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having lived in a city where smoking was banned at shows years ago (boston) and now in one where some venues are banning smoking (st louis), i'm all for it. it's nice to come home and not have my clothes reek of smoke, or to feel like shit because you were inhaling smoke all night.

and if you get drunk and want to smoke? go outside. the camaraderie with fellow smokers is unparalleled. seriously. you bond over being alienated.

Here is a little self-help therapy I came up with this morning.

April 9, 2008

An open letter to all Kansas Citians who voted for the Smoking ban last night:

I have decided that I would like to inflict some of my convictions on my top 5 picks of folks that annoy me and cause me undue stress and heart palpitations. I will be filing a petition with City Hall to get a vote in the next general election to have banned the following individuals from all the places smokers want to frequent without annoyance, whether the proprietor of the establishment wants me there or cares to serve me or not:

1) Loud, obnoxious people who have to have input on every conversation within their earshot and have done anything in any topic of discussion bigger, longer, louder or better than those who are actually a part of the conversation;

2) Arrogant narcissistic people, you may or may not know who you are. Something in your life has made you feel like you have no fault in any situation and you are better than the rest of the world. While there are very few, if any, that hold you in as high esteem as you hold yourself, their opinions are obviously bunk, right;

3) All drivers who choose to drive slow and not pass traffic in the fast lane (that's the left lane for those of you who don't know). If you had bothered to read or remember the drivers manual you were supposed to know before you took your drivers test you would know that the left lane is a passing lane and you are to YIELD to all oncoming traffic. The lane is not there so you don't have to be bothered with those annoying things you have to do to be a defensive driver like you know, use your mirrors or actually turn your neck to see if you can get over in to the center lane of traffic that is passing you by while the long line of traffic behind you just sits there because if we go around you on the right, we will get a ticket;

4) Fake, no self-esteem individuals who binge and purge whole pizzas and other mass quantities of food to fit in to their size 2 clothes and then look at and mock the rest of us who are okay with ourselves just the way we are. This also includes the plastic surgery crowd, someone in heaven created you just the way you are, we would have accepted you that way with all your little faults;

5) Anyone born in the Millennial Generation between the years 1982 and 2002, or for that matter any person from any generation that thinks they are just owed something because "they are". Some of these individuals fall under category 2 above but that is not a catch-all. These people are easy to spot they come to work and do nothing but complain that they might have to do something. To cover this, they sit at their computers and surf the net and hit the Alt-Tab key that goes to a Word document or Excel spreadsheet any time anyone with any authority comes by. If you look in to the history of these documents you will see they were created on the day the person started their employment and edits are only made on a once monthly rotation. This is the brilliance of what they do, when the authority figure stops by to see what it is they actually do to earn their paycheck this person has an automatic setting that turns on like clockwork, it is called the habitual ass kiss function. They discuss family matters with the authority, their favorite sports team, compliment the authority figure on how well the current ________ is going (fill in the blank: weight loss; new car purchase; new home purchase; cosmetic surgery; self-esteem course; management course; or any other thing that matters to or will uplift said authority figure). Obviously not all individuals born in this generation are "Millennial" there will be a brief non-intrusive test to see if you will be banned or not;

As you will see, smokers can fit in to any one of these categories. Therefore, there will be a 90 day grace period built in to the vote. If you are a smoker and display any one of these characteristics you will have 90 days to join the real world or you will be banned. Also, not all non-smokers fit in to any one of these categories, you have seen them speak in any number of editorial pieces or on blogs. These non-smokers are ones that feel that we live in the United States of America and that while smoking is not healthy and some find the smell unpleasant, smoking is non-the-less legal. They also understand that there have been, for long periods of time, food and drink establishments that do not allow smoking at any time in every metropolitan area in and around Kansas City for some time. They also clearly understand that this is the United States of America and that the proprietor of any establishment that pays its taxes and pays its bills should have the right to open its doors as it sees fit, so long as it is within the law (again smoking is not illegal). Therefore, there will a list compiled of patriotic and clear thinking individuals who are non-smokers, you will be allowed to occupy the same space with us, we will maintain a non-smoking area for you in any one of these establishments so we can co-exist peacefully. The math of it all will have to be worked out by the voters with a clear 2/3 vote margin meaning if 2/3rds (not 1/2) of the voters want these people banned from our chosen establishments they will be banned permanently and forever.

Please understand, we smokers are free thinking people. We understand that we have made a choice that may have adverse health effects for us. Some of us may even choose to quit smoking at some point. But first and foremost we are free citizens of a democracy and do not wish to quit smoking because you want us to. Like I said the reason for this new initiative is that the 5 types of individuals listed above cause us adverse health conditions such as very high stress levels that lead to many adverse health effects. Another adverse effect is that we have to avoid you which causes us problems with just living our daily lives. One those occasions we are caught in close proximity to you terrible things start to happen to us immediately such as the throbbing, filet knife through the brain feelings and heart palpitations. I firmly believe these individuals are leading us at certain points to be near a stroke or aneurism.

Finally!!!!!!!

Man what a slap in the face to the constitution, a person cannot have own or operate a private enterprise any longer.

The constitution states: Amendment 14 - Citizenship Rights.

1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

A vote is not Law and there is no judicial evidence to support such a ban. Nor should a body of citizens that comprise 4.349545454545455 of the total population of the city be enough to enact such a ban. It is a farce and should not be upheld.

Six-year-olds can use Excel spreadsheets?

Monkeys can use excel spreadsheets better than a Millenial, which by the way, you are one, right?

Do you understand what a generation is??? There's more to come baby. Out of my long and very poignant commentary that's all you got?