Anyway this cake is great
It’s so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking when there’s science to do
When I look out there it makes me glad I’m not you
I’ve experiments to run, there is research to be done
On the people who are still alive
And believe me I am still alive
I’m doing science and I’m still alive
I feel fantastic and I’m still alive
And while you’re dying I’ll be still alive
And when you’re dead I will be still alive
Still alive
Still alive
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